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To want to get pregnant At 40 under the circumstances..

(78 Posts)
FlourishingMrs Tue 30-Dec-14 18:54:21

Been with DP 4 years I am divorced with two DC, youngest is 9. He has never married and no DC. He has always said he is not bothered, up until now I thought I was done. I have just stopped using hormonal contraception due to effects so was going to try persona and barriers methods which we discussec and agreed.

However he since I got off the hormones, he is not using the latex, withdrawing, anything at all. In fact he is wanting it twice daily for nearly a month now. The first two weeks I kept reminding him that it's risky we could conceive. He told me that he is university educated and knows how stuff works.

This has caused me to be even more broody as I know he would make a great dad because of how he is with mine.Based on this I don't think we have the discipline for persona so I should get a copper coil or get sterilised. He has refused a vasectomy. I think I want another baby,but he has not come out with the words that he wants one. He is not good with feelings, he is a practical kind of man, dinner, flowers, cups of tea affectionate but not words. Your thoughts please.

EatShitDerek Tue 30-Dec-14 18:55:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

formerbabe Tue 30-Dec-14 18:57:27

You really need to talk to each other about what you both want.

TheXxed Tue 30-Dec-14 18:58:04

'I kept reminding him that it's risky we could conceive. He told me that he is university educated and knows how stuff works'

Huh?

NoArmaniNoPunani Tue 30-Dec-14 18:58:07

I think he's telling you he wants a baby

AuntieStella Tue 30-Dec-14 18:58:10

This sounds all wrong.

You really do need a proper discussion on whether or not you (as a couple) want to bring another child into your family. It's not a chance thing to be left to miscommunications and what sounds like fob off lines from him.

ApocalypseThen Tue 30-Dec-14 18:58:40

Age isn't a problem but don't get pregnant till he agrees that as a couple, you want a baby.

opalstones Tue 30-Dec-14 19:00:21

Stop having sex with him until you have the conversation.

magpieginglebells Tue 30-Dec-14 19:00:32

Have you actually sat down and talked about this?

expatinscotland Tue 30-Dec-14 19:03:40

Have a talk! You're a couple.

calmexterior Tue 30-Dec-14 19:14:53

Ask him. If you're going to have a baby together you need to be able to talk about things like this.

newyearsresolutionsnotforme Tue 30-Dec-14 19:18:31

Why not just say, when he says he knows how these things work, 'Great so we're trying for a baby then'. Because if you're not using contraception and are fertile, you're ttc.

fluffymouse Tue 30-Dec-14 19:22:50

The problem here is you are assuming he wants to be a father. That is a dangerous assumption to make.

You need to discuss what you want, and use contraception unless you both want a child.

londonrach Tue 30-Dec-14 19:23:10

You ttc do you want a baby with him?

LadyLuck10 Tue 30-Dec-14 19:25:13

How are you living with him as a family, having a relationship with him yet can't have a simple conversation about this. You are making assumptions and asking strangers when you should be asking your dp.

Pagwatch Tue 30-Dec-14 19:28:51

How can you be contemplating having a child with a man when you communicate so poorly that you can't ask him if he wants a child.

How does that even happen?

After the 'I'm university educated ' bollocks, what did you say?
How did you not say 'so we are effectively trying for a baby then. Is that what you want?

asmallandnoisymonkey Tue 30-Dec-14 19:30:28

I actually laughed at the 'university educated'.

Have you seen some of the idiots with degrees nowadays?

Viviennemary Tue 30-Dec-14 19:35:04

I'd take it that he has no objection to a baby.

FrugalMcDougal Tue 30-Dec-14 19:36:11

Oh gosh that has actually made me laugh out loud!

Sorry OP but really, you can't possibly really be thinking of having a baby with someone you can't even have that conversation with.

You do realise you will have to actually discuss things after having a child or will you do that through mime and guesswork also?

Its what all the university educated folk are doing now.

zzzzz Tue 30-Dec-14 19:36:29

Just ask him.

FlourishingMrs Tue 30-Dec-14 19:45:51

Great comments there, yes the university thing annoyed me at first, then I felt I was being patronising. I just wanted to remind him of our new contraception method.

Yes we have discussed it, he says he would expect me to keep the baby if I got pregnant, he says that he would attend antenatal classes and help with night feeds. I believe him because he is very good with my two. We have been together 4 years so I consider our relationship to be solid.

Please don't laugh but when we are apart he will phone/text but won't use the words, I am missing you. When I get home he would have run me a bath, made dinner, sorted homework, nice lovely hug but no "I really missed you" took some getting used to.

HolyTerror Tue 30-Dec-14 19:46:29

Jesus, OP, unless I'm mistaken, there are two of you having sex here! Why on earth would you have twice-daily sex with someone you can't tell to put on a condom? Whether or not he wants a baby, and whether or not you do, you need to actually talk about it and, crucially, actually act on what you decide.

FlourishingMrs Tue 30-Dec-14 19:48:02

Great comments there, yes the university thing annoyed me at first, then I felt I was being patronising. I just wanted to remind him of our new contraception method.

Yes we have discussed it, he says he would expect me to keep the baby if I got pregnant, he says that he would attend antenatal classes and help with night feeds. I believe him because he is very good with my two. We have been together 4 years so I consider our relationship to be solid.

Please don't laugh but when we are apart he will phone/text but won't use the words, I am missing you. When I get home he would have run me a bath, made dinner, sorted homework, nice lovely hug but no "I really missed you" took some getting used to.

magpieginglebells Tue 30-Dec-14 19:48:34

Does he actually want a baby?

FlourishingMrs Tue 30-Dec-14 19:51:35

HolyTerror, thank you for your thoughts. It's not that I cannot ask him to wear one, I am the broody one, And he knows this. I am reminding him to be responsible if he really does not want to procreate.

I have suggested vasectomy etc he won't.Now I feel it's up to me to really decide what I want...

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