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To think he should have got her an Xmas present?

(96 Posts)
Magicalsparkles Thu 01-Jan-15 16:08:59

FIL is in his 60s, sadly MIL died before I met her so he's lived alone since I can remember. He is incredibly wealthy and has helped me and dp out with a deposit for rental ect in the past so not a complete tight ass.
Anyway this year we had our DD (3 months) and his first GC. Boxing Day I agreed we would go up to FIL's sisters house and take FIL with us, when we got there FIL handed us bags of presents.
As we got to the house he handed out the presents to all the adults and children there which he had bought. Dp had one, I didn't (fair enough I'm an adult) but he hadn't got one for my DD either. His grandchild, this has really shocked me, I know she's a baby and won't understand but he got some for the other baby's there whom he sees maybe once a year.

AIBU to think he should have got DD a present?

Humansatnav Thu 01-Jan-15 16:11:37

YANBU

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Thu 01-Jan-15 16:12:46

Maybe he thought he had? If he handed out bags of presents then perhaps he had got muddled over what he'd bought.

Otherwise, he deliberated excluded you and your daughter and bought for every other person in a deliberate snub. Is that likely? Or is it more likely an oversight?

I think that in your shoes, I would say ok, he came with lots of gifts, he probably lost track of what he'd bought, he's been very generous to us, it's not a huge deal and I'd just forget about it.

redskybynight Thu 01-Jan-15 16:14:10

Did he get you a gift when the baby was born? If so, maybe he feels that he's bought you things recently, and as you say, no particular need to get a gift for a baby that doesn't know it's Christmas.

CaptainAnkles Thu 01-Jan-15 16:15:56

I think if just your DD had been left out, it would be fairly understandable since she won't remember, plenty of people would leave it til next Christmas... But the fact that it was both you and your DD left out makes me wonder if it was a deliberate snub.

Magicalsparkles Thu 01-Jan-15 16:16:04

Forgot to add, he didnt think he had. In the car on the way home dp asked me 'where's DDs present' and I said I didn't see one for her, FIL was in the car and said nothing, he has helped in the past though, yes

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Thu 01-Jan-15 16:19:51

Perhaps at that point, he was embarrassed. I think that could have come across as quite a pointed remark.

Maybe until your partner asked that question he thought he had. I mean, that's quite a conversation to have in front of him! I'd have been mortified to have done that. It just comes across like hinting/accusing. It's not the sort of thing you ask right in front of the person who gave gifts.

Bulbasaur Thu 01-Jan-15 16:22:17

I think if he's going to buy for adults he shouldn't exclude anyone. Unless it was a joint gift to both you, that in and of itself was rude. Even if he's just getting for blood family, it's still making a distinction that "You're family" and "You're not". It's "othering" anyone that he doesn't see as true family in a subtle way, and that can include DD since she's your daughter and you're not family to him.

Anyway, as for DD, yes but it's not really a snub against her is it? She won't remember or even understand a gift that young.

Depending on circumstances it might be a snub if he excluded you as well. It could just be forgetfulness. It could be a way to show disapproval.

It all depends on your typical relationship. If you get along well and he's typically a nice man, I wouldn't worry. He probably forgot or didn't see the point of getting a 3 month old a gift.

DB loves DD, but didn't see the point of getting a baby a gift that she won't remember or understand. He still got her a token gift to be polite to me and DH, but she certainly won't get anything out of it other than a new thing to stick in her mouth.

So.. I can't say YA(N)BU without knowing more.

Magicalsparkles Thu 01-Jan-15 16:26:44

We've never really got on, never argued or anything like that. But he believed I got pregnant to 'trap' dp (we'd been together for 5 years) and was very vocal about how I should have had an abortion as he wanted dp to travel more ect before settleig down Once she was born we got on but with minimal conversation. I probably should've included that, he does adore her now though

Bulbasaur Thu 01-Jan-15 16:28:25

Maybe until your partner asked that question he thought he had. I mean, that's quite a conversation to have in front of him! I'd have been mortified to have done that. It just comes across like hinting/accusing. It's not the sort of thing you ask right in front of the person who gave gifts.

You kidding? If my parents did that, I'd ask them on the spot while they were passing out gifts where DD's gift was. If anyone should be mortified, it should be him. He's the one who excluded his grandchild.

He could have quickly gone, "Oh no! She didn't get one? I'm sorry!" or something to that effect.

Bulbasaur Thu 01-Jan-15 16:29:16

he does adore her now though

Does he? He just excluded her.

That doesn't seem like a loving grandfather thing to do.

fluffymouse Thu 01-Jan-15 16:41:40

Maybe he thinks that as she is only 3 months old she wouldn't benefit from a present?

Lots of people don't get their own babies Christmas presents.

He sounds like a decent person overall

SparklesForEveryone Thu 01-Jan-15 16:53:03

Sounds really 'decent'...

But he believed I got pregnant to 'trap' dp (we'd been together for 5 years) and was very vocal about how I should have had an abortion as he wanted dp to travel more ect before settleig down

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Thu 01-Jan-15 16:53:29

No, I'm not kidding. grin I just have a different thought on it. Different people behave in different ways. There are people who would behave as you say - omg did I forget, I am so sorry... there are people who would be upset or embarrassed or even feel cross or that they were being attacked. There are people who would find it rude of someone to bring it up, there are people who would be baffled if you didn't ask.

I don't make the mistake of thinking that how I would think or act in any situation is how everyone else would. Maybe he's an arse. Maybe he did it on purpose. Maybe he's not an arse and maybe he forgot and maybe how he felt sitting in that car with that conversation going on around him is different to how you would feel or how I would feel. I mean, I wouldn't have forgotten in the first place. I do lists and I triple check everything. That doesn't mean it's impossible that he forgot. I would be embarrassed if that conversation was had around me and feel mortified.

I would just be wary of jumping to the worst possible conclusion for someone's actions. I think it's better to give people the benefit of the doubt.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Thu 01-Jan-15 16:54:46

meant to say that the whole "trapped my partner" adds another dimension but that wasn't there when I posted.

Magicalsparkles Thu 01-Jan-15 17:00:44

I do understand she's a baby, and if he hadn't bought for the other baby's I wouldn't have batted an eyelid, but I do know he did not forget

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Thu 01-Jan-15 17:03:16

If you know he did it on purpose then how do you reconcile that with him "adoring" her? He both adores her and excludes her? What do you think is his motivation for that?

If you feel that what he is doing is some sort of deliberate snub/attack on you, then the best thing is for his son to sit down with him, tell him how you all feel and ask him what is going on.

What HowCan said - he obviously doesn't "adore her" if he cba to buy her a present.

Ds1 was 3wo for his first Christmas - he still got presents from the family. Mostly clothes and baby things, but still.

I think your FIL is projecting his dislike of you onto your DD, frankly, and I'd be tempted to ask your DP what he's going to do/say about it.

greeneggsandjam Thu 01-Jan-15 17:10:34

I think he is trying to send you a pretty clear message there!

fredfredgeorgejnr Thu 01-Jan-15 17:22:36

She's 3 months old, she doesn't even understand what a present is.

YAB utterly U and I'm not surprised you don't get on, it sounds a lot like you married your DH to access his fathers wealth. To the extent that you moan that a present wasn't bought for a 3 month old.

Birdsgottafly Thu 01-Jan-15 17:34:54

""he does adore her now though
Does he? He just excluded her.
That doesn't seem like a loving grandfather thing to do.""

I didn't buy my own DD's born in Nov/Dec first Christmas presents.

I didn't buy my three week old Granddaughter any, either.

I've bought lots for her, whilst my DD was pregnant and also maternity clothes. I will put money into her ISA this year.

The FIL has helped secure a roof over any of his Grandchildrens heads, by way of a deposit.

I personally think my almost daily "hands on" visits (including cooking/cleaning/Breastfeeding support (as well as Birth partner). My willingness to have my GD for two days later this month and then whenever needed/wanted, means more than something for her parents to open.

I could of written similar last year about my new Nephew (who I have given a lot of support to him and his Mum).

But according to this thread, I actually don't give a shit about my family members.

Birdsgottafly Thu 01-Jan-15 17:37:20

Oh, sorry I forgot YRB very very U.

haphazardbystarlight Thu 01-Jan-15 17:37:33

I probably wouldn't get a baby a present terrible future grandma

Magicalsparkles Thu 01-Jan-15 17:43:53

I am with dp to access his fathers wealth? What a load of crap, oh and I haven't married him so that rules your intelligent idea out. And yes he helped with a flat deposit of £200 (we did pay back within 2 months) I understand she's a baby which is why I asked on here if IABU however as I said I would not have batted an eyelid if he hadn't of bought 3 other babies (all under 1) presents, it may well be a dig at me I suppose looking at it

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 01-Jan-15 17:44:11

What does your DP think about everyone else (by the sound of it) being given a present EXCEPT his partner and his daughter?

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