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AIBU?

To think BOTH parents should want to adopt?

63 replies

farmersmarket15 · 03/01/2015 22:41

Name changed.

DH wants a third child. I'm not desperate for one but I would.

However, he wants to adopt. I don't want to adopt. Just nothing appeals about it at all. It isn't the lack of genetic link but the worry about the process, impact on our birth children, the involvement of the child's birth family, that hugely worry me.

DH is making me feel like a horrible selfish person for saying no. He was orphaned young and I'm convinced he thinks he's adopting not a child but himself.

It's whirling around me like a washing machine. Can anyone help? I don't want a load of LTBs though! But just this row keeps rearing it's head.

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Mrsstarlord · 03/01/2015 22:42

Yes. 100 times yes.

Mrsstarlord · 03/01/2015 22:43

Both parents should want to adopt

eurochick · 03/01/2015 22:43

You would be very unlikely to be accepted with those reservations - which would come out in the pre adoption process.
In short, you are right. Both parents gave to want to do it.

rainyevening · 03/01/2015 22:44

You should post on the adoption board for perspectives from people who've been there.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 03/01/2015 22:44

If you have said you are not keen he should drop it. There is no point in going ahead if you are half-hearted. It is not fair on anyone, most of all the child being adopted.

Mrsstarlord · 03/01/2015 22:45

I'm an adopter!

pillowaddict · 03/01/2015 22:46

Yes, and as eurochick says there is no way that you will get through the very intensive assessment process if one of you has misgivings/is not 100% committed to the process.

Silkchiffon · 03/01/2015 22:46

No way you would get through the process unless you're both completely committed to it - it's difficult enough even with that!

Tobyjugg · 03/01/2015 22:46

God yes!! If both parties aren't 101% behind this, then it's a non-starter.

farmersmarket15 · 03/01/2015 22:47

I don't want to post on the adoptive board because that's just - well, doesn't feel right. Like someone posting on conception when they don't want a baby.

I have pointed out that we wouldn't be accepted with my reservations but because of my reservations I am making him unhappy and it's putting a strain on our marriage.

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LeSquigh · 03/01/2015 22:48

Of course YANBU. It's such a massive decision and lifelong commitment. Not to mention the process.

Silkchiffon · 03/01/2015 22:53

But your reservations are valid and important - it would be the worst thing in the world if you tried to fake commitment for your dh sake and then the adoption breaks down when you find you can't bond. He's got to put the child's interests first.

aermingers · 03/01/2015 22:54

Both should want to adopt. But I can really he understand your husband's frustration. Obviously to him, he was adopted and feels like he wants to do the same for another child in the same situation. It might almost feel to him that by rejecting the idea of adoption and saying it 'doesn't appeal' you are almost rejecting him as he was as a little boy and saying that you wouldn't have wanted him or that he was not worthwhile enough as a child to take on. So I can see why to him it would be hard to accept.

How much has he found out about adoption? Children aren't normally adopted as babies these days and are often older children who've been in very difficult situations for quite some time which have left them with quite severe problems. Does he realise that it might be a very different kettle of fish from his own adoption?

BarbarianMum · 03/01/2015 22:55

Yes you both have to want to. YANBU not to want to, he is NBU to want to. He shouldn't hold it against you but it does hurt when one half of a partnership doesn't want something desperately important to the other. Give him dome time to come to terms with it - it may be a dream that predates your relationship.

CocobearSqueeze · 03/01/2015 22:57

Yes you should both want to. Did he never mention this before you got married and had kids?

GokTwo · 03/01/2015 22:59

Yanbu. I can see both sides (we began the adoption process but pulled out before a child was placed) but that's not your question. There is no way you would be approved if only one of you was on board.

farmersmarket15 · 03/01/2015 23:00

He wasn't adopted.

Yes, he did mention it and this has been flung at me MANY times - 'you always said you would ...'

But we met when I was 18 and DH 23 - we married at 24 and 29 -I am now 33! Obviously at that age I had no idea what was involved with adoption.

It's unfortunate as he really, really 100% wants to do it. And I feel horrible for NOT wanting to. And it's so hard and makes me feel just awful.

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ashtrayheart · 03/01/2015 23:02

Yanbu. I would think adopting requires more of a united front than having a baby biologically; people get pregnant unexpectedly but decide to have the baby all the time, no one accidentally adopts!

AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2015 23:07

Yes of course! In the same way that both members of a couple should want to have a child in the first place, they should both agree on HOW that child comes into their family.

Interesting theory about him wanting to 'adopt himself'. I'm an adopted child with 2 biological children. I've never felt the urge to adopt as a way of 'giving back' for having been adopted myself. It almost seems wrong. Almost as if adopting a child was simply to repay some kind of 'debt' rather than out of the desire for a child, itself.

I'm sure if I'd not been able to carry a child that's the route we would have gone, but not because I felt the need to 'give back' for having been adopted. But because I've always wanted children.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 03/01/2015 23:11

I could not adopt, the thought of puting 18 years of love into a child I could not handle the rejection of not being the real mum.

I could not handle the fact of him or her asking questions about genetic history or actually telling a child that he or she was adopted with the emotional conquests of that.

The child need to be 100% wanted by all people wishing to adopt them.

farmersmarket15 · 03/01/2015 23:15

I'm much the same chocolate

Hearing "you're not my mum" would kill me and I would hate the child for it. That's not fair.

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Andro · 03/01/2015 23:22

Both people need to be absolutely sure it's what they want. Adoption is hard, it's emotionally brutal and incredibly invasive...and that just the process! The reality of having adopted children is tough, not least because many of them have significant issues.

I love my children, they bring huge joy to my life, but adoption isn't for everyone. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to adopt, if it's not right for you then you can be assured that it won't be right for any child you adopted (assuming you passed the process).

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Threesocksnohairbrush · 03/01/2015 23:23

Adoptive mum of two here.

My kids are the best thing that ever happened to me, but it has at times been a very difficult process, and being their mum hasn't always been easy. What makes it all one thousand per cent worth it is that I wanted them so powerfully, and would go to hell and back for them. Just as I imagine you would for your kids right now. Altruism and feeling I was being a good person absolutely wouldn't cut it - anyway, my kids need a mum not a saint (good job too some days )

It seems a lot of your concerns are IMO perfectly understandable ones about process, impact on birth children, involvement of birth family etc. If, and only if, you wanted to, you would be very welcome on the adoption board to ask those questions of people who have been there. It isn't like going on the ttc boards to say you don't want a baby, I think every poster on the adoption boards would be happy to help someone make the right decision for them. I have seen people be swayed both towards and away from adoption following those discussions.

But that only applies if you actually want to explore your feelings and concerns - if you just don't want to go there it is as much your right to say so as DH's to say he does.

Bottom line - by all means talk as a couple in a way which is respectful of each other's opinions, and if you think it might be helpful to explore your worries about the process go for it. But nobody should ever try and guilt trip their partner into adoption - that way lies utter disaster.

Best of luck in reaching a decision.

trafficjam · 03/01/2015 23:25

I'm a new mum to an adopted son - placed 6 months ago. You absolutely both need to be on the same page to adopt - like a previous poster mentioned, the majority of adopted children in the UK are removed from birth families due to neglect or abuse rather than relinquished or orphaned. You are absolutely within your rights to consider the impact of an adopted child on your family and to not want to go down that road.
You said you don't want to post on the adoption board, and I thank you for your sensitivity - however, we are a very honest, open lot and may be able to help you with the facts around adoption to present to your husband - the good, bad and ugly.
It's also worth noting that social workers would drill down into your husband's motivation to ensure he understands the full impact of adoptions today. He /you would need to consider many things - how a previously neglected child would behave, sexualized behaviours for example, impact of drug abuse or alcohol in the womb, attachment issues etc. They would be cautious with a potential adopter who was being a bit sentimental or unclear on the reality of adoption. Love doesn't undo the issues some adopted children face and the impact of the child's early start lasts a lifetime. Is he really prepared for a traumatised child and all that will bring into your home?
I don't want to put you off - my gorgeous little boy is the centre of my whole world - but it's not the right journey for everyone and its not something you can do without being 100% clear on the realities you would face.
I hope this is of some help.

farmersmarket15 · 03/01/2015 23:26

three - bless you and to be totally honest with you, it has been questions on the adoption board that have put me off! Overwhelmingly the advice seems to be 'if you have an alternative use it!'

DH is so well meaning and he desperately just wants to love another child but I don't think adoption is the answer.

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