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In not being all humble and respectful and all that.(abortion related)

(601 Posts)
IdontusuallyNC Sun 04-Jan-15 16:09:17

I have had the contraceptive injection twice now obviously I had it done on time and followed all instructions given to me I also usually use condoms I have 3 occasions where condom use has not been optimum all in the same weekend.

I have recently to my horror discovered that I am pregnant, POAS because I feel like crap and it felt like HG not expecting it to be the case but these things happen. Due to the amount of children I have one being tiny the nature of the relationship with my sexual partner and a quite serious history of HG and SPD(all but 1 previous pregnancy) I have booked in to have a TOP on Tuesday.

I'm quite comfortable with my decision and in general tend to be quite matter of fact about things.

My closest friend has gone very weird on me I declined an invitation for Tuesday from her and disclosed why. Ever since she has been upset because I'm not being sad enough she feels I'm being flippant about human life and not respectful.

I'm not entirely sure what she means by this and she has tried to be sympathetic not that it is needed but has mentioned this on a few occasions.

So am I meant to be sad and stuff or is it acceptable to feel positive towards the decision?

loudarts Sun 04-Jan-15 16:12:45

I think if you know you have made the right choice then you should feel positive about it, if you were sad wouldn't you be questioning your decision?

UpSheFlew Sun 04-Jan-15 16:13:04

No one can dictate to another how they 'should' feel. I can only tell you how I would feel in your situation and that would be "sad and stuff". Perhaps your friend is more similar to me than you.

TheCowThatLaughs Sun 04-Jan-15 16:13:15

I felt relieved and happy when I had a termination. I've since met several women who felt the same. I think that some people would prefer that you spent ages getting over it, crying, being very upset etc, which of course is also a valid response, but to not be like that is hard for some people to take. Like you've done something wrong and unnatural and you should be punished for it hmm

mytartanscarf Sun 04-Jan-15 16:14:28

yes, theCow, you get a lot of "ooh an abortion is a big decision, you need counselling, many women never get over it."

It was COMPLETELY the right thing for me.

mytartanscarf Sun 04-Jan-15 16:15:11

That said I didn't tell anyone about mine.

I didn't want to be judged. I also just wanted to forget it ever happened to be honest.

Annunziata Sun 04-Jan-15 16:16:26

Your friend is entitled to her own feelings too. Behave how you want and let other people do the same.

If she isn't allowed to judge you, you damn well aren't allowed to judge her.

ApocalypseThen Sun 04-Jan-15 16:17:19

She can feel how she likes. You don't owe her sobbing and tearing out your hair because you feel differently. She needs to grow up.

Zucker Sun 04-Jan-15 16:18:40

I think some people feel you should do some penance for having a termination. Almost a "pull down the blinds and mourn appropriately" attitude.

LongDistanceLove Sun 04-Jan-15 16:21:21

You can only feel how you feel, there's no textbook definition for how you are supposed to feel.

Some women feel elated, some feel devastated, some in the middle, all those feelings are completely normal.

SantanaLopez Sun 04-Jan-15 16:24:08

I would find it really hard to be matter of fact about an abortion. I don't think that's wrong.

You've said she's tried to be sympathetic and I think that's the most important thing. It's something that's really emotional for a lot of people.

ApocalypseThen Sun 04-Jan-15 16:26:51

I would find it really hard to be matter of fact about an abortion. I don't think that's wrong.

That's fine for your abortion but you shouldn't try to police how another woman might feel about hers.

Ohnonotagain2 Sun 04-Jan-15 16:27:59

One of my best friends did this when I had a TOP but things have sorted themselves out now. x

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 04-Jan-15 16:28:09

You're not even a bit sad about making a decision that will end a life?

Like your friend I find that odd.

It's your decision entirely and I fully respect your right to do it, but to do it so lightly does feel disrespectful and casual.

Being blasé about contraception and not getting the MAP but instead using abortion as a 'quick fix' without a backward glance, yes, I do find that flippant and not respectful of the life you are about to end.

It's your life, your body, your choices, your right. But if affects a 'cluster of cells' that is forming a baby, just like your little one. To have no feeling about doing that seems odd. Are you sure you're as 'fine' with this as you are making out?

flimmyflam Sun 04-Jan-15 16:29:26

YANBU. while obviously it's totally valid for people to feel sad after an abortion, the idea that that feeling is compulsory is totally unreasonable. Abortion is premissed on the idea that the foetus in early stages is not a person but just a growth that could potentially become a person, so if you agree with abortion (as I do) you must think that there is nothing to mourn apart from what might have been. I don't get how you can both support abortion and also feel that there is a death to feel sad about.

OP, if this is a good friend, maybe it would be best to explain your position to her, and give her an opportunity to air her feelings. But she has no right to judge you.

mytartanscarf Sun 04-Jan-15 16:30:11

Chipping shock

To be honest I just felt relieved after mine, I felt like I had been born again.

Obviously we see things differently, I don't think of it as a life. Still wish it hadn't happened of course.

SantanaLopez Sun 04-Jan-15 16:32:51

That's fine for your abortion but you shouldn't try to police how another woman might feel about hers.

It's not that easy, is it though? I would really struggle to support the OP. I would do my total best as her friend, but it's not something that I would be able to be matter of fact about.

PacificDogwood Sun 04-Jan-15 16:33:01

You are entirely entitled to feel the way you are feeling - as is your friend.

Terminating an unwanted pregnancy is the right decision for many people who never look back, as is continuing an unwanted pregnancy is the right decision for many people.

I am not sure what you are looking for here: you seem to have made a positive decision which appears from what you are writing to be right for you. Your friend has other sensibilities - respect that.

Hope all goes well on Tuesday thanks

Annunziata Sun 04-Jan-15 16:34:21

I agree with Chipping.

foslady Sun 04-Jan-15 16:34:45

But you are being respectful to human life. You, your current children and your partners. Life isn't all sodding Disney where a song and dance routine puts it all alright. You have made a decision about your life (and tbh I think I would have made the same one as you) - does she expect you to be as involved in her life decisions?
I'd be thinking good and hard about this friendship, what you choose for your life if YOUR choice and not up for her to debate and certainly not for her to decide how you should act/feel. (sorry, but women like your friend get my goat)

Annunziata Sun 04-Jan-15 16:36:18

Why is the OP allowed to decide how her friend acts and feels though? Just because she is fine with what she is going to do, doesn't mean her friend has to be.

IdontusuallyNC Sun 04-Jan-15 16:36:26

Your friend is entitled to her own feelings too. Behave how you want and let other people do the same

She's not really entitled to her feelings as to how I should feel or shouldn't feel when im doing something that is perfectly legal and medically recamended,is she

If she isn't allowed to judge you, you damn well aren't allowed to judge her

And I wouldn't no matter how she felt if she was making a choice for herself. I don't care if she judges the decision but making it clear she thinks its the most sensible course of action and how distressed she was when I ended up in hospital very very ill before and agreeing that risking it again is stupidity but judging that I am not upset enough is strange.

I'm relived because I know I'm unlikely to end up on a HD unit again or spend 8 months with a drip in my neck that sort of thing.

Bulbasaur Sun 04-Jan-15 16:37:16

You can disclose that sort of information to who ever you deem fit, but personally I wouldn't be casually making an off the cuff remark about an abortion for the same reason I wouldn't be making an off the cuff remark about the condom breaking. My sex life, and birth control failure particularly, isn't really anyone else's business.

That said, abortion is a bit of a loaded topic. Everyone has different opinions on it and while it is certainly your right to do as you please not everyone is going to respond well to that.

MaidOfStars Sun 04-Jan-15 16:37:53

Chipping I have never felt any emotion that could be described as sadness. I was anxious beforehand (about the procedure) but there was nothing but relief afterwards. I have never dwelt on it and never felt regret.

For me, a cluster of cells is just that, a cluster of cells.

Vycount Sun 04-Jan-15 16:38:14

I've missed the bit where poor Op was blase about contraception. She has had the injection and normally also uses condoms. Many women never use condoms while on the jab (I didn't) and that is normally deemed quite adequate contraception.
Op - you can't change the way you feel. I'd just maybe say to your friend that you would rather not discuss the subject.

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