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To think my friend was being unkind with this comment?

(17 Posts)
sunshineandroses Thu 01-Jan-15 17:02:55

I have recently been back in contact with an old friend that I haven't seen for 2 years. We met at school aged 13 and have been friends ever since - we are both 27 now. At school, we were in a friendship group with another girl, although she only started the school when we were in sixth form. Her arrival did change the dynamic of the friendship, but there wasn't a jealousy issue - however I did always suspect that my friend valued this girl's friendship more than mine (this is relevant later on.) Despite that, I become close friends with the new girl, although we rarely see each other now.

I didn't lose contact with my old friend for any solid reason. Around the time we lost touch, she was busy seeing a new man and we had both started new jobs. I tried to stay in touch with the odd text but either didn't get an answer or got a non-committal "Hi, I'm fine! Hope you are too" and that was it. For one reason or another, I just stopped chasing the friendship and got on with life.

Over the Christmas period, I sent her a message to wish her a Merry Christmas - I do miss her and I was hoping she would answer. She replied, asking if I still lived in the same area.

In her second text, she explained that she'd moved away for work but still visits her family regularly. She then brought up our other friend from school and said "(Friend) got married this summer, we had a great time at her hen party. I wish you had been there, we all went to Italy and it was amazing..." etc.

I was a bit hmm about this because I felt it was a bit odd to bring this up in her second text to me after I hadn't seen her for years. I thought she would have been interested in hearing about how I'd been rather than talking about our old friend. It also felt slightly unkind, as if she was rubbing my nose in it because I knew about the wedding and I did feel a bit snubbed at the time. I wasn't even invited to the wedding, let alone the hen party and old friends that hadn't even been that close to her had received an invite but I had been overlooked. Part of me did think she hadn't realised that I hadn't been invited but I expect the other friend would have told her.

AIBU to feel like she was purposefully being unkind, almost like a stealth boast about how much fun they all had together? I'm meeting up with her later this week but I'm unsure of whether it's a good idea. I'm wondering if she genuinely wants to see me or if she just wants to meet up and nose about what I'm doing in my life now.

hiddenhome Thu 01-Jan-15 17:07:47

You've both moved on. It's time to find new friends.

QueenofallIsee Thu 01-Jan-15 17:10:55

Perhaps she was struggling to find something to mention that she felt was relevant to you? A story about a mutual friend/aquaintence might have seemed appropriate to keep the chat going? You don't mention if you are still friendly with the other girl i.e. not just a FB mate but someone you actually spend time with.. if you are not then I wouldn't think it a deliberate snub

I'd meet up with her, see what she talks about. If it's just about her/other friend and nothing to do with you or your life now, then let this die a death again.

It may just be that she was being tactless rather than unkind - she did say that she wished you'd been there - so give her the benefit of the doubt for now (but only a little) and see what she's like when you see her.

Also, only tell her what you want to - if you're concerned that she's just finding out details to gossip about later, then don't tell her anything sensitive or important to you.

And then get some new friends. smile

LokiBear Thu 01-Jan-15 17:11:36

It possibly was a stealth boast and she possibly does want to meet up just to sneer at you. On the other hand, she might really miss you and feel like she wished that you had been part of the wedding celebrations. Only pursue this friendship if it will make you happy . If this person is likely to make you feel insecure about your life then just let it go. Anyone who only wants to be your friend so that they can feel superior is not worth it.

nuts2you Thu 01-Jan-15 17:13:46

What hiddenhome said. She's not your friend. Sounds like you are much nicer than she is! Delete her number and move on.

misskangaandroo2014 Thu 01-Jan-15 17:16:06

She perhaps has little in common with you / has no way of knowing you're disappointed you are not closer to both of them?

quietbatperson Thu 01-Jan-15 18:57:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeeFreeKings Thu 01-Jan-15 19:03:34

Agree with quietbat. She was probably just mentioning a common thing you'd had in the past (although could have been more tactful over her choice of what that shared past was). It sounds like no good would come of rekindling this friendship if you are already second guessing her intentions.

Happynapi Thu 01-Jan-15 19:22:19

No not so early on - forget her move on time. Hard for you but be kind to yourself i would say.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv Thu 01-Jan-15 19:29:21

If it's making you unhappy and question the friendship by the 2nd text you need to drop it now.

DoJo Thu 01-Jan-15 20:06:46

Perhaps she was casting around for something that you have in common and brought up a mutual friend in the same way that many people do when catching up with old school friends. I don't think it was necessarily a dig or an attempt to highlight the fact that you weren't invited, and the fact that you immediately assumed that this was the purpose of her comment probably harks back the time when you were at school and you felt she chose the other friend over you to some extent.

If you want to have a friendship with her now, you will have to draw a line under the dynamics of your childhood friendship - it isn't helpful and won't make you happy about getting back in touch.

AwfulBeryl Thu 01-Jan-15 20:10:35

She probably thought you would be interested in a what the mutual friend / new girl had been up to. I would chat about this sort of thing with old friends with out thinking about, not to be horrible, just to catch up.

AwfulBeryl Thu 01-Jan-15 20:12:31

Plus she said that she wishes you were there, that kind of implies that she misses your company and wants to catch up. That's how I would read it anyway, if she wasn't bothered she wouldn't have even replied.

cherrypez Thu 01-Jan-15 20:28:38

hello

AwfulBeryl Thu 01-Jan-15 21:00:43

Hello smile

newyearsresolutionsnotforme Thu 01-Jan-15 22:15:38

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt OP, you'll see pretty quick when you meet up if she's deliberately been nasty and if she was then leave quickly. But she could have just been trying to make conversation.

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