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To wonder whether many parents encourage their child to marry a wealthy person?

(111 Posts)
eeeeker Sat 03-Jan-15 17:01:01

An acquaintance of mine, whom I've known for years, has a daughter who is in her early twenties.

Since her DD was very little, the mum has been absolutely adamant that the DD would marry someone wealthy and in a way brainwashed her child into thinking this herself.

Her DD is now married to a man in his early forties and they have a baby together. The husband owns a business and has a huge barn converstion and seems fairly well off.

The mum goes on all the time on Facebook and in person about how well her daughter has done for herself and seems to live through her DD; she posts photos of her DD's house, furniture, clothes, Louis Vuitton bags etc, and when her DD and her husband go on holiday the mum does statuses about it every day, posting links on FB to the plush resorts that they have gone to.

I guess I just think it's a bit odd the way this mum has essentially groomed her DD to "marry well". I don't know the DD very well but I'm not sure that she is necessarily that happy being married to a much older man whilst her friends are out having fun.

AIBU to wonder whether it's quite common for people to encourage their child to marry someone wealthy? Is it something that anyone on here does?

treaclesoda Sat 03-Jan-15 17:04:52

I think it's very common. I've known loads of people who have pushed their daughters towards marrying 'up'.

Needless to say, I don't know any men who were encouraged to marry 'up'.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 03-Jan-15 17:11:06

Well she may just have happened to marry a man who she loves and he has money. It seems the Mum is the "gold digger" for want of a better word, and that it isnt the daughter who is so show offy.

I just want my dd to be with someone who adores her and who she adores.

Smileybutstressed Sat 03-Jan-15 17:11:08

I'd like to think that they did it for the right reasons though and that despite marrying into money they are genuinely happy. Or am I being naïve?

I know that I'd rather my DD be happy with the person she WANTED to be with than unhappy with a person someone else wanted her to be with

meditrina Sat 03-Jan-15 17:11:20

I think it's very uncommon.

I went to an all girls grammar school in the 1970s, and we were encouraged to have careers. I cannot think of a single friend of mine who had parents seeking an advantageous marriage rather than independent earning capacity.

Now, perhaps we were slightly outliers as it was an academic school. But I really had hoped the idea of dependency had died a natural death by now.

MistressDeeCee Sat 03-Jan-15 17:14:25

I think its very common.

Whilst Im not thinking my DDs should marry "Mr Very Wealthy" I absolutely do not want them to marry "broke" and don't much care what people think about that. I married their father for love..money worries pushed us apart. We couldn't "build" anything together because my wages were swallowed up & it nearly gave me a breakdown. Not that he didnt work, but he had no major skills the work was menial and wages couldnt cover much at all. Im not a martyr. Life is so much more expensive now than it even was back then. I sometimes wonder how people manage nowadays.

I think life works better if 2 people are looking in the same direction in all things, including finances, then you just hope it lasts. Im definetely not a "love conquers all" type of person.

Albeit is sounds as if your friend lives her materialism fantasy life through her DD, whats with all the boasting? I think most of us want our DCs to do well we just dont shout off about it. In fact even if people did want their DDs to marry wealthy if possible, I feel a good few would deny the thought ever entered their head.

mytartanscarf Sat 03-Jan-15 17:15:00

I once talked to my dad about this, as my mum died young and he wasn't hugely wealthy in a millionaire sense but was certainly comfortable.

We both thought a lot of women who perhaps divorced in middle age after a generation bringing up children were financially vulnerable. Not sure about anyone who had it indoctrinated from a young age though.

NorksAreMessy Sat 03-Jan-15 17:15:46

The ONLY advice I have given DC is to look for relationships with someone KIND. Everything else good in a relationship can be traced to kindness.
Wealth and kindness are not mutually exclusive, but I know which I would choose every time.

Blackout234 Sat 03-Jan-15 17:18:43

my sisters MIL pressured sisters dp to marry a rich woman, he ended up with my sister (Who works as an assistant manager, hardly paris hilton) And its now caused alot of problems as sisters dp dislikes his mothers attitude, my sister hates her and mil just cant understand where she went wrong wanting "the best"....

Smileybutstressed Sat 03-Jan-15 17:19:59

Do agree with mistress financial comparability plays more of a part than many of us would like to think.

simbacatlivesagain Sat 03-Jan-15 17:21:41

I was getting off a plane in Upper Class. They were holding other passengers back. A girls of about 8 looked through and said- oh Mum how do you get to sit in there. Her mother replied- Marry a rich man! I looked at her and said- no you dont- you work hard, you get a good education, get a good job and pay for it yourself- the cabin crew member started laughing.

treaclesoda Sat 03-Jan-15 17:23:17

I also went to a very pushy grammar school, but it was a mixed grammar so I don't think girls were encouraged to be independent in the same way that all girls schools seem to encourage independence. I was just remarking recently to a friend that nearly all the girls in our year at school married 'up', even though most of them were from quite middle class backgrounds to begin with.

ShumbTucker Sat 03-Jan-15 17:24:27

My dad did, he wanted someone to "take care of me". I married DH when we were in our early twenties, poor (ish) but we have done well for ourselves now he doesn't stop bragging about how we "made it on their own steam, proper grafters". Times change and people change, he's just glad I married a man who has never let me or DS down and treats us with love,kindness and respect. He only wanted what was "best" for me, he just didn't realise I didn't need money to be happy.

HerrenaHarridan Sat 03-Jan-15 17:26:25

Well done simba cat. She'll remember that grin

TinklyLittleLaugh Sat 03-Jan-15 17:27:46

These things are hard to plan though. I ditched a multiple millionaire's son for a charming idler. I got a few dodgy comments from people who should have known better.

But my charming idler turned into a very driven and successfully businessman when our DC's came along. We are financially secure now.

I actually got a bit of stick recently from my sister for "marrying money". She has completely wiped from her memory how completely feckless penniless DH used to be.

GotToBeInItToWinIt Sat 03-Jan-15 17:28:35

I find this bizarre, my parents had absolutely no say in who I married! When I was growing up I don't recall my parents even talking about marriage; I was encouraged to go to university and to find a career I enjoyed. I was with my first boyfriend for 8 years and when we split my dad said he was relieved as he didn't think he was kind enough to me. When I told him I was marrying DH my dad said he was happy as he was 'a good man'. Those are the only times he was even commented on my choice of partner! I have a DD now and will encourage her to do whatever she wants to do with her life.

veniceweekend Sat 03-Jan-15 17:33:11

My mother didn't and it was never encouraged/mentioned at my comprehensive all-girls school. However I did fall in love and end up marrying a man who happens to be wealthy (as well as loyal, kind and respectful). My contemporaries are a bit frustrated as we all grew up in London but I'm the only one who can afford to stay in the area where we grew up. They might well be encouraging the next generation of daughters to marry up - it's not enough to work hard and expect to pay for a central London property on your own salary - it needs two high salaries these days.

LapsedTwentysomething Sat 03-Jan-15 17:33:37

Ugh. My auntie and uncle have done this. Their oldest daughter is with an absolutely arrogant prick of a man, who has some real issues to do with status anxiety. He is truly vile. The younger daughter was always going into a career that would push her into the path of higher earning man in a more senior branch of the same sector. It happened. They're married.

My auntie actually scolded me when I told her about a new boyfriend once, because he was a trainee chef and 'there's no money in that'. They don't rate my lovely DH at all as he is working class (as is my dad's side of the family) and I'm the higher earner.

I can't stand them.

TheBeekeepersDaughter Sat 03-Jan-15 17:34:28

I also went to an academic girls' school and this was not something I encountered. We were encouraged to study, have careers and the prospect of marriage (and childbearing) was never really factored in.

My parents approved strongly of my previous relationships with working/ lower middle class grammar school boys. When I got together with my now DH, they were pretty perturbed and, if not discouraging me, did give me a couple of 'do you know what you are doing?' talks. They were concerned that I was marrying out of my depth and although we have a very happy marriage, marrying 'up' does bring with it (minor) complications at times.

Tattiebogle Sat 03-Jan-15 17:39:27

Our children could marry whoever they wanted to as long as they truly did believe they could come home if it went wrong. My husband was fabulous when our eldest daughters marriage broke down, he had know it would and even when leading the house in the way to the wedding he said - are you sure. Our daughter said she was and I will never forget the day she come home at 5am with her suitcase and he said to her - Ive just made tea, your mums in the living room, go and sit down and I'll put your case in your room. He was fabulous.

But that said we would always hope that whoever the children married they would live in good financial circumstances for the simple reason we struggled and wouldnt ever want the kids to. Thankfully they've all been educated to the hilt and have fabulous jobs, and barring disasters they should all be ok. I have no romantic notions whatsoever of being skint and in love.

HolyTerror Sat 03-Jan-15 17:42:04

As another poster said, whose parents get a say in who they marry, aside from cultures where arranged marriages are common?

The 'marry a rich man' comment I associate with my mother's class and generation, women who had to leave school at thirteen, had no access to any further education, and whose least unlikely route to any kind of financial ease was probably marriage. They associated spinsterhood with indigence. I associate the sentiment with older women with minimal education whose aspirations for their children don't, for whatever reason, take the form of educational or entrepreneurial encouragement.

My mother remains baffled and not particularly pleased that she raised three daughters who are fiercely independent and career-minded, and for whom domestic stuff cones further down the agenda.

museumum Sat 03-Jan-15 17:47:05

No. Everyone I was brought up with and around wanted / wants equality so neither a useless bum nor a super-rich "my careers more important" or "no wife of mine will have to work" type.
I know very few sahms and most couples I know have fathers who do at least one day sole childcare either by working p/t or by working a weekend day and having a week day off.

DaisyFlowerChain Sat 03-Jan-15 17:47:37

I don't know about parental pressure but there was a thread on MN last year where I was astonished at the amount of women who admitted the mans cash flow was something they looked at in first meeting. Most wanted to be supported by the male.

I have no daughters but would teach them to marry for love not his wallet.

My son knows both men and women can work as we have always shown him this example. I don't want him growing up with the old fashioned view that men work purely as they are male whilst women get to opt out. Hopefully he'll find a spouse willing to share all aspects of life including financial.

BackforGood Sat 03-Jan-15 17:48:20

Not something I've ever come across.
Dont get me wrong, it would be a lucky bonus for any of us, to be comfortably off without having to have grafted for 30 years or gone througn a bereavement to get an inheritance, but thats all - a bonus, not an ambition.
I thought the concept of "marrying well" went out with Mr Darcy.

Munchkin08 Sat 03-Jan-15 17:52:22

My dad always told me to marry the bank manager - I didn't but do regret it now ����

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