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to be fed up of having to mother DH more than the DC?

(94 Posts)
CloudiaPickle Wed 31-Dec-14 14:02:42

DH is one of those men who never takes the initiative to do anything. Heasks which direction to turn at the end of roads if our ddestination could be reached either way. He asks me what the DC want to eat/drink if they say they're hungry/thirsty even though they're sat right there, too. If the baby is crying, I have to ask if he's checked her nappy because it would never occur to him to do so.

Last week I was feeding the baby and toddler was reaching for something she couldn't reach. She began climbing on something she shouldn'tand DH just sat watching. I asked toddler to get down but she said she was stuck. Still DH sits watching. DD starts to cry as she's stuck. Still, DH just watches. I get up while feeding baby to help toddler and they're both crying. I say to DH: 'don't get up, will you!' (Not usually snippy but this was approximately the hundredth instance like this that weekend) and he said: 'well you didn't ask me to do anything'...!

The toddler will repeat constantly that she's done a poo and would like her nappy changed. Unless I specifically ask him to (if I'm feeding baby/cooking etc) he'll take no initiative to do it.

Last week he was ill. He spent five days on the sofa barely talking to any of us besides to ask for drinks/paracetamol/blankets etc. He phoned 111, went to a&e and out of hours doctors - all of whom told him they can't prescribe anything for the cold virus. Now the DC and I have the same cold. He's been out twice at night this week, at work all day and hasn't done anything to help when he's here. I can't take medication because of breastfeeding. He went to the shop this morning while at work and despite knowing I'd said we need nappies, bread etc this morning so we'd all have to go out in the cold -he didn't think to get them while at the shop.

Aibu to be fed up of nothing happening unless I specifically instruct him and to think a grown man shouldn't take more mothering than 5 DC?

WorraLiberty Wed 31-Dec-14 14:12:16

You had 5 DC with this man???

CloudiaPickle Wed 31-Dec-14 14:13:20

Two together, three from previous marriages

Fadingmemory Wed 31-Dec-14 14:13:57

Just stop. Don't do anything for him at all without specific instructions. When he runs out of clean clothes, gets hungry and complains, just say he didn't give you specific instructions.

You have a hypochondriac man child in the house. He needs training and no, your 5DC need mothering. He needs to behave like an adult and not an attention-seeking child.

EdithWeston Wed 31-Dec-14 14:17:43

Of course YANBU.

I suggest two things:

a) read Wifework By Susan Maushart (will link later if no one else does; tablet acting weird right now)
b) go out more, including away for a whole weekend and leave him in charge

kwerty Wed 31-Dec-14 14:19:16

Have. Words. Has he always been incapable like this? Time to man up! I feel for ypu, that is such frustrating behaviour; I would have lost my rag I'm afraid.

silveroldie2 Wed 31-Dec-14 14:22:01

Sorry to keep repeating myself on threads like this but you chose to marry this 'man' and then have FIVE children. Unless he has only recently morphed into a lazy lump, you have allowed him to behave this way, why would he change when you have accepted him being lazy and useless up to this point?

The time to have dealt with it was after you got married, not now but good luck trying to change him.

Viviennemary Wed 31-Dec-14 14:24:03

He needs a rude awakening that's for sure. I agree with Fadingmemory No meal for him. Well he didn't ask you for one. Maybe he will get it eventually.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 31-Dec-14 14:29:27

What type of work does he do (approximately)? Is it something that requires initiative, is he in charge of other employees? If he has the sort of job where everything is micromanaged and the employers' perception of staff is that they are useless morons who need to be told what to do and shouted at for disobedience or answering back there might be some excuse for his lazy, selfish behaviour, but if he is expected to be responsible and competent at work then he is being selfish at home and treating you as though you are his servant.
Sit him down and say 'I am fed up with your laziness and selfishness. If you don't start making more of an effort then I will divorce you.' And set yourself a time limit to see improvements. If he doesn't improve, get rid. It's better to be single than have a lazy man in the house - you are free of the bitter resentment that comes from wanting him to pull his weight and wondering if he ever will - and also of the work involved in feeding/cleaning for/indulging him as well as DC.

Bulbasaur Wed 31-Dec-14 14:30:12

Gotcha covered EdithWeston: Wife Work

Well, why are you mothering him then? I'd stop doing things for him until he appreciates it, as PP's have said.

I'd also be direct with him why you're doing this and what you expect from him. Being passive aggressive doesn't always make for good and concise communication.

CloudiaPickle Wed 31-Dec-14 14:31:13

His mum tried taking him to a&e after one day of being ill...! That says it all, I think.

Considering we have a newborn who I'm breastfeeding and he's never got up with, a toddler who wakes twice per night and he doesn't get up with and he had three weeks off work in December, I:

Wrote and sent the Christmas cards
Researched, bought and wrapped all presents
Did all food shopping
Put up all decorations
And everything else.

He slept through it and couldn't even tell you what presents the kids got.

MrsAmaretto Wed 31-Dec-14 14:33:54

What's the benefit of having him live with you?

CloudiaPickle Wed 31-Dec-14 14:34:32

It's having to instruct him about the DC that infuriates me. He is in charge in an important job!

pumpkinsweetie Wed 31-Dec-14 14:35:11

Oh the manflu arrrgggghh!
I have a similar occassion going on here today with my dh. How i haven't hit him over the head with the leftover wrapping paper i don't knowangry

He has not got dressed all day and is still sitting, or shall i say laying in his onsie all day, groaning and moaning and asking for things to be fetched because he has a cold. He is now napping for the 2nd time today, whilst i wash up from his soup and numerous cups he has used.
What is it with some men and a cold that they just think is life-threatening. When we carry on as we have to!

snice Wed 31-Dec-14 14:41:11

So forgive me for being dim but what's the point of him OP?

VitalStollenFix Wed 31-Dec-14 14:44:07

I think you need to sit down and have a serious chat about it.

It isn't that he can't, it's that he can't be bothered. And there's a big difference.

Relate it to his work. Ask him how far he'd get if he functioned at work as he does at home and ask him why he feels it is acceptable to pretend to have no brain.

Does he think home stuff is beneath him?

I suggest refusing to instruct him. Throwing it back with a "you decide", "I'll leave it up to you." "you're driving, you choose", "Whatever you want is fine, you decide" etc etc where possible

Make it plain that you find his conduct pathetic and shameful and he needs to drop the act right now.

expatinscotland Wed 31-Dec-14 14:46:39

I fail to see how a person like this would ever be attractive enough to touch, much less procreate with it.

championnibbler Wed 31-Dec-14 14:46:42

your new years resolution could be to start proceedings to divorce this man child.
(5 kids - he's well able to get it up though, eh?)

expatinscotland Wed 31-Dec-14 14:50:19

Let me hazard a guess as to why his first marriage failed . . .

TheAwfulDaughter Wed 31-Dec-14 14:50:39

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pagwatch Wed 31-Dec-14 14:50:46

Op .
I'm sorry to be pedantic but he is not 'one of those men who never takes the initiative to do anything'
There are not a swathe of men with some kind of incompetence syndrome.

There are just useless lazy fuckers of either sex and the people who facilitate them.

When did you decide this was a personality trait and start mothering him. Because you did.

1981 Wed 31-Dec-14 14:53:02

It sounds like your life would be much easier without your DH.

Why are you still with him? What does he add do your life, your children's lives, to make this situation acceptable?

You need to read Wifework, it will change your life. It may be the kick up the bum you need - to boot him out or get him to shape up.

TheAwfulDaughter Wed 31-Dec-14 14:53:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

1981 Wed 31-Dec-14 14:53:53

Pagwatch agree WRT "There are not a swathe of men with some kind of incompetence syndrome. There are just useless lazy fuckers of either sex and the people who facilitate them."

Hear hear!

WorraLiberty Wed 31-Dec-14 14:55:12

His mum tried taking him to a&e after one day of being ill...!That says it all, I think

No it doesn't say it all

It indicates that many years ago he was raised by a woman who facilitates his behaviour...or that she may be partly responsible for his mindset.

What it doesn't say, is why you have chosen to facilitate this shit?

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