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AIBU, The battle of the disapproving mother in law

(61 Posts)
Taradeliah Mon 29-Dec-14 15:54:20

AIBU. I have been with my Fiance for a couple of years . To begin with his mother was lovely to me but when we started getting closer she started becoming more difficult. Last christmas I received a christmas present from her husband but not her. I was quite upset by this but she told my partner that it was just her family tradition and my gift had been allocated to her husband to buy. My partner bought this even though it was painfully obvious that this was not true.
When we announced our engagement she said ' Why are you bothering?' and then took DH for a long chat to try to talk him out of marrying me including factors such as she hates my father ( who she knows socially) and I am too old ( there is a moderate age gap). We have weathered this storm with several straight talking conversations between me and her and she has learnt to hold her tongue. However, she and her husband are millionaires but are refusing to contribute towards our wedding . My fiance was shocked when he asked them as they can easily afford it and he felt they would definately contribute. Now, I have no interest in their money and am happy for us and my parents to pick up the tab as is traditional. The issue I have is that MIL keeps offering my husband money to go on holiday by himself or other miscellanious things.
Their reason for not paying towards the wedding was that they could not afford it , which was a bit embarrassing as they have just spent the last four months traveling the world and own several London Properties. If they had said that were traditional and expected the brides family to pay or they did not think it their place to contribute then I would not have minded in the least . Its just that it feels like a deliberate snub. Before I am accused of being grabby its really not about the money its about still feeling as if I am no approved of.

Humansatnav Mon 29-Dec-14 15:56:19

Fuck 'em.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 29-Dec-14 15:59:36

It doesn't feel like a deliberate snub - it IS a deliberate snub.

This woman wishes you no happiness and is obviously trying to sabotage. Ignore her, don't see her as much as possible and hold your head high.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 29-Dec-14 16:00:17

And never, ever try to please her. Please yourself in all things.

Shakiraschristmasalbum Mon 29-Dec-14 16:01:14

Well clearly you are not approved of. If ou are going to marry your DP then you need to accept that and work with him to sort out how you two are going to deal with it. Make sure you are both singing from the Same hymn sheet
now or it will end in tears further down the line.

If they don't want to contribute to the wedding then so be it. I don't think any couple these days should be expecting contributions from anyone, bride or grooms family, and should just be grateful if an offer is made. It was pretty cheeky of your DP to ask. Have you considered paying for it yourselves?

CalleighDoodle Mon 29-Dec-14 16:02:32

She is neing awkward so her son might change his mind and not marry you for an easy life.

Humansatnav Mon 29-Dec-14 16:03:01

Honestly, been there, worn the tshirt ( smil, mil was am angel )
The day I stopped giving a shit was the best day of my life.
NOTHING you do cam ever be good enough for someone like that.

Pancakeflipper Mon 29-Dec-14 16:04:32

She does not want you to marry her son.
Your DP needs to speak to her about it or there's going to be continual attacks. And that's draining and puts a relationship under lots of pressure.

Hope your DP can address this

Taradeliah Mon 29-Dec-14 16:05:27

I was actually rather embarrassed when he did ask. However, he did so as he thought it was just a formality. We will be paying for it ourselves along with my father who insisted on contributing. I wasnt expecting them to pay but I hoping for their blessingand DP believes that their decision is based on their feelings about me. I also think it rather rich that they have conplained about the food choices, the top table and given a list of distant relatives they want present.

Coyoacan Mon 29-Dec-14 16:05:50

Well mothers are protective of their offspring, OP. And if they are millionaires with the risk of a gold-digger chasing their children it is even more probable that they would be like that. Also millionaires didn't get to be that way by being generous.

Don't mind his parents as long as he is not unduly moved by them, you are not marrying them.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 29-Dec-14 16:08:51

Obviously ignore any demands about the wedding - start as you mean to go on, either don't tell them anything or say bluntly 'we're paying for it so we will have the day and the guests we want'

Be Blunt. By the way, she's going to try and sour your day so be prepared.

Gen35 Mon 29-Dec-14 16:09:39

Yanbu but I say from experience, even with a dh that backs you, it's very good for you if you can find someway to process and let go the less important sleights as this is a game you can't win, and if you do constantly bend dh's ear about them, over time it'll make him feel conflicted so the wedding good training for learning to deal with them on your terms and to let go of angst...you have my sympathies, I'm sure my IL would love to have me out the picture!

Viviennemary Mon 29-Dec-14 16:13:51

I do see their concerns I'm afraid. Thinking they should pay for the wedding. That's up to the bride's parents traditionally. But just have as little to do with them as possible. You aren't going to win in this situation.

Taradeliah Mon 29-Dec-14 16:25:22

Vivienemary. As stated I DO NOT THINK THEY SHOULD PAY FOR THE WEDDING. It was my DP who asked for a contribution without my consent as he believed that they would be delighted to help . They are very generous to him normally and have continued to be so, deliberately leaving me out! Its not about the money its about her pretending that everything is fine now but continuing to snub me.

angelohsodelight Mon 29-Dec-14 16:27:26

Has your dh got siblings? What has mil funded re their weddings?

livingonaprayer1986 Mon 29-Dec-14 16:29:27

If you are paying for it then your mum in law has no right to complain about the wedding or say what guests are going. This is YOUR special day and will only do it once so have it your way. My mum in law paid nothing towards our wedding either and my dad passed away and my mum is not well off at all so me and hubby paid for it by ourselves.

I can kind of see it from your mum in laws view in that if she is rich maybe shes worried you are a gold digger? But she shouldn't be treating you like shite and she should give you a chance.

What about going for a coffee with her and try to have a heart to heart? Even if she doesnt pay towards wedding (which in my opinion is odd being shes a millionaire) maybe you can put things right with her and get her blessing if she realises how much you love her son.

Theoretician Mon 29-Dec-14 16:29:46

I have a vague notion that one day I will try to persuade DD (currently 4.5) to never get married. I'd like to give her what to me is a lot of money, and don't want to risk anyone else walking off with half of it. Any relationship can fail, so it really doesn't matter how nice the prospective partner is. The difference between living together and being married, if there is one, is not worth a potential cost measured in hundreds of thousands of pounds.

Viviennemary Mon 29-Dec-14 16:31:22

He's their son. If they want to be generous to him then they should be. You sound a bit entitled I'm afraid. You should try and look at this from their point of view. But you see one point of view and that's your own and that does usually spell trouble. They don't want him to marry you but it isn't up to them. The way forward is just to have as little to do with them as possible. No point in thinking you should be included. They don't want to include you. So ignore them.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter Mon 29-Dec-14 16:32:09

Seriously don't get a penny from them - do you really want your MIL calling the shots? Your money, your wedding - you can tell her to shove her lists - that's the best thing about not being beholden to anyone - if they don't like what you do they can get stuffed! grin

Oh and congratulations thanks

Bulbasaur Mon 29-Dec-14 16:41:11

Viviennemary Kindly work on your reading comprehension before tossing around words you don't understand such as "entitled". She didn't ask them to pay, DP did.

It isn't uncommon to have both parents contribute towards a wedding. My parents paid for ours, and they'll have nothing to do with FIL because he refused to help them out. It wasn't about the money it was about the snub. There's a bigger back story, but that's about the surface of it.

Don't try to please MIL. You never will. She'll either come around, or she won't. But don't waste time pandering to a difficult person.

I guess if you want a warm fuzzy story, DM's MIL didn't like her at first either. Now they get along great and DM calls her "mom".

YetAnotherGuy Mon 29-Dec-14 16:41:39

I sympathise with your predicament - can't be pleasant

The potential MIL doesn't want you as her DIL and so is trying to push you to react. Don't. You could have decades of resentment as a reward

It is possible that once you're married, she will have to accept the new situation and will be more pleasant - I've seen that happen with a relative of mine

Two questions?

1 Have you had to sign a prenup? (Another relative of mine had to - nice!)

2 Where does your future DH figure in all this?

DaisyFlowerChain Mon 29-Dec-14 16:42:13

Most parents are protective, where there is money involved even more so. By asking for money as adults you have just re-inforced why they should be cautious.

I'd always help DS but wouldn't fund a wedding for him. It's essentially just a party and there are far better things to throw money at.

fluffyraggies Mon 29-Dec-14 16:43:02

The issue I have is that MIL keeps offering my husband money to go on holiday by himself or other miscellanious things.

Right, well, the above can be easily sorted between you and DH. If you are really worried that he will accept gifts which continually leave you out then your issue is with him.

Accept that his mother doesn't approve of you marrying her son and just get on with your wedding. You wont get her blessing and you wont stop her trying to prise a wedge between you.

She doesn't like your father and she thinks the age gap is too big.

How big is the age gap? (Nosey).

Has your DF got brothers and sisters? Is she like this with them and their partners/spouses?

Taradeliah Mon 29-Dec-14 16:44:02

Thank you Bulbasaur. I do hope she does come around because I actually quite like her general character and she has some great qualities. I do hope we can be friends but I will try to stop pleasing her as its just making me feel inferior.

Taradeliah Mon 29-Dec-14 16:46:52

The age gap is seven years and he has a younger brother who is not married and two step sisters who are also not married. He is the eldest i'm afraid and she is devoted to him. I have asked DP to stop accepting gifts and he has done though it took al lot of arguing for him to see my side of things.

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