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to be hurt by this or do i need to get a grip

(199 Posts)
vintagecrap Wed 31-Dec-14 20:15:40

We have a family new years day, have always done it and for the last 8 or so years i have hosted it.

My mother was hurt before xmas as my sister wasnt going to spend xmas day with her ( nor the rest of us) and yet again hadnt invited anyone over. Noone ever gets an invite as my sister ' doesnt do family, and if she does she has to have us all and she doesnt want that'

Anyway, mum was hurt over xmas and spent a good week complaining how nice it would be to be invited somewhere, I always contribute, i cook their ham and take 7-8 dishes and made mince pies to take too. Sister took nothing but still turned up and ate all of boxing day.

Mum said its not an issue for me as i have hosted xmas day before and im on my own and working crazy hours and i always do new years day.

She made a big song and dance over the fact that my sister was unfair to leave people out and she would never do that etc etc.

i find out that my sister has organsed a meal tonight, at hers, with my mum and me and DD were not invited.

I am very hurt, have said so and have been told im being discusting to even say im hurt and how dare i.

They said they wouldnt even think of asking me as i had been at work and they knew i would be organising things for the party tomorrow... which is for them!

Ive been in floods of tears.

WorraLiberty Wed 31-Dec-14 20:21:40

Sorry this has hurt you but I have to say it all sounds a bit dramatic.

Your sister is just having your Mum over for a bit of dinner...probably because your Mum has been moaning over Christmas.

Is there a reason why your Mum can't have you all over to hers at Christmas by the way?

Beanie99 Wed 31-Dec-14 20:24:12

I would be hurt as well, I think your sister is being a thoughtless, selfish cow. Even if you didn't want to go due to work etc, she could have at least asked. Personally I would 'forget' to invite her anywhere next Christmas/New Year.

vintagecrap Wed 31-Dec-14 20:27:06

It's new years eve though. They are all seeing it in together, having a take away etc.

When they know I'm on my own and made a big song and dance about never leaving anyone out.

And while they know ill be up for hours prepping stuff for tomorrow.

RunnerHasbeen Wed 31-Dec-14 20:30:43

Get a grip camp here, your DSis is trying to placate your mum (who is the most unreasonable in this scenario with petty grievances and expectations). Your DSis has told everyone that she can't handle you all together and nobody cares. If she wants to even things up with separate invites that she is comfortable with, then surely that is only a good thing. Better than your mum still being in a grump with her at your dinner tomorrow.

edwinbear Wed 31-Dec-14 20:32:44

YANBU. I'd be hurt too. I don't understand why being at work should prevent you going out in the evening, and if they offered to help with the prep for tomorrow surely you should be able to do both. Sometimes it's the being asked which is more important than the actual attending. It all comes across as a bit secretive otherwise doesn't it.

TracyBarlow Wed 31-Dec-14 20:35:18

YANBU. I think that's crappy behaviour from them. Who leaves ter sister on her own for NYE FFS?

WorraLiberty Wed 31-Dec-14 20:36:48

I agree that your Mum is definitely the unreasonable one here

And as for cooking her ham, taking 7-8 dishes with you and making mince pies, I have to ask does your Mum actually do anything herself?

This does not make your sister unreasonable for turning up without food on Boxing day and eating the food that was there. Perhaps she thought there was more than enough without adding to it?

vintagecrap Wed 31-Dec-14 20:36:56

it was secretive, i found out by accident. they werent going to tell me, and hadnt.... i even asked what they were up to and mum changed the subject.

i wouldnt have gone, but just to have been asked, or, if i had been told and it wasnt hidden.

its that that is really hurtful

WorraLiberty Wed 31-Dec-14 20:39:35

But your sister doesn't want to do it. It sounds as though your Mum has emotionally blackmailed her into a corner.

You said yourself, my sister doesnt do family, and if she does she has to have us all and she doesnt want that

CleanLinesSharpEdges Wed 31-Dec-14 20:40:19

You admit that even if you had been asked, you wouldn't have gone, YABU.

vintagecrap Wed 31-Dec-14 20:40:24

she cooks the turkey, stuffing and some of the veg. and sets the table.

My brother contrubites money wise.... i do my bit, sister does nothing.

its just a bit of a history of this i guess. I do things at mine, birthday meals bbqs etc. noone ever gets an invite from the sister as she doesnt like to have anyone over, but will have her boyfriends family over....

mum gets upset all the time and spends ages in a state about it.

edwinbear Wed 31-Dec-14 20:40:25

That's going to make for ever such an uncomfortable atmosphere tomorrow. What on earth were they going to say when you asked tomorrow what they did on the evening before? Lie?

vintagecrap Wed 31-Dec-14 20:41:59

i wouldnt have gone because im prepping for the party that they are all coming to tomorrow....

which ive said im now cancelling and i have tons of food that will now go to waste and im not sure if i should just cook it in case, or just think fuck it and freeze it

Sn00p4d Wed 31-Dec-14 20:43:20

Do you enjoy doing this New Years day dinner thing?
it would be my idea of a living hell

WorraLiberty Wed 31-Dec-14 20:45:57

Really? You've thrown your toys out of the pram and cancelled the party because you weren't invited to a dinner that your sister clearly didn't want, but was guilted into having and you wouldn't have attended anyway, even if you were invited?

All this knowing that your sister doesn't do family and doesn't want to?

Like I said...it's all very dramatic.

I'm beginning to see why your sister might want to spend more time with her boyfriends family.

vintagecrap Wed 31-Dec-14 20:46:38

not hugely no, im the only one that has been working between xmas and new year, i work in retail so not only have i been working, but im working very very hard at the moment. Im bloody knackered, im a lone parent and its a damn lot of work on my own.....

but mum always makes a deal over she does xmas, so i sort of feel like i should do something. and DD likes it.

I feel like sticking the meat in the freezer and just having a lie in and leaving the house as it is.... its a tip because ive been working so much....

vintagecrap Wed 31-Dec-14 20:47:59

well. yes. but i dont see why i should be up till late and up early busting a gut to put on a party for people who are going to lie to my face....

vintagecrap Wed 31-Dec-14 20:48:56

the boyfriends family is only one person. he doesnt speak to his dad and had a big falling out with his brother over a tablet.

WorraLiberty Wed 31-Dec-14 20:51:43

Right well cancel it then and enjoy your lie in

I'm sure your sister will be relieved and if your Mum gets the hump, perhaps it will encourage her to pull her finger out and make herself more useful.

Sn00p4d Wed 31-Dec-14 20:52:05

If it was me, although I am by all accounts "introverted" or jst a selfish cow depending on who you ask I'd sack the whole thing for ever more, start a new tradition with your DD and stop being a martyr.
Not meaning to sound harsh but there is no way I'd be putting myself through that for people who neither appreciate it nor reciprocate.
Your DD will like whatever you choose to do as I'm sure the main attraction is spending time with her mum smile

Inertia Wed 31-Dec-14 20:55:26

Yanbu. It's pretty mean of them to go behind your back to celebrate nye together, then expect to turn up for a feast at yours tomorrow.

Sounds as though you do more than your fair share at Christmas too.

debbriana Wed 31-Dec-14 20:56:58

I would tell them not to come tomorrow . Simple.

grumpyoldgitagain Wed 31-Dec-14 20:59:03

Think I would feel pissed off and upset in your position as well VintageCrap

And would probably feel like cancelling tomorrow as well, although would probably still do it and just freeze the best bits so they didn't get wasted and just feed them the stuff that would go off and not freeze

ilovesooty Wed 31-Dec-14 20:59:34

Everyone and everything sounds over dramatic to me.

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