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to tell you/ask your opinion on something ive never told anyone? *termination related*

(22 Posts)
NobodyLivesHere Fri 02-Jan-15 11:53:34

When I was 17 I got pregnant, I was cajoled into a termination by the father and my mother. Before I could have procedure I had to have a scan. They obviously kept the screen turned away so I saw nothing. My mother was with me, and after the scan I went out of the room and she stayed and spoke to the woman. At the time I thought nothing of it, I was upset and scared and not thinking clearly. Then we saw the consultant who just said come back on xx date for the procedure.
After the procedure I was distraught and unwell physically. My mother then told me I'd done the right thing as the pregnancy wasn't viable anyway and the sonographer had told her this. No medical professionals ever said this to me.
Ever since I have wondered if this was her attempt at making me feel better or the truth. I swing between wanting to know, and being to scared to find out she lied.
I guess what I'm asking is if you think her version sounds feasible, and how I would find out the truth.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far!

PotteringAlong Fri 02-Jan-15 11:54:56

Would the answer be in your medical records? You could ask to see them if you really wanted to know?

justmyview Fri 02-Jan-15 11:57:00

If you want to know the truth, then I'd suggest you ask your GP / the hospital if this info would be recorded in your medical notes. Or ask your Mum now if that really was true?

flowers

Cherriesandapples Fri 02-Jan-15 11:59:03

Your medical records may not be found, be readable, reveal much especially if this was something that happened years ago with handwritten notes but worth looking at. Is your mum able to tell you the truth now?

PacificDogwood Fri 02-Jan-15 11:59:25

You have every right to access your medical records.

How long ago was this?
It is highly irregular to discuss anything with your mum without you present. If the pregnancy was 'not viable' then this should have been discussed with you so you could make a choice as to how you'd want to proceed. What 'procedure' did you have? Did you sign a consent form?

I'd ask to see your records. Sounds v odd tbh.

OriginalGreenGiant Fri 02-Jan-15 12:01:21

How far were you? I think that's probably important in terms of how believable what you're mums told you is.

If you were very early then I doubt they'd be able to tell if it wasn't viable - if there was a sac but no foetus for instance, surely they would have termed it a mc instead?

If it was later on then I suppose they could well have spotted something...but in terms of confidentiality I'm not sure if they would have told your mum and not you?

Happypogostick Fri 02-Jan-15 12:04:22

I'm sorry that's happened to you.

It's difficult to say whether your mum's version of events could be true or not. I'd hope that if the pregnancy wasn't viable, that this could have been relayed to you as the actual patient- but of course, this doesn't always happen.

Requesting access to your medical notes might be a good idea?

psyandsoc Fri 02-Jan-15 12:06:16

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. The only thing I ask you is what is it going to resolve for you at the end of the day? You sound rather in turmoil and is finding out going to resolve your issue that began all those years ago. I agree with the above posts that asking if there is details in your medical notes may help but if nothing is recorded that may make matters worse. what ever you decide I hope you feel better in your self. Good luck.

NobodyLivesHere Fri 02-Jan-15 12:12:01

My mother and I have a very difficult relationship. And I sort of feel like I can't trust her word anyway. Medical records was my thought, but I suppose part of me is scared to learn she lied and the hurt thatwould cause me.
I had a medical termination. I was 13 weeks, I think the scan took place at the most 2 weeks before, so at least 11 weeks.
At the time I took her word for it, but now after having had children etc I doubt that they wouldnt speak to me. But there again I was very upset and not really with it.
It happened in 1998.

NancyRaygun Fri 02-Jan-15 12:13:03

Why does it matter? Not being chippy with you, just genuinely wondering if it is her lie that would upset you, or the fact that if she did lie you would have terminated a viable pregnancy. Would that change how you feel about the termination? Or is it that you would be angry with her as you feel that she forced you into the abortion in a way and then lied to justify it?

As someone who is very pro choice (just so you know there is no negative judgement here) - I think you need to work through how you feel about the abortion first. As finding she had lied will not change the past - it is done.

If she has lied - it sounds like she wanted this sadness to go away for you and to help you to come to terms with the abortion. So a lie aimed at helping you - is that really terrible? Or is your take that it (her lying) was just a way of justifying her actions?

The sonographer would be able to tell if the pregnancy was not viable so it is very possible that she is telling you the truth - but I am not sure what good (for YOU) comes with going over this again?

NobodyLivesHere Fri 02-Jan-15 12:13:59

Thank you all for the kind replies.
It does eat at me. The not knowing. If I could find out the truth I think it would at least allow me to come to terms with her actions.

Pyjamaramadrama Fri 02-Jan-15 12:20:00

I think that it's quite possible that they'd have spoken to your mother about that, especially so long ago, although it's very unprofessional and shouldn't really have happened.

It's equally as possible that your mother lied.

Now I guess it's time to decide whether you want to find out the truth, and whether you can do this from your medical records.

I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this, it sounds as though you had your choices taken away from you in many ways so it's hardly surprising for you to feel the way you do.

Perhaps you can talk it all through, on here, with a counsellor, hopefully you can find some closure.

AIBU191114 Fri 02-Jan-15 12:21:25

As you were over 16 at the time the doctor wouldn't have been allowed to share any info without your permission and to be honest I doubt they would then tell your mother anything they had not first shared with you. All that depends on how professional the doctor was and of course how not with it you appeared.

So sorry you went through this, I have been In a similar position and if it were me I'd want to know the truth and would request my records (you can request to read them on site with someone to help decipher if needed, in Scotland anyway) and My records cost £50. At worst it does sound like your mum was trying to protect you.

NobodyLivesHere Fri 02-Jan-15 12:23:04

Nancy. You make some very good points that I need to consider.
I'm at peace with the termination itself. I wish it hadn't happened, but I've come to accept that to have had the child in the situation I was in would have been a disaster.
The issue (I think) lies in why she said it. I dont think if she did lie it was for me, but to make me less upset so she'd feel less guilty about strong arming me into it. However if it was the truth then maybe I'm misjudging her.

Greyhound Fri 02-Jan-15 12:33:36

Oh god that's awful sad So sorry thanksthanksthanks

I am sure your mum is lying. I have had miscarriages and there is no way that the sonographer would tell your mother that the pregnancy was unviable but not tell you.

It would be unethical for the sonographer to do this and totally unprofessional.

You were not a 13 year old with an unwanted pregnancy. You were over 16.

I doubt, from what you say, that your mother would tell you the truth now.

She lied to you. I would put money on it.

Lucyandpoppy Fri 02-Jan-15 12:42:24

I had a termination nearly 3 years ago and last year I requested my medical notes after a bit of a faff the clinic sent them to me along with pictures from the scan I had at the clinic. The notes are not handwritten and do contain a section for if any anomalities are present. However, clinics usually only keep these on record for 2 years. If you had the termination at the hospital then you should be able to request your notes which should give you some answers. I can totally understand your feelings towards your mum for coercing you into the abortion in the first place, but how much difference does it make if she told you that there was a problem with the baby after the procedure had been done? I am a member of a fantastic online forum called passboards.org would highly reccomend joining and posting this here everyone is lovely and has been through this themselves so very empathetic smile

BatteryPoweredHen Fri 02-Jan-15 12:45:28

I agree, she was probably lying in an attempt to save your feelings. I often notice a difference in generational attitudes towards pregnancy/abortion/miscarriage. The notion that we ought to process our own feelings to come to terms with a terrible situation is relatively modern.

Such a lie is completely unacceptable by today's standards, and I completely understand why its upsetting you, but can you try to see it through her eyes? She meant well, and although she was certainly misguided, It sounds to me like she did it out of love.

todayiamfat Fri 02-Jan-15 12:51:56

OP, I toi had a termination in '98. I was 18. I also had a scan before hand but was alone (no mother or dp with me for scan).
The sonographer/nurse left the room and called the dr in. They had a hushed discussion and then the dr announced to me 'all fine. We will go ahead as planned'.

At the time I was scared out my mind. I interrperated tgis to mean there was something wrong with the foetus. Or more than one?

I actually asked the nurse out right and she told me to forget it.

Now being older, I think in reality, my dates were wrong and I was further than they/I thought. I hadn't a clue back then. I think she may have been checking if it was still safe to proceed.

NobodyLivesHere Fri 02-Jan-15 13:07:04

Yeah I can see that if she lied it may have been an attempt to make me feel better, but part of me doubts that was the reason. I think if I know for certain it may open up a whole other can of worms between us. She and I really have a strange dysfunctional relationship.
I think I need to at least try and find out what happened. Thanks everyone for your input. It's very helpful.

HerrenaHarridan Fri 02-Jan-15 13:09:29

Can I be honest with you?

My dearest friend is finally coming to terms with the termination she had ten years ago.
The hardest thing for her now isn't making peace with the decision it's letting go of the associated feelings that she feels are the only thing left of her 'baby'

I don't think this is about your mum, wether or not she lied, wether or not she did so to save your feelings none of that is why your mad at her, you're mad at her because she 'strong armed' you into it in the first place.

you clearly don't have a healthy relationship with her and your tying that up with blame and guilt around the termination to avoid completely leaving it behind.

You may or may not be able to find the records but they won't tell you wether your mother meant it kindly or for her own convenience

I don't really know how to finish my post as I don't want to just give you pointless platitudes. I hope you haven't found my post insensitive as it certainly wasn't intended that way.

Greyhound Fri 02-Jan-15 13:10:06

Definitely ask for your notes, OP.

newyearsresolutionsnotforme Fri 02-Jan-15 14:08:00

I think whether she lied or not isn't so much the issue- not the only one anyway- but the fact she helped pressure you into it. Whether the pregnancy was viable or not is a separate thing because she still pressured you regardless and you have every right to feel anger, hate...whatever emotions over it.

If you find out she hasn't lied and it wasn't viable, does that make it better? Or vice versa is it worse?

Would she be saying it for you, to reassure or to appease her own guilt? If these are questions you need answering I would ask her face to face and/or get your records.

Before the termination was she supportive, kind, possibly just making one horrific mistake by pressurising? Or was she not supportive, dismissive, not the best mother and one who cares about herself predominantly? If she was the former, perhaps this is something you really need to communicate over, as well as get counselling for yourself over. If it's the latter...sadly I think you have your answer about your relationship and the truth of what could have likely happened.

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