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To think if you back out of something, you bare the cost (and it's a bit rude anyway)?

(20 Posts)
NChange2015 Mon 05-Jan-15 10:39:18

In short, an evening event was organised about a month ago and there are six of us going. It is a pay in advance thing although not hugely expensive (less than £20). There was a minimum attendance of six people so this is important.

This morning one of the six has backed out. Another of her friends has organised something and she has decided to go to this instead. She sent a group email saying she'd decided to do the other thing instead. I think this in itself is a bit rude and that really you shouldn't back out of plans because you've had what you consider a better offer. The other things here are that one of the group is now out of pocket because she paid up front and back out friend has not offered to cover the cost and also the fact that our group is now less than the minimum number required to go. These things won't be a problem if we can find another person to take the place (but may be difficult at this short notice) but I still think it's rude. If we can't find another person, we could still go but our group may be joined with another smaller group and since they would be strangers this could be a bit awkward and one of our group does have a form of social anxiety (not sure if back out friend is fully aware of the last point).

This friend has form for similar. She backed out of a meal out with the same group last year (although restaurant booking wasn't paid for and it was easily sorted) and also delayed the booking of a trip away which almost cost us the booking entirely. I suppose I'm less inclined to be charitable in my feelings towards her doing this because of the past incidents.


OhShittingHenry Mon 05-Jan-15 10:41:12

Of course she should bear the cost. And this should be the last time she's included in anything - she sounds like a complete flake.

Sanch1 Mon 05-Jan-15 10:41:54

YANBU. Beyond rude. The organiser should at least ask her to cover the cost.

IamTitanium Mon 05-Jan-15 10:42:43

No your not unreasonable in thinking it is rude to do this in the circs you describe, or that the person that has backed out should be paying for this so no one is out of pocket.
As they do it often could you say money by X date and then book, and get her to sign a contract to say this money in non refundable

waitingfor3 Mon 05-Jan-15 10:44:35

Email back, asking for her contribution and if she sells her ticket that you'd be happy to arrange to meet up with stand in at x o'clock.

chocolateorsalad Mon 05-Jan-15 10:45:28

YANBU. Have you emailed back? I think this "friend" needs to be made aware of her flakeyness and how much it inconveniences the group. She can only keep getting away with it if everyone lets her.

NChange2015 Mon 05-Jan-15 10:46:08

Thank you for responses.

The organiser has mentioned the cost again in a reply email to the group but back out friend hasn't come back with anything yet. She may yet offer but I have a feeling she won't.

She is actually very good company but I am getting tired of the feeling that doing anything with this group of friends is her second best.

Blackout234 Mon 05-Jan-15 10:47:32

This sort of stuff has happened to me loads, but with my job, im a mobile hairdresser, With smaller things like coloring (As opposed to extensions) I can't ask for a deposit and more than once i've shelled out £9-£20 on colouring, gone to the clients home and the client has changed there mind or decided to go out, only one has ever paid me for this and then i came out 3 days later and did her hair then (Fair enough). I've probably lost £200 due to this alone and £200 is alot of money to me. no, YANBU and i hate people who do this

MrsHathaway Mon 05-Jan-15 10:47:41

Flakey friend! You'll do until she gets a better offer hmm

If you back out of a prepaid per head thing, it is your responsibility to cover the cost, either out of your own pocket or by finding another suitable person to take your place.

3WiseMenOr1WiseWoman Mon 05-Jan-15 10:48:04

If I was the organiser I would send an email to drop out friend to remind her of the up front cost she would now owe me. I would probably say I would try to find a replacement to cover, but if I couldn't she would still owe.

Lesson learnt - don't pay upfront for flaky friends.

MrsCosmopifairylight Mon 05-Jan-15 10:50:26

I had someone do this to me a couple of years ago.

She, another friend and I were going for a "girls" weekend away. At the time, we were all (so we thought) close. We discussed where we'd like to go. My job was to find and book somewhere, second friend would source details of eateries and things to do, third friend would be the driver.

All detailed, all booked. Thankfully no deposit required.

A week before we were due to go, driver friend pulled out. Essentially she'd had an offer of doing something else. We had to cancel the whole thing as the two of us remaining couldn't afford to pay the cost; we were unable to change the room/s. Driver friend offered no money.

I've not made any concrete arrangements with her since, and we don't see each other as often. She's good company when you're with her, but she's as flaky as a greggs pasty.

NotOnMyWatchOhNo Mon 05-Jan-15 10:53:14

You knew she had form for this so you should have made her pay upfront.

YoullLikeItNotaLot Mon 05-Jan-15 10:54:39

Yes she should pay.
And don't pay upfront for her again. Or count on her to make numbers up.

rookiemere Mon 05-Jan-15 10:57:26

That's a great expression Mrscosmo - "Flaky as a Greggs pasty."

Organiser needs to send an email saying "What a shame you can't come. As you know it was prebooked and non-refundable so can you get the £20 across to me when we next see each other."

Blackout - you can't necessarily charge a deposit, but you could make clients aware that you need to pre buy materials, so you could text them a week in advance to confirm that they want the same colours as before as you need to buy the dye.

rookiemere Mon 05-Jan-15 10:58:37

Oh and YANBU OP. I would not include flaky friend in any future arrangements that require pre-booking or deposits unless she puts the whole money down up front.

mewkins Mon 05-Jan-15 11:04:52

Organiser may feel awkward so the rest of you (perhaps the person closest to her) should make sure that she pays. The organiser shouldn't be out if pocket and you should all make it clear how you feel about her dropping out without a good reason eg. Illness.

NChange2015 Mon 05-Jan-15 11:05:21

Thank you for more responses.

I guess it didn't occur to the organiser to get the money up front because it was a small amount (relatively). That won't be happening again I'm sure.

It's really the principle of this that is most annoying I think.

Notnaice Mon 05-Jan-15 11:09:06

Yep you guys should make her pay the organiser. It's harder to ask for yourself.

rookiemere Mon 05-Jan-15 11:29:32

That's true those saying that the organiser shouldn't bother her.

You could group email ccing in the others saying " Just heard that you can't make it to the activity. What a shame we were all looking forward to doing it together - and you know it needs 6 people. Are you sure you can't change your other thing, we'd love to have you there and as it's pre booked you'll still need to pay your share anyway."

KoalaDownUnder Mon 05-Jan-15 11:36:21


I'm tired of this kind of rudeness. I have one or two friends with form for this, and my 2015 resolution is not to indulge their shit!

I really don't know why people who do this think it's okay.

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