Have Namechanged for this, regular reader, occasional poster but do not want to out myself as feeling very shaky and not sure if aibu or over-reacting.
To give a brief backstory, have 3 x DC (ages 17-26) and have been divorced from their dad for 9 years. Times have been difficult but after many years as a SAHM found a job when exH left me for OW and have worked really hard to keep things ticking over and worked even harder to make sure DC were happy and settled.
Oldest DD who lives at other side of country (stayed in uni town) never calls me first but when I do manage to speak to her, things always seem ok but she can be cold with me which I have tried to address with her, but she clams up. This hurts me a lot, but I make excuses for her in my head and keep hoping it will get better.
Relationship with younger 2 has been easier as they still live with me and we have some good times, or so I thought. Had dinner this evening before I dropped them both off at parties (in opp directions so out for 2 hours) and will be doing the same at 2am to pick up. Over dinner having a light-hearted conversation about NY resolutions and youngest DD said maybe you should try not to be so paranoid and over-emotional about everything. Nervous laughter from DS. He followed up with oh and maybe try not to embarrass us so much and get so involved in our lives.
Although this upset me I hid it well and asked them what they meant and out spilled lots of examples about how I question them too much, and that I can be a killjoy with a long face :( they cant talk to me with problems as I obviously cant cope.
Anyway, dropped them off, came home and now sitting here in shock as had no idea my own DC felt this way but maybe I should have known by how oldest DD treats me? Other people looking in always tell me what a wonderful mother I am to have held things together - exH virtually non-contact - and I feel like I have built myself up to be some kind of hero when obviously I have been selfish and not handled everything half as well as I should have to the people that really matter here.
I know I have to do something about my life, this is NYE and I am alone, no relationship, a fat mess, no friends to spend the evening with either so realise I am having my own self-pity party, but feel so numb and shocked and if I try to talk to them they will say it was only banter (hate that word) or even worse, that I am proving them right by being over-emotional, paranoid, and all the other words they said.
Feel like my whole life is a lie and I am not the person I thought I was this morning so I want to wake up tomorrow and try and address this somehow but not sure where to start. AIBU to ask for some honest opinions here on NYE, they must want me to change right? They are good kids so didnt speak out of spite. How do I undo and rewind, without falling into a huge pit of pity?
AIBU?
DC setting down NY resolutions for me, AIBU?
BatterednotBruised · 31/12/2014 22:44
Ah, shit. Children are selfish. They probably developed these ideas out of guilt, so they wouldn't have to be humbled by/ immobilised by guilt in the face of what you have done, and sacrificed for them. 
I'd not get involved in their lives by not picking them up. Sounds like selfish teens to me.
for you, please don't feel so sad.
Oh, love.
I'm not sure quite what to say but it does sound as if your DC love you very much and more than that, they respect you enough to actually give honest answers to difficult questions. Maybe they didn't phrase their answers as well as they might have 
but good on them for trying, and good on you for listening with an open mind.
It's hard to say much else without knowing more of the situation and in particular, how your DC see things. But keep the faith - you've made a start; keep talking to each other and between you you ought to be able to work things out.
Again - kudos for being open to having difficult conversations and trying to get the best out of them - if more people took that attitude, the world would be a happier place.
Everybody in the entire world irritates their nearest and dearest from time to time. If the worst your kids can come up with at the most self-obsessed, unaware stage of their lives (teens) is that you are a bit over-anxious about them, then you should consider yourself a raging success as a mother
Your DC are in the midst of establishing themselves as adults so, of course it is going to rankle sometimes that you worry about them - in their minds, they are invincible. Give them a couple of years and they'll have this in perspective and realise that your concerns were entirely normal.
You sound like a lovely person. Don't let this get you down.
They're bloody cheeky, speaking to you like that.. but sadly, youngsters often "know it all" so can be unthinkingly selfish. They love you and exasperate you at the same time. I wouldn't bring it up with them in your shoes..just draw back a little, so they can get on with being independent..until they run back to mummy again with requests for lifts, advice, etc
Why don't you improve things for yourself? You've mentioned your weight..so, perhaps aim to lose a little weight to feel a bit better about it..join MeetUp.com maybe? I know a few friends who have had success meeting people with similar interests for friendship/taking up hobbies on there. Listen to music, treat yourself to a spa day, beauty treatment, anything you like.
Its quite easy to fall into the trap of life revolving around your DCs and thus becoming over-interested and involved in their lives ..but honestly as they're growing older it really is best to have your own interests, things to do and look forward to. They spread their wings to fly - and so must you
Great idea to spend the money on you.
I think I would be talking to them too. Something along the lines of what you said hurt me even though it wasn't your intention but what you said made me realise that I have been putting so much effort into making you happy that I have neglected myself and that needs to change and will be changing so thank you for your honesty.
Then put yourself first for a while 
Yeah, agree with the other posters, start your Less Involvement Phase by not picking the cheeky buggers up! 
Now then, don't be letting what they've said shake your confidence, or your perception of how you're doing as their mum.
It's your right to embarrass them! If not for that, WTF else is there for revenge you to look forward to as you go through the difficult times when they're younger?
Eh?
Nothing!
If you're not there to interfere in their lives, then who the fuck will??
You just brazen it out like I do and laugh in the face of their scorn and condescension, you've fucking earnt your status!
I would have been hurt if my girls had said similar things to me so you are not being over emotional or paranoid....you are reacting in an entirely reasonable way. I do a lot for my girls but make sure I have a life of my own. They were both away with friends for a few days and then this morning my 17 was still on bed at 11am, I mentioned that I was meeting a friend for a coffee and she tried to make me feel guilty saying ' but I've come home so we do something nice together, I thought we could go out for lunch'...this had not been mentioned to me before then. I explained I was going out and was gone for about 3 hours ( several coffees ), when I got back she was up and dressed and we sat and watched a film together. We had a lovely afternoon together and I hope that she realised that I don't sit around waiting for them to come back to entertain me.
I think that you owe it to yourself and to your children to have a life and interests of your own. I hope 2015 is a good year for you
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I think that now a life has been offered it would do more harm than good to change plans now. I personally wouldn't offer a lift at that time of the morning. I like/need my sleep too much to be out picking up my girls at 2 am. They know to either book a taxi or make plans to stay with friends/boyfriend. But as the op has already made arrangements to collect them it would just cause cause bad feeling, and that's not how this family need to start a new year. I'm sure in the weeks and months to come the lifts will become more sparse as the op embarks on a life of her own.
Here's hoping that they will be the ones picking you up his time next year 
Love they will cringe when they are older and parents themselves and remember what they have said to you.
My kids range from 25 to 15.
It's very hard to let go especially in your situation being both mom and dad.
You sound super my love.
Pick them up tonight and please vaccume really early tomorrow morning.
Seriously start to be a bit selfish and pursue your own life. Be less accommodating and let them
Sort out their own lifts and lives
You owe it to them to listen to what they said and act in it and you owe it to yourself to have some bloody fun now and me time.
Please post their reaction when you refuse the next lift as you are busy.
New year new you. Xxx
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