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to go out and leave dh to it?

(253 Posts)
whininganddining Fri 02-Jan-15 23:12:09

DH and I have an ongoing disagreement - ongoing for years.
When his brother comes to stay, about 5 or 6 times a year, DH will not 'bother' him for any details in advance. So I am given a rough idea that bil might be staying one night one wknd but nothing is set in stone until about an hour before he arrives.
Now bil has a gf (bil is 47 divorced) and DH still does the same. I have,over the past 2 years, made it very clear that this is shit and asked him to please let me knoAIBU? advance when they are staying so that I can prepare, food shop etc.
But DH insists with this fkd up idea that to 'pester' bil for details of his visit is rude!!!

So...bil and his gf are coming up tomorrow. I asked weeks ago for DH to please find out what time, are we going out or staying in, where are we eating etc. He has told me, tonight at 8pm, that they will be here at midday tomorrow and they will decide what they're doing when they get here.
Ffs.
So I have arranged to spend tomorrow with a friend. We're going to the sea side to walk dogs and eat fish and chips.
I haven't told DH because I don't want an argument and he really really does not get it, so I'll get up tomorrow and leave before they arrive and tell him that if he wants me to host guests he needs to give me info in advance or he's on his own.
AIBU?

beeny Fri 02-Jan-15 23:15:02

No,this arrangement sounds crazy.

Cataline Fri 02-Jan-15 23:17:34

YA absolutely not in any way BU!
Your DH is acting like a total twat (as is your BIL!)
Go out and have a fabulous day!

Charitybelle Fri 02-Jan-15 23:18:12

Good on you. Sounds like he needs something to shock him into addressing the issue properly. Will cause a doozie of a row tho!

HadleyHemingway Fri 02-Jan-15 23:19:44

YANBU.

Very rude of your bil too.

Go out and leave them to it. Your DH won't learn until he reaps the consequences of his being flaky.

MinceSpy Fri 02-Jan-15 23:20:24

DH & BIL are being unreasonable. Go out and leave them to it.

Tinks42 Fri 02-Jan-15 23:20:44

I dont get this to be honest, why can't his brother turn up within a sort of loose time frame? Does your DH expect you to be the hostess with the mostess then? It wouldnt bother me. If I wanted to be around then I would, if not, I'd just get on with my own plans thinking that my DH wouldnt mind?

RandomMess Fri 02-Jan-15 23:20:54

YANBU if he expects you to properly "host" them, if it's a take us as you find us visit then IMHO you don't need to know all the details.

JanetSnakehole Fri 02-Jan-15 23:21:02

Is there a reason why you can't call BIL yourself?

calzone Fri 02-Jan-15 23:21:04

Good for you.

Why you didn't do this years ago is beyond me smilesmile

Should make DH think.

Have a lovely day.

whininganddining Fri 02-Jan-15 23:22:58

Thank you.
We don't have dc and DH loves to give the impression that we can be spontaneous and cool hmm.
He cannot get it that now his bil and gf are coming and we have a house that needs the once over (not bad but needs a hoover n mop) and no nice drink or snacks in and a spare bed that needs changing.
Embarrassing thing is that I will see them at some point and DH will not have noticed never mind dealt with these things blush

SoMuchForSubtlety Fri 02-Jan-15 23:23:17

I like your plan. Next time you could try a variant, which is "do nothing", no bed making no food prep no washing etc. I'm sure your DH won't mind as they're his guests, he'll be happy to do all the work.

MrsRhettButler Fri 02-Jan-15 23:23:47

Well I'm not sure... In my family this sort of thing happens regularly, maybe we are unusual though.

Tinks42 Fri 02-Jan-15 23:25:18

Ummm this is sort of down to you wanting things to be "in order" and your DH and Brother In law not really noticing and caring. Its a "you" thing.

RandomNPC Fri 02-Jan-15 23:25:21

I think you are being very reasonable. Your day out sounds fab, by the way!

anothernumberone Fri 02-Jan-15 23:25:31

It can be informal with family if you wish especially close siblings. I could quite happily do my normal day to day with mine or his siblings about. I would not be too bothered by informal arrangements in that context. Go do the shopping or better still send your dh once you know the plan. Get your dh to change the sheets on the bed and job done.

MrsRhettButler Fri 02-Jan-15 23:26:07

It's out of order if he's expecting you to suddenly leap up and cater for them but if they just go with the flow then I don't think he is unreasonable

StackladysMorphicResonator Fri 02-Jan-15 23:26:26

This is brilliant, well done OP! Let us know what happens tomorrow!

KatOD Fri 02-Jan-15 23:27:25

If you haven't got kids to worry about then do what you like! I guess if your DH did everything (hosting, shopping, beds etc) then it's not so bad to be flexible, although I'd want to know when I'd get my house back. If he expects you to help and he's behaving like this then that's bang out of order and good on you for your trip to the seaside!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 02-Jan-15 23:28:09

Sounds like a fun day, why would you change your plans to suit his last minute arrangements?

I don't mind people coming and going or deciding what's happening when they get here, but I'm not keeping an over flowing fridge 'just in case ' and I'm not cancelling my plans to fit in with their last minute plans.

If your DH kicks off, fix him with 'The look' and say 'Don't even go there. I asked you to let me know what was happening and you didn't. Your problem, not mine. Do not utter another word about it unless you fancy being single. I have had enough of being taken for granted'.

whininganddining Fri 02-Jan-15 23:29:26

No, Rhett, in my family we're a bit more casual but bil lives a distance away so only visits every couple of months and its an overnight out for dinner big deal.
He brings a going out shirt on a hanger(!) and his gf brings flowers. Its always solo awkward when there is a half hour of"so what do you fancy doing?" "Don't mind mate, whatever" and inside I'm screaming FKING PLAN IN ADVANCE!!!!
And breathe.

Tinks42 Fri 02-Jan-15 23:31:43

But he hasnt asked you to prepare anything. He hasn't told you to get in the kitchen and cater, so i still don't get it?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 02-Jan-15 23:34:52

It's easy when you see them...

'Oh Hi, nice to see you. I hope DH has sorted out your bed for you, if he hasn't I'm sure he will now <pointed smile at DH> I can see he's not bothered to Hoover or anything <roll eyes>. Unless he's been shopping, which I doubt, we'll be eating out tonight, or getting a takeaway. I'm sure he'll pop out in the morning for some breakfast bits and pieces won't you DH'

CurlyhairedAssassin Fri 02-Jan-15 23:35:18

Hang on, did you arrange to go out with your friend AFTER your BIL's visit was arranged at 8pm, just to make a point? If so, then that I quite childish, don't you think? Really, how much effort would it take to give the house a quick Hoover and change the bed? One of you could so that while the other does a bit of a food shop.

Of course, if the arrangement with your friend was already made, and THENyour BIL's visit was dropped on you, then no - feck it, carry on with your planned day and let DH entertain them/sort them out.

Tinks42 Fri 02-Jan-15 23:35:46

Its a you thing OP. Maybe you aren't being unreasonable in your own mind but it sounds like you actually need to get a grip and be more spontaneous. You sound very rigid.

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