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AIBU?

to ignore sons absent father after 13 years

28 replies

jemima39 · 30/12/2014 14:20

my 13 year olds absent father has got in touch, called me all sorts of names (?) and tells me he is taking me to court as I'm evil for not letting me see his son, he has never been interested, never been involved, no support, no recognition of birthdays, christmas etc, I doubt he could tell me my sons full name or his date of birth to be honest. We were never in a relationship, I'm with a wonderful man who my son calls Dad, (he knows he is his stepdad) we have two more children and have a lovely stable home life. I dont think he has a leg to stand on, should I continue to ignore him?

OP posts:

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championnibbler · 30/12/2014 14:26

Call your solicitor.

RandomMess · 30/12/2014 14:28

Let him take you to court - he may have to request mediation with you first but I'm not sure.

You can insist on a contact centre IF your ds wants to meet with him. If he doesn't then the court will take your ds views into account anyway.

26Point2Miles · 30/12/2014 14:29

Read your other thread....he does this but doesn't follow it up. Just wait for the court papers to arrive. No point worrying til then, if he's serious this is what will happen

Does your ds want to meet his dad? Your current partner isn't his dad.

BuzzardBirdRoast · 30/12/2014 14:30

Second champion's suggestion and to add..ignore him. Similar fashion to how he has treated your son for the past thirteen years.

mommy2ash · 30/12/2014 14:31

at your sons age his wishes will be taken into account will he want to see his father?

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2014 14:38

Ignore him, let him take you to court. I expect they will want to know why he has not made an effort before, why after 13 years. Ask your ds if he wants to see him.

googoodolly · 30/12/2014 14:44

It's not completely upto you (assuming he wasn't abusive). What about your DS? Does he want to meet his dad?

Starlightbright1 · 30/12/2014 14:57

What does DS think about meeting his Dad.

It is a difficult age. I think your difficulty is that when Ds is older and may meet his dad ..His dad will say I tried to get in touch but your mother just ignored my messages.

The maintenance is irrelevamt really.

Unless there is a risk to your DS I do think you should at least give him the option. Or maybe go and meet Ex to talk about it.

Remember your DS has been with you.. He will not take to someone who constantly slags off his mum

jemima39 · 30/12/2014 15:14

no my sons doesnt want to see him, he's a stranger, he has no interest in meeting a 'dad' when he already has one

I asked him today, he said "God no" and laughed

OP posts:

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 30/12/2014 15:18

Just don't worry. You don't need to engage a solicitor unless he actually follows it through. At 13 your son's wishes will be taken into account so that's fine. Also, I dare say he will say you have kept him from his son but he won't have any evidence to back that up so meh.

fluffymouse · 30/12/2014 15:25

You have done the right thing to let your son know and give him a choice. For your son, you should let him know that he can see his father later if she chaanges his mind.

I seriously doubt a court would force visitation on a teenager who doesn't want it, so you have little to worry about.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2014 15:29

Well ignore him then, let him serve you with court papers. Somehow I don't think he will. The court will be very interested about where his whereabouts has been for the past 13 years, why did he not go to court earlier. Also your ds is 13 and can have his say in court and seeing 'dad'.

Chippednailvarnish · 30/12/2014 15:32

I've been the child in a similar situation. Ignore him and I would also refrain from mentioning it to your DS unless he does actually pursue the legal route. Hearing about my absent stranger Father's threats of making me visit him caused me no end of anxiety as a young teenager.

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/12/2014 16:39

26Point2Miles Actually a man who raises a child is the child's Dad. I have a biological father, he means absolutely nothing to me. You have to actually parent someone to be their Mum or Dad.

This guy sounds like an easily led sort, who occasionally allows his acquaintances to persuade him that he is being denied his son, which leads to one of these outbursts, which he'll view as 'trying' to see his child. And your son is 13, so I really wouldn't worry. He's left it a few years late to throw his weight around, a court would listen to your ds's preferences.

FlowerFairy2014 · 30/12/2014 17:38

The boy may want to meet his father in a year or two so just wait to see if court papers arrive - they probably will not and keep the contact details just ni case.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2014 17:53

ignore him

CassieBearRawr · 30/12/2014 18:01

Does your ds want to meet his dad? Your current partner isn't his dad.

Seriously? The child has a biological dad, and the dad who raised him. I know which one is really his Dad, and I bet the kid does too. It takes more than a bit of sperm to be a father.

Pyjamaramadrama · 30/12/2014 18:08

I'd ignore him and I also strongly disagree with the person who said that the stepdad isn't his dad. Family is about a lot more than what is essentially some sperm. A dad puts in the hours, the time and effort.

If he wants to go to court then he can, your ds has a right to be protected from some chances until he's old enough to protect himself.

Pyjamaramadrama · 30/12/2014 18:09

Some chancer.

Rebecca2014 · 30/12/2014 18:20

He is feeling guilty so a way to make himself feel better is to make you out to be the wicked mother who kept him away from his son.

I think it is very unlikely he will take you to court and even if he did, he wouldn't have an leg to stand on. Ignore.

Spero · 30/12/2014 18:20

At 13, it will be pretty much up to your son what he wants to do about this.

I would suggest to his dad that he needs to start by writing to his son. He is a stranger to him at the moment, he can't just dive into contact. You will vet any letters before passing them on to make sure he isn't saying anything inappropriate, such as being rude about you.

If he can keep up regular written communication, maybe your son might want to see him. Or maybe not.

GokTwo · 30/12/2014 18:23

Agree Gateorade. I think op was completely right to ask her DS though. She doesn't want a difficult situation when he is older and perhaps could feel as if he wishes he'd been given the choice.

My Dd's situation shares a few similarities with the DS here and she would totally agree that she does not see her biological dad as a parent at all. He shows absolutely no interest in her whatsoever and knows nothing about her life (his choice).
However, she did value the opportunity to meet him and make up her own mind.

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Aeroflotgirl · 30/12/2014 18:56

I would ignore him, tell ds that he can change his mind about seeing his 'dad' later. No ds dad is the one who raises him, puts in the time and effort for him, is there during the lows and the highs, is a constant, not the man who happened to come into a woman's vagina, that's the easy bit.

KingJoffreysHasABigWhiteBeard · 30/12/2014 19:09

I've been in a similar situation. Ex got back in touch with me after 10 years asking to meet with DS.

I ignored. Ex seemed to have rewritten history in his head, forgot a lot of his frightening behaviour and seemed totally unaware of what had previously gone on.

That was in September. I've heard nothing else since.

Spadequeen · 30/12/2014 19:16

260point2, sorry but you are talking out your arse. The ops dp is the child's dad, he may not be his biological dad, but he is raising him, he is there for him, he is the role model, not the twat who's just decided to make an appearance after 13 years.

If anyone dared to tell me that the man who has raised me since I was around 3 yrs old was not my dad, they'd soon realise their mistake.

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