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AIBU to think my DH needs to get a grip.

(50 Posts)
blabberdashery Sat 03-Jan-15 17:34:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MooMaid Sat 03-Jan-15 17:36:45

Perhaps he feels bad that he's not providing for you like he was? Have you actually sat down with him and told him how it makes you feel when he complains, but equally asked him why it bothers him so much?

simbacatlivesagain Sat 03-Jan-15 17:39:53

He works long hours. he is self employed. Being self employed it is the insecurity that gets to you- you don't work then you have no money. You could lose your income at any point.

I assume that you work as well- is your income fixed each month?

LoveVintage Sat 03-Jan-15 17:40:17

I think when you are self-employed - which I am though DH isn't - there can be an ongoing feeling of being insecure financially, even although on the face of what you say, you are actually reasonably comfortably off, so his attitude may come more from this, and the pressure to provide for his family. Maybe he has got into a loop of negative thinking and doesn't even realise how he comes across? Have you spoken to him about how it makes you feel?

Coyoacan Sat 03-Jan-15 17:40:58

Sorry OP, I wish I knew, but you have my heartfelt sympathy.

I stopped being a moan when the Ruanda crisis happened. I felt I couldn't do anything to help the Ruandans, but I could at least appreciate how well off I was.

blabberdashery Sat 03-Jan-15 17:45:30

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YoullLikeItNotaLot Sat 03-Jan-15 17:56:02

Oh my husband has a tendency to do this. Not so much now as I've had a significant pay rise so have much more disposable income, but a couple of years back he'd constantly be whinging that we didn't go out as much as others, or have as many "things". I'd point out we were happily married, had 2 healthy children, were paying off a mortgage on a good house in a decent area and had stable if undemanding jobs. The people he was comparing us to invariably didn't have at least one or more of those things.

I think it is linked to how he grew up - very poor as in hiding from the Bill collectors and assumed he wouldn't live like that. He doesn't, but I think the fine lines scare him.

blabberdashery Sat 03-Jan-15 18:02:30

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blabberdashery Sat 03-Jan-15 18:09:56

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YoullLikeItNotaLot Sat 03-Jan-15 18:22:58

Same. Two years ago DH was being all wistful as he wasn't going on a trip with his friends. 1 lives with his parents still although he's in his late 30s due to being unable to find permanent, full time employment. One was going through horrible divorce and hadn't seen his kids for months and has since been diagnosed with depression, the other has just had to sell their car and take on a second job to pay off crippling debts- presumably they couldn't actually afford to go on the trip either.

Yes it is exhausting. And annoying. I don't know how many times I explained how insulting I found it. I had some understanding of why he was like this but my sympathy only stretched so far.

MinceSpy Sat 03-Jan-15 18:26:49

OP you seem well aware that your family are doing a lot better than many others. Your DH seems to be one of those glass half empty people and I do get how draining that is. Have you tried suggesting he finds salaried employment as an employee?

Hotbot Sat 03-Jan-15 18:29:12

I hope the kids don't hear him whining on. I grew in a household where my dad constantly worried about bills/ money . We honestly thought we were really poor.
He did work hard but guess what the mortgage was paid off when they were
50, his pension alone is more than dh earns ...
It makes me really cross when I think back to my youth. Guess what he still moans about money. I think my mum had a really miserable time.

Fedupmuch Sat 03-Jan-15 18:31:13

He sounds like my husband except my husband is employed. His glass is always half empty whilst mine is half full. I find it really really annoying too!. We never have loads left over at the end of the month but have a great life and are a lot better off than most our friends. I don't get how he doesn't appreciate how lucky we are!.

blabberdashery Sat 03-Jan-15 18:32:59

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Fairylea Sat 03-Jan-15 18:33:25

He's being a bit daft. Maybe he needs a reality check? Go to the money matters section of the site and look at the debt thread. Lots of others in similar and worse boats... Some like us with a bit of a wonky paddle but doing our best! We have no savings, no disposable income, we use tax credits each week for our food and we had a roof disaster last year that cost us £3k which we had no choice to get into debt for. We are on a very low income and just do our best to try and manage.... like everyone else really!

Maybe he just needs time to adjust.

Fairylea Sat 03-Jan-15 18:35:17

blabberdashery Sat 03-Jan-15 18:39:58

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morethanpotatoprints Sat 03-Jan-15 18:41:45

One persons money being tight is another person's rolling in it

You are a very rich family and have far more than most people.

Try showing him some of the threads on here of people who are really struggling to put food on the table and pay basic utility bills.

You could try telling him that anything more than food in your stomach, clothes on your back and a roof over your head is luxury.

TheLeftovermonster Sat 03-Jan-15 18:43:53

It's probably the insecurity, not the amount of money you live on.

Hotbot Sat 03-Jan-15 18:44:35

So sorry, No advice at all, do you breeze over and say stop talking rubbish.?
Or would he get really narked.
I love my dad dearly and I now pull him up every time he moans about money. I feel quite resentful as even now he doesn't realise how well off he is.

blabberdashery Sat 03-Jan-15 18:45:57

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Hotbot Sat 03-Jan-15 18:46:11

It doubts like he sucks the joy out of even buying you or the kids their gifts. I bet you wish he wouldn't bother

blabberdashery Sat 03-Jan-15 18:49:33

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Pilgit Sat 03-Jan-15 18:49:52

He is unreasonably obsessing about it. But this could be a symptom of something underlying rather than him just being a bit of a twat. He needs to come up with ways of managing the worry. It sounds like you have it sorted - yes its tough but you cope. Could the fear of being in poverty be making this bigger in his mind than it really is?

Negativity becomes a habit after a while and that habit needs to be changed. Maybe some CBT would help

blabberdashery Sat 03-Jan-15 18:52:26

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