To think this is a rude thing to have said to a guest?

[PalominoPony]

DH and I were staying at my PiL's over Christmas. I don't particularly get on with them (I have always had the impression that they rather disapprove of me as my family is not nearly as smart as theirs) but on the surface we have always rubbed along fine.

On Boxing Day, I came downstairs before dinner to join DH, PiL and SiLs in the sitting room. FiL was getting champagne for everyone and offered me a glass. I said no and he said something along the lines of, "Oh that's a shame but mind you, I think it's fair to say you did have one or two glasses yesterday". He said it in a sort of jokey way and the others sort of laughed awkwardly, but it was pretty awkward and it made me feel awful. I did have a few drinks on Christmas Day - maybe five glasses of champagne/wine or something - and I was tipsy but certainly not staggering around or anything - managed perfectly well helping with the cooking and looking after my DC and nieces and nephews and talking to various guests, etc.

I laughed it off and left the room but was really upset. AIBU to think it was a mean thing to say? We don't have a jokey relationship at all so I don't think it was just "banter" or anything. Or am I being overly sensitive?

[Iggly]

Yes you're being overly sensitive.....

[mickeyfartpants]

YABU. That is a fairly innocuous comment and nothing compared to the crap I endure at MIL's.

Happy new year :)

[EMS23]

Depends what you think he meant by it. It sounds fine to me but if he's having a dig because you were a nightmare drunk then it's a different story.

[PicaK]

Do you know I think he was just covering his own upset that he'd offered you something lovely and you rejected it. Didn't pick a great thing to say but you can kind of see he was reassuring himself that you were drinking yesterday and it wasn't a snub to him. Maybe. I don't think it was very rude - inlaws can say a lot lot worse.

[SpringBreaker]

you never will progress to the point of being able to have a jokey banter with him if you take offence so easily..

[DandyHighwayman]

Well the thing is, you are wary of them and not terribly fond of them, and thus search every interaction for nuance and layers of meaning.

My thoughts - brush it off as best you can, but bear in mind for future that your inlaws monitor your alcohol intake; that is information you can squirrel away.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Why didn't you say 'Oh, I didn't realise you were counting?'

Yes, very rude to say to a guest unless you're clearly joking.

[PalominoPony]

I sort of feel like he was being disapproving of the fact I had drunk as much as I did because I have often felt he disapproves of me drinking. For example, if I am sitting next to him at dinner and there is not much wine left in a bottle, he will fill up his own glass and maybe DH's but not mine.

Another example, he came into the drawing room before lunch on Boxing Day when there was just me and BiL and offered BiL some champagne and completely ignored me.

I think I was quite a nice drunk on Christmas Day - quite happy and helpful. Although I was in a slightly heated discussion with BiL about hunting (they are a big hunting family but I don't really approve) - but it certainly wasn't an argument at all.

[ILovePud]

Context is key so maybe it was rude but it doesn't sound too bad to me. I think you're giving this too much headspace if you're still smarting over something that happened on boxing day. I'd hope you can give him the benefit of the doubt and put it behind you.

[PalominoPony]

Chipping Yes that is EXACTLY what I wished I had said, but only thought of it later!

Dandy Yes there is probably some truth in that.

[weeblueberry]

Maybe she assumed you had a sore head because you'd had a few the day before? That's probably what I'd take from it tbh.

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Personally I think he was commenting on the amount you had drunk. Whether you let that bother you or not is up to you.

I get this a lot from friends who are a bit po faced about the amount I can put away.

I have started to realise I may not be as much fun as I think I am.

[lem73]

I don't think his comment was so bad. I get much worse from my in laws. However five glasses of anything would leave me the worse for wear so is it possible you were a little too tipsy on Christmas day? I would ask my husband if I were you.

[ajandjjmum]

But surely you're not a guest, you're family?

[TuttiFrutti]

YABU. Nothing wrong with what he said, he was just trying to make a joke rather awkwardly.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

Exit. I'm sure you are as much fun as you think you are. Maybe your friends are getting a bit old before their time?!

5 glasses over a whole day with at least one meal isn't a lot, not by any stretch of the imagination.

It sounds like he regularly ignores you or puts you down, what does your DH have to say about it?

[ExitPursuedByABear]

Actually - DD said I remind her of Michael Macintyre (sp?)

And 5 glasses wouldn't touch the sides here.

[Greyhound]

I think it was rather rude of him but he sounds somewhat rude and condescending from his general behaviour towards you.

[bakingaddict]

I know what you mean about there always being a subtext with IL's. Mine are a bit like that, they see themselves as middle class professionals while they view my family with a certain contempt because we are working class and a bit uncouth as they would say.

I happened to say that I wasn't that keen on Nigella's cooking and my MIL said was it because Nigella cooks for a class of people that i'm not used to cooking for . Snobbish people like that just like to show the distinctions between families whenever they get the opportunity. Like yourself we get along fine most of the time but I always have the feeling that I should know my place

[HoggleHoggle]

If you don't have a jokey, close relationship then tbh I would probably have taken the comment as a bit of a dig.

In terms of him repeatedly not offering you drink - and his comment - I can't figure out whether he's got an issue with you drinking in particular or whether he's horribly old school and isn't keen on women drinking at all. Does he fill up SIL's glass?

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

I actually do think it's a bit of a cutting remark and the fact he doesn't offer to top up your glass but does his own and your dh would really piss me off.

Did you speak to dh about it?

[BuzzardBirdRoast]

I actually think that was an unkind thing to say, infering that your drinking is a 'problem'. Do you think he thinks it is?

[PalominoPony]

Chipping DH said FiL was just trying to make conversation. But DH's family are incredibly close and he would only ever think the best of them.

Baking Wow! That's awful. I had a similar comment from MiL earlier this year: "We really admire what you've achieved and having come so far. You're right up there with us". Comments like that just make me feel they feel pretty superior to me and my family!

Hoggle - No, not a jokey relationship at all. He is very old school, inwardly I think a real snob, cares a lot about appearances and behaving in the right way, etc. Good question re what he does with SiL - I'll keep an eye out next time we are there!

Buzzard Yes I do but I don't really know why! I mean, I do drink and get a bit jolly but it's not like I am being argumentative, falling over, etc!

[HoggleHoggle]

You're right up there with us

[QTPie]

Swap them for my ILs who don't drink - do I don't get offered alcohol (maybe a glass on NYE - that I it). I do order it (with no conscience) if we are out at a nice restaurant though.

They may think that I drink unnecessarily (although they don't say anything, to be fair) - during my ONE or TWO glasses - but I don't let it bother me.