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AIBU to think people who know my situation might just think before they say "Happy New Year"

(52 Posts)
onesister Thu 01-Jan-15 20:10:23

I'm currently watching the person I have lived with for more than half my life die. And yet people who know us and our situation still ring up and call in to wish us a "Happy New Year". AIBU to think they are thoughtless twits. I know it's a difficult, what do you say in such a situation but today I have found it nearly impossible to not scream at them. Just what sort of Happy New year do they think I'm going to have.

Storytown Thu 01-Jan-15 20:12:44

Oh, that must be so hard for you. Very difficult for them too. Would you prefer they didn't call? It's the sort of clumsy thing I'd do, meaning I want things to be as good as they possible can be. See, that's not right either is it?

CaptainAnkles Thu 01-Jan-15 20:14:41

So sorry to hear that. I don't think they can be thinking properly when they say it. Maybe it's something they just say to everybody and it hasn't occurred to them that it's the last thing you want to hear at the moment.

Brummiegirl15 Thu 01-Jan-15 20:17:29

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. I'm 9 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday my baby has died. This will be my 3rd miscarriage in a row.

What do people say - "Happy New Year, let's hope 2015 is better for you - try and raise a glass at midnight"

Are you fucking kidding me? We just found out our baby has died and we are waiting for a hospital bed so I can have surgery. What exactly is happy about that? Fuck off.

onesister huge hugs and I really do feel for you

haphazardbystarlight Thu 01-Jan-15 20:17:57

Yanbu ((hug))

But ... Try not to snap. You'll need them flowers

onesister Thu 01-Jan-15 20:20:09

I know they mean well and will be there for me when I need them. I'm sure that I've said stupid things to others in similar situations but to be honest I'd rather they said nothing.

Theas18 Thu 01-Jan-15 20:21:37

So sorry. I posted a slightly similar thing in elderly parents last night - my 2014 happy events were hugely overshadowed by hospital admissions - keeping thrm alive etc and 2015 will be a miserable one way journey for both of them.

If a virtual hand hold is helpful im here. Pm me anytime.

Allingoodfaith Thu 01-Jan-15 20:22:41

One of worst part of losing some one very close to me was when people that would wave or say happy New year would suddenly not see me in the street or didn't know what to say in my grief.

Your damed if you do and damed if you don't.

Sorry for the terrible time your having.

AngelDreams Thu 01-Jan-15 20:23:01

oh no - thats so sad for you guys - i'll join in as well though, my much loved and respected step dad died yesterday - he was the first man to treat my mum like she deserved and we all miss him terribly. Ok he was old and had been ill for a while, but they only got married in August (after a long time together) and I was sitting with her yesterday morning, and she said "oh, i'm a widow now" - broke my heart

Dexterjamesmummy Thu 01-Jan-15 20:24:43

People just don't know what to say, my little boy died back in May shortly after his 1st birthday so 2014 has been a terrible year, people still wished me a happy new year. The only one who really seems to get it is my mum, she didn't even wish me a happy birthday this year as she knew it wouldn't be x

Theas18 Thu 01-Jan-15 20:26:01

Brummiegirl same offer to you. Virtual hand hold any time ( and you are probably local!)

haphazardbystarlight Thu 01-Jan-15 20:26:43

Oh dexter I'm sorry x

onesister Thu 01-Jan-15 20:28:55

Brummiegirl15 so so sorry about your situation. and thanks of your thought s at such a sad time for yourself. I've learnt never to say"it'll be alright' to someone facing such situations. They don't know if it will end well and all it does it make them feel better. Much better to say that they hope you have the strength to cope and don't wait for you ask for help but to pick up the phone or bring round a cake that you can all have a cup of tea and good cry over.

Cantbelievethisishappening Thu 01-Jan-15 20:30:10

One of the reasons why I go to bed early and turn my phone off. It's a stupid, bog standard greeting without much thought behind it.

LadyLuck10 Thu 01-Jan-15 20:32:17

Sorry op and Brummiegirl. thanksYes it's so thoughtless of people especially if they know what the situation is.

snowface Thu 01-Jan-15 20:32:36

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this.
My sister died at Christmas and I got loads of happy christmases.
I don't think people mean it in a literal sense, people don't know what to say and some people think it best to try and be as 'normal' as possible.

onesister Thu 01-Jan-15 20:35:33

I'm quite new to mums net but find it incredibly consoling to read how much sympathy those going through incredibly tough situations find it in their heaters to offer help to others. It makes up for some of the rather vicious posts I have seen when some poster seem to lack all sense of empathy or jump to judge others on the word of other posters alone without knowing the whole situation. Been up for 4 days and nights now so I won't be posting for while as I so need to get some sleep but just had to let my feelings out before trying to get some rest. Thanks again.

MyCarHasBrokenDownAgain Thu 01-Jan-15 20:40:54

I wished my friend a peaceful new year, she's just lost her mum and had a horrible time following - I didn't want her to feel ignored or abandoned so didn't want to say nothing. So hard to know what to say really ...

notauniquename Thu 01-Jan-15 20:41:47

you've had a terrible 2014, what is wrong with wishing and hoping that 2015 can be better?

Would you rather that people ignore you, leave you alone to be miserable, or say at least the most mundane thing to try to show some support.

MinceSpy Thu 01-Jan-15 20:45:15

Onesister please accept my condolences on your loss. Bereavement is a tricky subject and HNY is just an automatic response from those who don't know what to stay.

Dexterjamesmummy Thu 01-Jan-15 20:51:35

Thank you haphazard x mycar, we were wished a peaceful Christmas by someone and I think that was a lovely way of putting it, really thoughtful as they knew our Christmas was going to be far from merry.

onesister Thu 01-Jan-15 20:52:23

notauniquename Just in case case you didn't notice he's not dead yet he will die in the next few weeks so 2015 won't be a Happy New year
Mycarhasbrokendownagain You have got it just right I do hope for a peaceful new year after all the difficulties of the let few months.

haphazardbystarlight Thu 01-Jan-15 20:54:49

Don't let that mean post upset you flowers

FryOneFatManic Thu 01-Jan-15 20:55:50

From the OP's initial post, I think her loved one is still with us.

Onesister thanks I wish you all the strength you need to get through this, and hope you get the RL support you clearly need too.

GretnaGreen Thu 01-Jan-15 20:56:28


I think people might either just not be thinking, or think that it would hurt you if they pointedly didn't wish you a happy new year.
FWIW I have never forgotten the useless platitudes (always kindly meant) after my DF died, and so I know it's OK not to indulge in them, but I think it takes a bereavement or other tragic experience to properly understand that.

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