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To want to leave selfish manchild based on the last few weeks alone.

(135 Posts)
homealone42 Thu 01-Jan-15 17:47:32

Bit of background. i am a sahm to 3 boisourous boys. 10, 7 and 2. 7 year old is going though process of being diagnosed for some form of behavioural issue. dh works long hours so life is no walk in the park for either of us.
Anyway dh does diy, finances, garden and occassionally cooks, washes up (well maybe once every 2 weeks)and changes the odd nappy. Maybe 40 in 2 years. I do all housework, laundry. 90% childcare including virtually all ds2 toileting needs as he has toileting issues.
Anyway in the last month dh has received a sunbstantial bonus say 4k approx. He has purchased generous presents for dc and tbf spent a tiny bit more than usual on me and purchased a few small additional gifts for himself. Yet at the same time he has been moaning about grocery bill. I pointed that that this includes some clothing purchase for dc, nappies,wipes, pj pants and cleaning materials etc. i said if he doesn't like it he should give it a try. His reply was just we need to empty freezer before yadda yadda.
So dh has been at work 3 days over xmas period. these days have been much shorter but he hasn't adjusted what he does at home to compensate. ie sat on his arse most evenings whilst I do bulk of cooking, cleaning kitchen, bedtime etc. He was heard on the phone telling sis that he was going to chill as he had worked 3 days already this week. I felt like saying well I have worked 7.
Well today dh said he was going out to buy longer shelves to display an item he collects. So obv we have enough money for this but have to economise on groceries. I also asked him to get a few essentials as he was going out. He came home with drinks for himself and ds but none of the drink I like. Healso brought a big bar of choc than only he likds.
Tomorror he is taking older 2 to panto with his mum so we have money for that. We also have money for £80 worth of computer games. His excuse was that he had allocatted £250 to buy the latest console but as his mum got it for hhim so he wzs going to buy some games.
I am married to a selfish manchild aren't I?

homealone42 Thu 01-Jan-15 17:49:24

sorry trying to type feeding poorly toddler.

OhShittingHenry Thu 01-Jan-15 17:50:46

You think? I've read far worse on here tbh. Do you think you'd be happier alone?

SusanIvanova Thu 01-Jan-15 17:51:18

Maybe he just doesn't understand what it takes to run a household because you pick up his slack. Have a frank discussion with him about how you are feeling before you label him an uncaring man-child.

TheCrimsonQueen Thu 01-Jan-15 17:53:48

He does sound selfish but everything you have said is potentially fixable. I think that there is scope to try and work on your marriage. I think you both need to sit down and have an honest discussion about the work/home balance.

I think you should also have more financial input and control. That might help give the relationship more balance.

Good luck with however you decide to move forward.

CalleighDoodle Thu 01-Jan-15 17:57:57

Tbh i think yabu. You listed the reaponsibilities he has around the home. This suggests you have allocated jobs. You then said sometimes when he is home he does some of you allocated jobs. And he has bought you some gifts, more than usual. I imagine to the mind of a man (and me) spending money on things you want is a far better use than on things you need (like cleaning products). I spend as little as possible (while still eating healthily so no ready meal rubbish or things made into nuggets!) on grocery shopping, so i have more for treats.

rallytog1 Thu 01-Jan-15 18:05:43

Agree with pps. It doesn't sound that bad, but it does seem like the balance of things may be off. So perhaps you need to have more of a say in financial decisions and he needs to have more of a say in the running of the household. And with more of a say in things potentially comes more of a responsibility for each of you in those areas.

But getting you bigger presents and more things for the kids doesn't sound like a selfish man child to me - just one who may not be very good at prioritising.

You need to sit down and talk about it. It's easy to slip into certain rules roles when one of you sah and the other has a stressful job, which can lead to you each making assumptions about each other's behaviour. Talk it out and have a look at whether you need to 're-set' anything as a couple.

Sn00p4d Thu 01-Jan-15 18:08:22

I'm struggling to see your point here. I'm trying but it's not easy! To say "well I have worked 7 days" is pretty petty, no ones household just stops running at any point, people who work still have to cook, clean, look after dcs etc.
If you are unhappy with the amount of work he does, which from your op he does seem to do a fair amount of "allocated tasks" around the house so again I'm missing the point here, then speak to him/ask him to do more?
He's taking the children to pantos and buying them drinks they like, I'm failing to see what makes him a selfish man child.

Boomtownsurprise Thu 01-Jan-15 18:09:04

I think you feel taken for granted. It sounds like you are disconnected. You need to mention this. Fast. As otherwise you will be posting to relationships regularly and will likely have LTB by 2016.

The things you mention sound fixable, possibly. Talk and you might fix them.

Depends what you want really doesn't it?

BathshebaDarkstone Thu 01-Jan-15 18:12:44

I would also give him a shopping list and ask him to try it. fsmile

homealone42 Thu 01-Jan-15 18:47:43

He has historically done diy and garden. I asked him to get drinks for all of us and he came home with a drink only he and 1 ds likes so I guess its ok for the rest of us to have tap water.

homealone42 Thu 01-Jan-15 18:49:53

yes people who work have to do all these things unless they have a sahm on hand to do it all and tidy up after them.

homealone42 Thu 01-Jan-15 18:51:21

I felt like saying it but didn' t.

haphazardbystarlight Thu 01-Jan-15 18:54:33

But that's a moot point as he does 'have' a SAHM.

I am the last person to think a DH should sit around scurried after by a harried wife but just the same we could flip that round and point out that if you didn't have DH you'd have to do all the DIY, gardening and pay for everything hmm

Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh but the total of his crimes seem to be he took it easy over Christmas and moaned about a grocery bill!

homealone42 Thu 01-Jan-15 18:55:18

cooking, childcare and washing up are surely not allocatted jobs. they are basic tasks which need to be done 7 days a week. diy and yhe garden are adhoc. Well during the hours he works they should be mine but all day, everyday is hardly fair.

Branleuse Thu 01-Jan-15 18:55:33

i think it sounds like hes doing stuff around the house a fair bit and working full time. You do more because youre the stay at home parent.

I know the xmas holidays can be stressful but chill out...

haphazardbystarlight Thu 01-Jan-15 18:57:38

So he works full time and then does 50% round the home and you do 50% in the home ?

Is that what you think is fair? It really isn't you know.

homealone42 Thu 01-Jan-15 18:59:26

He has moaned about a grocery bill but imo wasted money on replcing shelves for displaying h7s stuff. Also planning to spend more money on himself. Surely if we need to tighten our belts than why treat yourself yo more stuff when his mil has alreay indulged him with a £250 console.

Fairylea Thu 01-Jan-15 19:01:09

I think you need to organise your finances a bit more. The way we do it is to have a household account where all money goes in and all direct debits and bills come out of. From what is left we set a realistic budget per week for food / car etc and I withdraw this as cash on a Monday and use only this for food / kids / house. Whatever is left (and we have worked this out as a proper budget so we know) is split equally and transferred to our own separate accounts for spending money. Then there is no arguing about who has more money etc.

It sounds like you haven't actually agreed a budget with your dh so he has no idea how much anything costs or what he should be spending.

I think if you are a sahm it's those kind of discussions that stop the resentment creeping in.

I agree that for the days when he's had shorter days he should have pitched in more at home. Why should he have time to sit on his arse when you are still working? It should be equal. You need time off too.

Teeb Thu 01-Jan-15 19:02:42

I think it's sensible to want to tighten your belts when it comes to groceries, because that's the way to provide disposable income for treats like panto trips/new home items. If the food shop creeps up then those things are less likely.

You say yourself he works a lot. I can understand if you feel undervalued and that's a conversation worth having, but don't think of your relationship as a battle that only one person can be winning at.

homealone42 Thu 01-Jan-15 19:04:12

since when has sitting on your arse every evening been 50% and most of xmas day, boxing day etc. There has been no diy or gardening done in months. well except replacing shelves which was imo nnecessary and maybe wasing up twice and bunging some party food in the oven.

haphazardbystarlight Thu 01-Jan-15 19:04:38

I don't think you can properly compare being a stay at home parent with a WOHP.

I am a SAHM and I wouldn't insist DH worked the difference in his hours if he had a shorter shift! Blimey.

I do agree that the WOHP should muck in and help but to be fair it sounds like this DH does. Maybe not perfect but I'm not a perfect parent/SAHM either!

haphazardbystarlight Thu 01-Jan-15 19:05:31

Well I'll be a bit controversial then hidden home and say 'he paid for it' but you seem quite convinced you are in a marriage with a lazy entitled DH and well - you know best!

ConfusedInBath Thu 01-Jan-15 19:06:32

He's not a manchild OP. Never seen it.

Discopanda Thu 01-Jan-15 19:06:32

You could do a lot worse! Maybe the reason you're starting to feel resentful is because it can feel quite trapping being a SAHM, I absolutely hate the fact that I have to ask my OH for money when I need new pants! You need to have a proper talk about budgeting.

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