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To send MIL a passive aggressive text

(249 Posts)
Ruperta Wed 31-Dec-14 09:47:40

Ok so bit of a back story and posted a few times previously. PILS are very involved in SIL family, essentially amazing GPs, provide childcare 2 days a week, often have them over night and take their son swimming every Saturday. They live 30 mins drive away which obviously is a reason for them being closer but there is a loooooonnnggg history of obvious favouritism to SIL family and children. SIL is lovely by the way and fair play I would gratefully take all help offered in the same way as she does.

In comparison we live further away (london) 2hrs on train, 4 hrs drive and we have a two children (1&3), the youngest the same age as SIL youngest. There has been lots of little episodes of things that have gradually grated me & my DH re:favouritism and lack of effort from MIL, many many many which are too petty to go into but last episode left a bit of a frosty atmosphere.

E.g they visited us twice last year, the second time we asked as a favour as we needed someone to look after children as I was a bridesmaid at the wedding. It was the first time me and DH had been out and DS2 was 10 months. They came down and basically used our house as a base, went out to meet old friends, arranged for family to come round on the day we were out at the wedding - I put my foot down and said that they agreed to look after children and they weren't to have friends round (they didn't ask us by the way, we found out the day before that 4 additional adults were coming round). Mil went sulky and didn't speak to me in my own house all weekend. So obviously things are quite frosty anyway. I was just annoyed as I thought they may want to spend a bit if time with GC.

Anyhoo so Xmas comes along, it was our 'turn' to spend Xmas with them (which I was slightly dreading) but when we asked them what their plans were they said 'we are going to SILs, what are you doing?' Absolutely no thought of spending time with us. Eventually a couple of weeks later SIL invited us but by then I arranged for my family to come round and there wouldn't 't have been any room at SILs for us anyway and we all seemed quite happy with plan.

Anyway (I hope your still with me) on Xmas day we facetime'd SIL (PILL had forgotten their ipad) and chatted to everyone but MIL didn't come to screen and say hello, benefit of the doubt she was probably busy I know. Then we tried face timing again over the next few days, they never rang us back. Eventually facetime'd again on Sunday but MIL had been out the night before and was unable to speak to us. So we haven't even spoken to her over Xmas.

I am so tempted to send her a passive aggressive text with pictures of the children over Xmas saying 'hope she had a lovely Xmas, we had a great time, it's a shame we weren't able to catch up properly over the Xmas period but thank you so much for the toys the children loved them. Hope you have a great new year'.

I just really want to highlight it to her and make it clear it's not really acceptable. They are such wonderful GPs to SILS children (they are having them overnight tonight) but she can't even be arsed to say merry Xmas to my kids. Relations are quite strained anyway, maybe I'll regret it but I'm really at the stage of thinking it is her loss if she can't be bothered to put the effort in.

FIL is lovely by the way but (as with the whole of the ILs family) he does exactly what she demands to get the easy life - I think that is why she doesn't get on so well with us as we don't do this and my DH (her son) apparently never has.

Sorry very long.

eurochick Wed 31-Dec-14 09:52:32

I can't get over your rudeness when they came a considerable distance to look after your children while you went to a wedding, tbh. No wonder they are not falling over themselves to spend time with your family.

hesterton Wed 31-Dec-14 09:52:33

Stop trying to court her, she doesn't deserve it. Really, I would suggest backing off completely and let her do any running from now on.

Mostlyjustaluker Wed 31-Dec-14 09:55:50

I agree with euro that you are at fault. You seem to expect a lot from Pil but don't want to offer much in return.

Pancakeflipper Wed 31-Dec-14 09:55:52

Leave it. If anyone is to send a text/say anything it's your DP.

Spinaroo Wed 31-Dec-14 09:55:53

I wouldn't. I can see why you may wAnt to but I really wouldn't end one year/start the next with something you know is pointed. Accept she is less than doting. Tbh she just sounds a bit lazy- it's convenient for her to be the doting gran to her daughter's kids as she ( wasn't inconsiderate enought to move 4hrs drive awaywink. I think if the distance wasn't there you would find it was more equal.

Vevvie Wed 31-Dec-14 09:57:13

I can't say as I blame her after the stay at your house. Did you the favour of babysitting and you treated her like a child for wanting to have company. I wouldn't be a very happy MiL.

morethanpotatoprints Wed 31-Dec-14 09:58:13

I would be expecting dh to do the messaging as you say he isn't happy neither.
Its his mother after all.
She probably has a different relationship with your sil on account of being her mum.

DaisyFlowerChain Wed 31-Dec-14 09:58:34

I'd not be in a rush to spend time with you either if I had travelled hours to babysit and then you dictating what I can and can't do.

You sounds quite demanding and a lot of work.

Only1scoop Wed 31-Dec-14 09:58:38

Think you were a bit mean re their visitors when you were at wedding....

Regarding the text etc I wouldn't bother....I have similar situation and I know it can hurt but the text will make you feel petty.

DreamingDiva13 Wed 31-Dec-14 09:58:48

I don't see how the op was rude, the pil's should have checked before inviting people around to the house as it wasn't their house to entertain at-that's rude.

MrsWolowitz Wed 31-Dec-14 09:59:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen Wed 31-Dec-14 09:59:41

You sound quite prickly about her. If I were her, I'd probably prefer to keep my distance too.

HoggleHoggle Wed 31-Dec-14 09:59:47

I have a very similar situation, except we're actually the ones who live closer...

I think the text will make things so much worse so you need to decide to either just get on with things as they are and try to rise above it, or have an honest discussion about how you would so love for them to have a bond with your children. I think the childcare etc stuff shouldn't be mentioned as it can come across as entitled (though I see your point) but the main thing is that you would love for your children to have a strong relationship with your children. I'm sure they want this too. If they don't, then unfortunately there's really nothing else to be done.

Maybe ask what you can ALL do to make things better? Ie, should you visit them more as well as them coming to you? Just so it doesn't feel too confrontational, which is never the best way to start a tricky conversation?

happystory Wed 31-Dec-14 10:00:29

Much as I can see why you are tempted, I would leave it. It will change nothing and possibly lead to trouble. She hadn't actually done anything wrong this Christmas as far as I can see.

greeneggsandjam Wed 31-Dec-14 10:00:30

I don't agree with eurochick at all. You would hope they would want to spend time getting to know their grandchildren and not inviting friends over on a rare visit! I also wouldn't bother with the texting, she will no doubt use it against you somehow. Ignore her. You have tried your best to make contact and she is being awkward for whatever reason.

53Dragon Wed 31-Dec-14 10:00:54

NO NO NO - a thousand times no!!
Rise above it. My brother's family probably would've said the same about us. They moved house in the end - 25 mins away - and my parents immediately started to see them more and collect child from nursery etc.
Your in-laws are able to enjoy sil's children with ease - a 4-hour drive will inevitably mean that you see little of them and train fares are expensive.

Get your dp to call them and arrange a weekend with them i the New Year.

Backtobedlam Wed 31-Dec-14 10:02:01

I think you were being a bit mean when you kicked off about her having friends round when she was looking after your little one. maybe she was really proud and wanted her friends to meet her GC? It would have been very awkward for her to change plans made with other people. Maybe sil is more relaxed so she feels happier to go round there? I'd be reluctant to spend a lot of time somewhere where I felt I could easily do the wrong thing without even meaning to. Don't send a text, that will just make things more tense.

LondonRocks Wed 31-Dec-14 10:02:56

Er, you don't invite guests to a house you're babysitting at! confused

I'd ignore her sulkiness.

Fabulous46 Wed 31-Dec-14 10:02:58

You refused her the opportunity to see family when you were at a wedding? She was doing you a favour by babysitting your kids!! I'd have taken a huge step back from you as well, no way would I be dictated to especially if I'd travelled a long way to do someone a favour. You're at fault as far as I see it.

wallaby73 Wed 31-Dec-14 10:03:11

Face timing? Seriously? No way, don't care who it is, I'm not "face timing" anyone.......I'm not 14...��

greeneggsandjam Wed 31-Dec-14 10:03:34

Actually, if they arranged for family to come round on the day they were babysitting why was that a bad thing? Isn't that good?

ihatethecold Wed 31-Dec-14 10:03:59

Your MIL sounds spoilt.
I don't think it will help to text. Might make you feel better for 5 mins.

merrymouse Wed 31-Dec-14 10:04:48

Leave it - whether her behaviour is acceptable or unacceptable you can't change it.

Susiesue61 Wed 31-Dec-14 10:05:02

My own mother didn't ring my kids onChristmas Day as she was too busy with other people's children. You have to let it go! We are in a similar situation except it is my own sister who lives ear them while we are 200 miles away. She sees them every day but can't even ring mine!

If I stew about all those little things, I get really down. But I have to focus on the fact that my children love my parents and look forward to seeing them. Don't send the text, it will come back to haunt you.

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