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To be struggling to be understanding...

(10 Posts)
CallMeExhausted Sun 04-Jan-15 02:02:30

DH has a nasty dental abscess.

He has been back and forth to A&E (was in agony and went to get antibiotics in the middle of the night, then had to return as the swelling got extreme - now has had to receive IV antibiotics).

However, all that rolls through my mind are the number of times he has left me high and dry when he should have been helping me when I am unwell. I had orthopaedic surgery a month ago and am still unable to put foot to floor - but he has not cooked a meal or lifted a finger - in the past, he has left me alone with 2 young children right after getting home from the hospital from spinal surgery so he could go away for 5 days.

I know this is not a game of "one-upsmanship" and I am trying to be understanding, but the past is making me really bitter.

Please give me a kick in the hindquarters - I want to be kind, but there is a voice in the back of my mind that keeps whispering "payback's a bitch".

BlackeyedSantaStuckUpAChimney Sun 04-Jan-15 02:06:56

I can not bring myself to administer a kcik to the backside... rather i think youshould continue not putting a foot to the floor and leave him to it.

HeartShapedBox Sun 04-Jan-15 02:07:11

in your shoes I'd struggle to be kind, tbh.

unless your dc would suffer as a result, I'd be inclined to think "fuck you mister" and leave him to get on with it.

BlinkAndMiss Sun 04-Jan-15 02:08:09

Well it's no wonder you're having trouble being understanding! However, unless you want to LTB then perhaps use this as an opportunity to discuss helping 'each other' out a bit more when one of you is struggling?

Were the 5 days away work related? If not I'd be having a serious conversation about supporting each other, rather than a chat.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sun 04-Jan-15 03:49:07

I think it's very ominous for your marriage that you feel like this. You sound like you despise him. Maybe with reason. But it's not healthy for you to be with him and feel like that. At very least you sound like you both need to talk lots/ have counselling if you want to stay together

NynaevesSister Sun 04-Jan-15 04:04:39

Not ominous at all. He has just made the choice that you don't act as nurse to each other when you are ill. You are absolved of any duty to do the same for him. Hubs was like this so I do the same for him ie nothing. Be kind to him and sympathetic but there's no need to treat him any differently. And if he pouts and sulks just tell him this is the choice he made in your relationship.

Bulbasaur Sun 04-Jan-15 04:19:29

If you can deal after spinal surgery, he can deal with a toothache.

Personally, I'd leave him to it and then discuss after he's had a miserable time about how much it sucks, and maybe in the future you can help each other out. Some people don't "get" empathy until they've had it done to them.

If you're truly feeling spiteful, he's home. Leave the kids and have a nice afternoon out.

Snowflake2014 Sun 04-Jan-15 07:11:58

I think the bigger issue is why you haven't addressed his lack of support when you really needed it. I hope that the cooking etc that you did when you were ill was solely for you and the children, not him.

Yanbu to be upset and not want to help him out now, but yabu not to address the wider issue of him being a selfish cunt on its own merits.

itsbetterthanabox Sun 04-Jan-15 11:20:41

I think it is ominous as a person should want to help the person they love when they are struggling. If he doesn't want to do that then he doesn't care about you enough.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Sun 04-Jan-15 11:37:30

Yes. If you both don't want to help each other it can't be that pleasant to live together.

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