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To not let IL's babysit...

(37 Posts)
mamabear220 Thu 01-Jan-15 20:48:38

Hi all....I know IABU but I just need to ask!

Two months ago I gave birth to my wonderful DS so probably PFB but while DH's parents are doting, excited new grandparents they've done so much to annoy me in the past two months it's unbelievable! Firstly I don't trust them at all to babysit, obviously this annoys DH to no end because I simply don't let it happen, it's gotten to the point where I simply can't watch them around DS, I don't want them around him!! The big reasons I don't trust them are as followed:

1# MIL has apparently been accused of hitting a child in a past job. She told me this because of a family feud where another relative accused her of being a child abuser!

2# Their home is filthy. Dust and dirt everywhere, rotten food and boxes of junk and mold growing everywhere. FIL has admitted they're hoarders but doesn't do anything about it.

3# MIL is overly needy and clingy so of course she's the same with my DS! If she's holding him and I go over to even say hello or kiss DS I get told to "go away this is granny time." No she's not joking she's also done this to my DH and only lets PIL near her and DS. She calls him "my son" or "my wee son" and points to FIL and says "There's daddy!". She constantly asks about babysitting and him staying over night while I've always refused she keeps going and saying stupid hints to DS about staying over like "Yes my wee son, it'll be just me and you some night let me tell you." Yes yes a baby understands that of course grin

Yes, some of this is petty but it does grind on my nerves because it feels as if she's over stepping boundaries and trying to take my place as a mother....sad On the other hand I don't believe in hitting children as a punishment and she has stated on numerous times "he's my grandson and if his parents aren't there I'll discipline him." And she hasn't explained the accusation of her hitting a child or how it was resolved just that she was accused.hmm

DH obviously does believe the accusation about his mother because "She's not strong enough." So of course she's not capable of such a thing! hmm

Please give your opinions ladies I'm going to go mad if all of this goes on! sad

BlackDaisies Thu 01-Jan-15 20:55:08

The discipline comment alone would put me off leaving him with her. With everything else you're saying, I'd be keeping a very close eye on him.

SavoyCabbage Thu 01-Jan-15 20:56:09

I didn't even consider anyone babysitting for me when my dd was two months old. It never crossed my mind.

I wouldn't be at all impressed if anyone pointed to another person and said to my baby that he was his Daddy! What's your husband got to say about that?

Yanbu. There is a difference between wanting to be involved your grandchild's life and the way your MIL is carrying on. Your dh needs to say something to them.

mamabear220 Thu 01-Jan-15 20:59:58

My thoughts exactly, Black!

Savoy, DH says it's not something that annoys him, he sees it as harmless and doesn't notice anything but it makes me feel like crap!

Blackout234 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:00:14

There house is dangerously filthy (Mold), She makes your son call fil daddy and refers to ds as "My wee son", YANBU. my kids wouldn't be going there (With me there or otherwise) until she sorted her bloody house and behavior out

Blackout234 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:01:22

your dh needs to take a stand now and support you.

Katie2489 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:03:01

I think you are right on the mark with this one. I would not consider letting anyone babysit my baby unless I was 100% comfortable and would defiantly not be in this situation. You do right girl - as they say round here.

mamabear220 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:11:16

Thank you girls it's good to have some kind of supprt! DH thinks that his parents are harmless and because he grew up in that house/I've been there that it should be good enough for DS.

He has a biased opinion of his parents obviously so there's nothing I can do to convince him but I refuse to endanger DS so it causes do much fights with us! With a new baby it's so hard sad

littleleftie Thu 01-Jan-15 21:15:42

"he's my grandson and if his parents aren't there I'll discipline him.
And what does DH have to say about that?

NO way would I leave my DS with them ever

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 01-Jan-15 21:19:45

YANBU. I let my my mil have dd overnight and have done since she was tiny. Mil respects my parenting choices and would never undermine, question or contradict them. She is completely trustworthy and would protect my dd with her life.
If these statements weren't true, she wouldn't be looking after dd on her own ever.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou Thu 01-Jan-15 21:21:28

At 2 months old, I hadn't even left ds with my dh alone. Tell her to fuck off. You are your babies mum not her, she's had her chance.

edwinbear Thu 01-Jan-15 21:23:47

Hell would freeze over before I allowed them to look after my dc unsupervised. Not with that comment about discipline.

YokoUhOh Thu 01-Jan-15 21:24:41

You hold the power in this situation: just say no! Your MIL has no right to carry on like this, so tell DH that you and DS won't be seeing her until she sorts out her behaviour. DH can see her on his own.

CaptainAnkles Thu 01-Jan-15 21:25:34

I wouldn't feel comfortable even visiting people like that, in a house like that, at all. Never mind leaving a baby there.

MadameJosephine Thu 01-Jan-15 21:27:17

YA definitely NBU! It would be a cold day in hell before I would let her be alone with my child! Listen to your gut instinct

Twooter Thu 01-Jan-15 21:27:30

You should have made a comment about your night of passion with FIL. That might may her think twice about what she says.

Sapph1e Thu 01-Jan-15 21:27:58

No way. No way at all. Your concerns are perfectly valid.

editthis Thu 01-Jan-15 21:31:11

Argh! YANBU

She sounds bonkers. Dh should be doing more to keep her behaviour in check, starting with acknowledging where she steps over the line.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 01-Jan-15 21:32:50

#1 is hearsay, but I'd want to hear further details from her before I came to a decision.
#2 I wouldn't take my baby into the house, let alone leave my baby there.
#3 she tells you to go away angry? I'd have told her to get the fuck out of my house at that point.

Your DS is 2 months old. I don't think my DS was babysat until he was about a year old. And I have never understood the desire to have a child overnight. My grannies never had me overnight so it just seems a little - weird - to me. But even though lots of people do it, it isn't compulsory smile.

And how in god's name did the conversation come round to 'disciplining' a baby? Disciplining a child (e.g. a stern talking to) has to happen within the context of the child having knowingly done something 'wrong'. How can the idea of disciplining arise when considering a 2 month old? Sheesh.

CoolCat2014 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:34:57

YANBU. They sound a bit scary/overstepping the mark to me.

CatsRule Thu 01-Jan-15 21:36:26

Mumsnet has certainly taught me what not to do! And...it really is very simple things that a mil shouldn't do like...sneakily glance over at your dil while saying to grandson "come to Mummy (her) MiniCatsRule, come to Mummy (her) MiniCatsRule" then proceed to grab protesting child whisper something shit in his ear and when he points to his actual Mummy (me) you shouldn't hit his arm down while saying aggressively "forget about your Mummy"!!

In short...yadnbu...run a mile with your precious snuggly newborn and your dh needs to see where his priorities lie which are ultimately in protecting his own son (and dp/dw) from others' crazy behaviour.

My ds is only 2 so I have many years of mumsnet wisdom before becoming a mil myself but I already have a long list of very reasonable just don't do's! I'm also so thankful that my dh thinks my crazy mil is more unreasonable and out of line than even I do!

OfficerVanHarkTheHeraldAngels Thu 01-Jan-15 21:45:56

Extended breastfeeding is your friend smile

Absolutely no way this would happen. Absolutely no way. But you need to be clever about it. If you lay the law down and end up having a proper fall out with your dh to the point of splitsville, your ds is going to be in that filthy shit pit every other weekend, and you won't be able to do anything about it.

So, grit your teeth and invite them round to yours. If she mentions babysitting, laugh and say "oh he's far too little to think about that just yet". You have years in front of you to establish yourself as the matriarch of your own little family, she who will not be fucked with. Mils always take the piss a bit in the cute cuddly baby stage, just front it out and do it your way, and she'll lose interest, I promise you, once your baby becomes an actual real person and not a sweet mute little recipient for her to project all her fantasy relivings of motherhood on to.

MissHJ Thu 01-Jan-15 21:46:07

Why the hell are you taking that from her? Tell her straight no give me back MY baby otherwise you know where the door is. No way would I have another woman tell me what to do with the child I have just given birth to. You need to start sticking up for yourself, this sort of thing will not get better on its own

mamabear220 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:57:28

Ladies DH has always been a 'mummys boy' so he is not going to listen on the front of his parents, I know this. He has said that if he were in fact to say something to PIL it would make me seem selfish and possessive of DS.hmm

Whereyou, MIL admitted to me that she was accused of hitting a child though the only reason she did admit it was because this family member told me she was a child abuser and MIL got wind of it so it really makes me nervous, especially because I know she believes in spanking children, as she says to DH "I used to beat the shite out of you and it did you no harm." She probably was being dramatic but she has admitted spanking her own child. sad

I've tried to be diplomatic and polite for DH but his parents especially MIL still act this way and I have no idea how to phrase it! From telling her no babysitting to telling her to stop with the my son comments. What would you all say? flowers

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