AIBU Expecting house-husband to start employment after 15 years?

[casbie]

After being the sole-earner for the family for 15 years (12 years employed and 3 years self-employed), do you think I am being unreasonable to expect my house-husband to get employment?

This has issue has risen after him failing to get work in retail, so I took him on as a book-keeper. However, everything else takes precedent so rather than working for me, he drags his heels and finds every excuse to do something else which is more important.

After paying for him to go on a book-keeping course, paying him for the work he's done and letting him do the work when he can, I still can't get him to do just do what I have asked him to do.

(My books still have two months left to do).

We have had a blazing row about file record keeping, ie. creating back-ups.

I have tried to be patient, understand there is a recession, understand that he is nervous about getting a new job. But am p*ssed-off that the house is a state and that he cares more about online gaming than getting stuff done.

Since I have banned him from the iPad, suddenly the house is a bit tidier as he is trying to prove that yes, really housework does take 8 hours a day, when the children are honestly old enough to do most of it themselves.

I have even taken out the bins because he won't get up early enough to put them out.

Am I Being Unreasonable expecting house-husband to get employment after 15 years? Youngest is nine, by the way!

[OriginalGreenGiant]

I have even taken out the bins because he won't get up early enough to put them out

Well perish the thought

If he's been a SAHD then surely you're not paying for him to do the course etc...you're using family funds, no?

And being a SAHD doesn't mean you get a free get out clause for any household jobs. I suspect YABU.

[Pagwatch]

I think the 'get employment' thing is not the point.

You just need him to pull his weight.

I've been a sahm for 18 years. It would be pointless for me to try and get a job now (because of our circumstances) but I definitely pull my weight and what I do makes our life together much much better.

It's not the house husband role that is the problem. It's that he is idle.

[formerbabe]

Since I have banned him from the iPad

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Did you make a decision as a couple that he would be a SAHP and roughly how long for?

Did you make a deicision as a couple that he should now return to work?

If the kids are old enough now that childcare really isnt necessary, then the bulk of the housework should be done by him during the week while you work. However I still stand by the sharing of stuff that needs doing evenings and weekends.

I am slightly agog at you banning him from the iPad - I imagine a thread of.opposites where the WOH man bans his SAH wife from Mumsnet in the daytime - there would be an outcry!

[FayKorgasm]

You've several issues going on. What was the conversation when dh became a sahd? Is there a financial need for him to work? Has he expressed a desire to work? Is he addicted to online gaming?

FWIW you don't sound like you like him very much.

[Fabulous46]

Since I have banned him from the iPad, suddenly the house is a bit tidier

I'm disgusted by this OP. Your husband isn't a child! Tidy the bloody house yourself if you're not happy. If a man had written this about a SAHM there would have been an uproar.

[casbie]

Have paid for the course £200, paid for his book-keeping work at £7 an hour and he can work when kids are at school.

What's not to like?

He takes longer than my previous book-keeper to do the job, but I thought I was helping him get a foot on the ladder and training to get other book-keeping roles.

Next two courses are £500 each.

[cabbageandgravy]

Not necessarily idle but has a gambling problem, it sounds like? The internet anyway is a great "pull" if what you should be doing is a bit dull/difficult, but online gaming? You had to 'ban' the iPad? There's possibly an issue here over him not feeling like an adult and you not/ not being able to treat him like one?

[FayKorgasm]

Yes whats not to like about being treated like a child or an employee.

[ShootTheMoon]

YANBU to encourage him to find work.

YABVVU to 'ban' him from anything and 'pay for' employment qualifications. You've earned family money for the last 15 years while your husband has covered childcare and house work. It is family money that is being spent, not yours.

You don't sound very happy. What does he need to be motivated and confident right now?

[Marylou2]

I think I might be a lone voice OP as I can imagine the type of responses this thread will attract but YANBU. This would drive me nuts!! I can't imagine that your DH is suddenly going to switch gear and become an alpha male breadwinner but presumably you know this after 15 years. Does he have up to date workplace skills?

[Marylou2]

Sorry cross posted re the workplace skills!

[cricketpitch]

YANBU but I suspect this won't be an easy thing to deal with. The temptation of the sofa and the iPad coupled with a natural drop in confidence will mean it is a huge effort to get up and go. He needs to be out of the house a couple of days a week. Persuade him to volunteer, get a part time job anything to reconnect him to the work and engage his interest.

The gaming seems to be a problem. is it/

[pollyannagoestotown]

YANBU. He could have said he didn't want to do bookkeeping and would look for a part-time job to start on the career ladder. If he said he wanted to do it, and he got the money from the business rather than you employing someone, then he should do what he said he would do.

BUT - could he be depressed ..... if he is addicted to computers / gaming he needs to be in a proper work environment and not working from home - ie away from temptation. You being his boss isn't going to help.

And if I was you, I would be pissed off too.

[casbie]

iPad was a gift from his father to help me set-up the business and show my work on. It is not supposed to be used for family stuff. However, I have let the children on it and hubby on it to play games etc. He has then 'poached' the iPad from the children as his gaming is far more important. And is on it for at least 8 hours a day.

That's why I banned him from the iPad.

Yes, I am upset because I think his is idle.

And because I have had 15 years of defending him as a House-husband and his right to stay at home with the children.

Now, it's harder and harder to come up with reasons why.

[Isetan]

You banned him from the iPad, wow! It appears that his position of bookkeeper is just another way for you to control him.

A parent/ child dynamic has been established and it appears you believe the responsibility for breaking that dynamic, is your H's. Your attitude/ behaviour is a part of the problem.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I think you are missing something here. You say that YOU have paid for his £200 course & for his work at £7 per hour. If you want to view this money as all yours, as opposed to family funds, then I hope you've also been paying him the going rate for childcare for the past 15 years?!

Does he even want to be your book keeper?

[AnnoyingOrange]

Sounds like he needs to get his finger out to me.

The vast majority of SAHP only SAH for a period in their working lives and start paid employment when the children are older

[CalleighDoodle]

Separate the issues.

Family money paid for him to get qualifications to enable him to find work now the children are old enough to not need a sahp. But he does not seem to want this this. Talk to h about what he thinks he wants his next role to be and discuss as a couple whether this is feasible.

He is not doing the job of bookkeeper adequately so you need to tell him it is not working for you and hire someone else to do the role.

He needs counselling over the gambling issues.

[CalleighDoodle]

Although paying him to work for the family business sounds a bit like youre giving your husband and partner spending money.

[cricketpitch]

I think people are being a bit hard on the OP here. I certainly wouldn't want to live with someone who was on an iPad for 8 hrs a day and not really contributing. Also what is attractive about a man who has no get up and go?

The current set up isn't working and they need to change it - together yes - but he is the one who is happy with it at the moment so she is the one who will have to jump start it.

[expatinscotland]

He sounds a lazy slob. And I'd say that about a woman, too.

[casbie]

He has hidden £3,700 in debt from me, which he took from a mortgage account in both of our names*. I didn't know anything about it till five years ago. What he spent it on, I have no idea.

When I found out I went ballistic, as I am always careful with money. And I guess I haven't felt able to trust him since then.

He has had a gambling habit when I met him.

By the way, he keeps the Child Benefit and Child Tax Credit etc for weeklies.

I pay for everything else, clothes, shoes, morgage, ins., repairs etc.

[pollyannagoestotown]

Beyond me - so he gets to lounge around playing on his iPad (presumably they aren't living off his inheritance / previously accumulated wealth etc etc) and the OP gets to run herself ragged trying to be superwoman. Exactly how that is a partnership escapes me.

[MinceSpy]

OP I'm assuming you employ him as a bookkeeper through your business just as many husbands employ their wives. The rest of the time he is a SAHH and you are the main earner.
You need to talk to him, is he happy in his role, does he actually want to work for you, why is he gambling etc.
His answers will help you work out what needs to happen next, you may need to accept his resignation and get a bookkeeper.
Banning the iPad isn't your place but suggesting he sees his doctor re gambling and depression would be sensible.