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I know i am being unreasonable..but..

(27 Posts)
earplugsahoy Sat 03-Jan-15 13:13:59

DH lost his job, we found out xmas day (city link) and Wednesday was his last day.

I have taken care of everything, housework, washing, cooking, both kids everything at home have hosted people round over new year and done everything to make sure he has been ok..

I did his CV and have applied for nearly 50 jobs for him, sent his CV to every company to match his experience.

He has done nothing but mope about the house, occasionally having a few tears.. Shouting at the kids whenever they dare go near him, ignored me when I've asked a question and done nothing to help me just sat and drank beer

New year we went to a friends house and he just left me with the kids, sat with the friends and didn't bother asking if i wanted a break.

Yesterday he refused to get out of bed, i ended up taking the kids to my mums as i was ready to flip out.

I know i am being unreasonable in being pissed off with him, he must feel very stressed and upset about losing his job. But i can't help feelong he is so selfish and ungrateful, i am stressed too!!

Give me a kick up the bum to be more compassionate please.

Maybe83 Sat 03-Jan-15 13:18:36

Ah it's not you that needs the kick up the bum my husband s business collapsed this time last year. We ve come very close to losing our home this year into the bargain.

We were under huge strain but have 2 teenagers and had a 4 month old baby with reflux. He didn't take to bed and abandon me to do everything with our children and organise Christmas and if he had of he would have got very little support from me in return.

DaisyFlowerChain Sat 03-Jan-15 13:19:50

He's an adult so why are you applying for jobs for him? Stop treating him like a child. I'd be very cross of DH applied for jobs for me unless I had asked him too but can't imagine why.

He's just lost his job, I think he's entitled to a few days of feeling like crap. Why is he selfish and ungrateful. He shouldn't snap at the children but that's the only thing I can see he has done wrong.

Support him, can you get any extra hours at work to ease the pressure in the meantime.

Hatespiders Sat 03-Jan-15 13:23:22

Why did you apply for 50 jobs for him? He should be getting busy with all that himself. I think you've been a brilliant wife to him and a wonderful support. But you too need some input, as you're gutted as well (and I'm so sorry, it's a dreadful situation)
Now that Christmas and New Year are over, you might sit down with him and have a talk about what you're both going to do now re job-searching, finances and also housework/childcare. He has to see that the 'head-in-hands time' is over and he must get moving, mentally and physically. It's been an awful shock, but now it's time to act.
If he's had depression in the past, or you feel he might be sinking into it now, he needs to see his GP. But you can't take all this on your tired shoulders, op.
He's not a child he's a dh and df.
I truly am so sorry. Bloody bloody City Link!

IAmOnMyBike Sat 03-Jan-15 13:25:24

Go off out and don't give him any help as if he is a child. Just give him love and cuddles.

reallystuckonthisone Sat 03-Jan-15 13:26:58

No YANBU. My DP lost his job recently and it took a week of moping, doing nothing and generally being horrible to me before he got his shit together.
The good news is he's much better now but you sound like me: a coper and a doer. My way of getting through stuff like this is to do practical stuff to make things better. It sounds like your DH's way of coping is like my DP's: to wallow. I hope he comes out the other side like my DP did. flowers

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 03-Jan-15 13:28:10

Let him mope and have a wallow until Monday then tell him to pull himself out of his self pity and start being proactive.

We've had periods of near financial peril and keep the wolf from the door on a monthly basis, I understand the stress you're both under but him lying in bed, shouting and drinking beer won't solve anything, tell him that and that you need support too.

RoastingYourChestnutsHurtsAlot Sat 03-Jan-15 13:32:20

He's allowed to mope and wallow he lost his job under crap circumstances

Stop mothering him

earplugsahoy Sat 03-Jan-15 13:32:58

I am due to start a new job mid January as i have just closed down childminding. However the new job was all around his work hours, if he doesn't get a job with the same hours it is unlikely i will be able to start as childcare / school don't work around us both being at work along side finances.

It's a really fucking horrible time, and i just feel so let down. I know he needs time to process it, but he is acting worse than the kids at the minute.

I've applied for jobs for him as i was a recruitment consultant and am much better at that side of things than him. He has taken calls and rang round agencies

Oh no earplugs - I read your previous thread about this. Your DH is no doubt suffering from shock and probably depressed about what has happened; but he can't wallow in it and put his misery onto every one else indefinitely!

Give him a cut-off point, after which you expect him to start re-engaging with normal family life in a normal fashion, don't let him continue with this wallowing, especially the refusal to get out of bed.

You're all in it together, he doesn't exist in a bloody bubble, and he should stop behaving as though he's the only one it affects. sad

Tanith Sat 03-Jan-15 13:39:00

YANBU but you need to be very firm with him.

This is going to sound so hardhearted and I do have so much sympathy for both of you, but don't let him see that you will sympathise and cope. That's the way to encourage him to wallow in self-pity and that won't get him a new job.

It's a tough old world out there - it won't grant him the luxury of pity: neither must you.

Instead, encourage his anger against the utter swine that did this to you on New Year's Day. Encourage a "Stuff 'em - I'll show 'em!" attitude.

He doesn't need employers like that, does he? He can do so much better!

Lived through redundancies myself, btw, and my dad was once out for 2 years, so I know how hopeless you can get if you let yourself.

Hurr1cane Sat 03-Jan-15 13:39:46

When my DP lost his job in horrible circumstances years and years ago he didn't even shower for weeks, it was fucking horrible. He got so depressed.

He didn't leave his own house for 2 weeks so I went and got him and brought him to mine. He didn't leave my bed for a week and I couldn't stand the smell anymore. Eventually I took him home and said he had to shower and then I would go get him some food. Then gave him some money and drove him to the pub.

That eventually was enough to snap him out of it but I was so frustrated and didn't know what to do either, at that point we weren't even together very long.

I felt like an evil bitch and I just wanted to dump him to be honest, but I did really like him and was worried too.

It won't last forever sad I know it's horrible for you both.

Tanith Sat 03-Jan-15 13:40:36

Of course, I mean Christmas Day smile both seem so long ago already!

Mammanat222 Sat 03-Jan-15 13:40:55

My OH is self employed and his trade is very precarious. This year he's probably worked 2/3rd of the time if not less. Thankfully he has been a SAHD the rest of the time and that has helped financially.

Yes it's very demeaning and soul destroying for him - a big project recently fell through and his trade is literally dying before our eyes but he just has to get on with it.

I know it's still early days and it was very sudden but it sounds as though hubby has taken it very badly?

I know my OH goes through periods of feeling crappy and worthless when he isn't working but if I pandered to this I'd be fueling his negative behaviour. Instead what I do is try to encourage the positives - providing childcare and being at home with our child is just as important as going out and earning money (so I make sure I tell OH this)

Ask for your hubby's help? Make him feel worthwhile? Doing everything, including applying for jobs for him isn't going to help break his cycle of negativity.

DaisyFlowerChain Sat 03-Jan-15 13:41:13

Then surely you start your new job as until he finds one he can do the school runs and childcare. Doesn't make sense for you not to start as then you have zero income.

Then you can both look for work and if he can't get the same hours you can move jobs.

It's only been a week and although the company has been in trouble for months it's still awful when they finally admit defeat and call in the administrators.

GrumpyRedhead Sat 03-Jan-15 13:46:17

Sorry if I repeat anything in the posts above, I skimmed quickly. I once lost a job, DP was on incapacity benefit at the time and was unable to work, it was a very scary stressful time and I can certainly sympathise with you both.

I'm not one for moping, but I found I needed a day to cry. It was almost like grieving, I was shocked for an hour or so, then the tears came. I allowed myself that first day then after that I treated job hunting like a full time job. I think allow him a little recovery time, but then come Monday tell him he's had his wallow, it's time to get out of the mud and find something new. He might grump with you but he'll realise you're right.

Best of luck, it's such a shitty situation, hopefully he gets something quickly enough

PizzaMama Sat 03-Jan-15 13:50:31

OT but I know UK mail are taking on a lot of CityLink staff

hamptoncourt Sat 03-Jan-15 13:55:22

YANBU, you sound more like his mother than his wife.

I agree with PP he needs to stop wallowing and get out there and find a new job.

Best of luck to you both.

ithoughtofitfirst Sat 03-Jan-15 14:07:58

Yanbu to feel frustrated. Must be horrendous for you I'm really sorry.

You don't really need to do all that stuff for him. You just need to talk to him. I've been where he is and all I can say is being able to sense your family's frustration makes it ten times harder to motivate yourself. Just be calm and be there for him and be kind to yourself.

Your poor things flowers

wonkylegs Sat 03-Jan-15 14:20:44

He should be allowed some 'grieving' time - it's seriously shit to lose your job especially when you lose it overnight. However he does need to be the one who is proactive to move on & shouldn't take it out on his family.
The company I had worked at for over 10yrs and were like family to me folded overnight (lost 3 contracts in quick succession) and I was crushed I openly cried. I lost my job & close friends overnight. Yes we are still friends but it's not the same. I still find it upsetting to think about 2 years on but I had to move on. I did get there ( have own practice now) but it had to be me who did it.
Sorry that your DH had to go through this but he will get through it.

earplugsahoy Sat 03-Jan-15 17:17:27

Thanks for all the nice replies

I gave him an afternoon to himself yesterday, thinking it would help give him some thinking spaxe. Today he is just as bad, been out and about but he is just so snappy and miserable that he is making me cross.

I know something will come up for him next week, he knows it too but i think he is grieving (i didn't think about it that way) the people he worked with became his friends when he started working there he was like a teenager years down the line he has come out a man all grown up and responsibilities he takes very seriously.

It's like he has given up, and wants me to turn around and work ridiculous hours so he can stay home (which will not be happening)

DaisyFlowerChain Sat 03-Jan-15 17:36:54

What's wrong with picking up the slack for a while? Surely it's not too much to ask after he has been the main earner for so long.

Something may not come up next week, only agencies work that fast and even then there are checks. Give the poor man a chance.

joanne1947 Sat 03-Jan-15 17:42:42

I agree with DaisyFlowerChain give him a chance. My hubby was made redundant and it took him 6 months to find a new job. I supported him as he was looking for a job but I can see that for the first few weeks he was so angry and upset that he hardly functioned.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin Sat 03-Jan-15 17:43:00

He sounds a little depressed to me to be honest, it's a huge thing to have happened to you both. I wouldn't be inclined to treat him with kid gloves, but the 'man up' approach won't work either. He needs time and support, and possibly a chat with his GP for some medication and support to help him through this.

MooMaid Sat 03-Jan-15 17:52:24

I was also going to say just give him a little bit of time to get his head round it - I'm sure he's worrying about all the same things you are and whilst it isn't your fault at all, he probably just feels angry about the whole situation.

If it goes on for a long period of time then maybe it needs some intervention but perhaps set a time/deadline in your head. If he hasn't got up and got on by that point then have words.

I do feel for you though - not fair that you and the DC's are bearing the brunt of it

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