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To feel like this about a good husband?

(5 Posts)
changeofheart1 Mon 05-Jan-15 09:24:39

Warning: TMI ahead

We are DINKs, married for nearly 5 years. Both of us were virgins when we married (we belong to a culture where arranged marriages are not norm - we got married in our home country but now are permanent residents in the UK). The past years in this beautiful country have really broadened my horizons. I am not the timid girl anymore, I am more confident, and looking at me now you will never guess that before marriage, I never went out after it got dark. i also think that this 'progress' has come with a price...

My husband is handsome, intelligent and all around a great person. He was born in my home country but brought up in the UK, and as such retains the best of both the worlds. He is not 'wild' but also quite liberal. As an individual, he is like a breath of fresh air amidst the "ostriches" in my community! Sure we have occasional rows and he can grate on my nerves at times (can be a workaholic, forgot to remember our anniversary a couple of years, sometimes spends saturday night with his friends) but in general, I am very glad he is in my life. I am just not sexually excited by my husband - not anymore.

Sex is very basic with us... always missionary. Lots of cuddling and kissing, yes, but very tame... lately I have been feeling shortchanged... I feel like I want more, or rather, want to do more with him. I had a lesbian experience with a cousin in my early teens but chalked it up to experimenting. But now I feel like I really would like to try being with a woman. Perhaps a threesome with my husband. I don't know... I guess i just want to be able to at least talk about these fantasies with my husband.... and perhaps explore pleasure with him in more ways... The issue is - he is not interested.

The one time I did he looked crushed and even a bit contemptuous that I would even verbalise my "sexual" thoughts. And all I asked was for a doggie position! I even suggested Bangkok for our 5th year anniversary holiday (after the honeymoon we have not gone anywhere - too busy building our life in a new country) hoping that he would get the hint but he just looked at me very strangely and changed the subject... and I spent that week feeling like a slut... like I would lose his love soon if I continue to feel this way...

one day last year when it was time for bed I got some "dutch" courage, showed him a vibrator I had ordered online and was about to show him (if not tell him) to use it on me... but as soon as he saw it, he got upset and asked wasn't he enough for me... and it brought on a row and after some chilly silence, he said "i know you want more, but i am not an adventurous person, do not spoil what we have" he didn't say it in a nasty way at all, just in a sad, matter-of-fact way... and then i realised that he is whom he always been, but i have changed...

I tried to stop feeling this way but it has only gotten stronger... i keep thinking life is too short... then I think, am i behaving foolishly? The past few months have been quite frustrating, to the point that one day i feel like perhaps I should have an affair! And "get it out of my system"... then I immediately I feel so ashamed I am choosing to ignore all the good things about my husband and prepare to betray him just because I am feeling horny and he does not... Should I go for counseling? I feel awful talking about this to a stranger (I waited forever to post here) and I do not know how confidential psychiatrists are in UK, but I will do it if it will help my marriage.

Notnaice Mon 05-Jan-15 09:33:38

No good advice really. You have to decide what is more important to you.

You have changed. He hasn't. All I can say is that whatever you choose to do, be kind to him. It isn't his fault.

lemisscared Mon 05-Jan-15 09:47:19

err not his fault? really? im sorry but he needs to make more of an effort. you don't just shit someone down with "don't spoil what we have" that is dismissive and controlling.

i couldn't live like that op. do not gave an affair you will destroy your self esteem.

counselling is good. you do not need a psychiatrist! just someone to listen and help you focus your thoughts. Your gp will be able to give you a list of appropriate counsellors.

don't settle for something that doesn't make you happy. your dh is missing out too. unless he is willing to step up then he is the one ruining what you have. how dare he make you feel like a slut for wanting to improve your sex life. it should be fun. you are not asking him to dress as batman and parade naked in the street you are asking for your sex life to be loving and pleasurable for you both.

warmleatherette Mon 05-Jan-15 09:54:39

Oh dear. I have been here. I had a lovely boyfriend, we were together since the age of 17, school sweethearts, lost our virginity to each other, etc etc etc. Over time I became incredibly bored with him, with monogamy, and as I reached the end of my 20s it got worse and worse. I couldn't bear the thought that I would never be with anyone else, and though I asked him to try different things he was really just happy with a bit of oral and missionary and cuddling.

Eventually, like you, I decided that the best thing to do would be to try things with other people to "get it out of my system" while staying in the relationship, feeling that, once I'd tried the things I'd been wondering about (kissing a girl, a bit of S/M, etc) I would be content with life-long monogamy with him. But, guess what, it was not to be. I did a few things secretly and this, of course, took its toll on the relationship, and eventually, after 14 years, we broke up.

Sometimes I wish I was still in the relationship just for the perks of heterosexuality and coupledom, but I was being completely stifled and much prefer being free. I have done lots of sex stuff and now am a joyfully celibate single mother of two.

TL;DR - you have outgrown him, and the clock is ticking on your relationship. Good luck!

Notnaice Mon 05-Jan-15 09:56:43

Well it's not her fault either, but I hardly think if someone is the same as they always have been, then it's a bit much to expect them to change fundamentally. They have grown apart as she has gained confidence and an insight into other cultures.

Yes counselling may be a good idea. There may be some minor changes he could make. Hoping to change the person you married into the person you want them to be, not such a good idea and unrealistic.

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