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AIBU?

to wish we never got these gifts...

43 replies

speedbird17 · 29/12/2014 11:04

I think probably IABU but every year we go to my IL's on Boxing Day or the day after and every single gift reeks of smoke and I have to air it out/wash it/clean it before DD can wear or play with it. This year MIL stored all the gifts in her bedroom until the day, she smokes in her bedroom and I felt physically sick at how much some of them smelt. All our clothes come straight off after we visit and into the wash, but it's just not fair on DD, DH or me (currently 20wks pg) to have to receive gifts that stink!

It's an ongoing issue as they 'kindly' stopped smoking in the living room when I was pg with DD, now 2.6, but I honestly don't think they understand that their whole house reeks and however many glade plug-ins you use it's vile.

I know I am being precious about this, but DH agrees with me but won't say anything more as 'it's their house and I don't want to upset them' which while I sympathise, it just means we aren't going to go round as it is just unacceptable to me.

There was a further issue whilst we were there on Saturday which I was made to feel bad about and just made my blood boil. BIL's bedroom is next to the living room with double glass doors through. He grows and smokes cannabis which I am vocally against especially with DD etc. half way through a film we all smelt it being smoked so I had to uproot DD and say 'got to go in other room now, we'll watch this later' obviously cue crying and everyone saying oh let her be... Sorry but I am not letting my 2yo sit in a room that stinks of drugs.

Aibu about this whole thing? Currently thinking of saying to them 'we're not coming round whilst there are drugs being smoked anywhere near the house, you can come round to ours but DD and I won't be coming over if that is going to happen'. Guess I just need someone to tell me I'm not being irrational and am totally ok to say this...

(Sorry it's so long!!!)

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marioluigi · 29/12/2014 11:06

I wouldn't set foot in anyone's house with my children if there were drugs being taken.
Might be just me though?

speedbird17 · 29/12/2014 11:06

Also fed up of airing gifts in my house for days and having to wash multiple times before use! As if I haven't got enough to do!!!

OP posts:

speedbird17 · 29/12/2014 11:07

marioluigi that's how I feel and that because they are family I'm meant to let it slide...

OP posts:

gamerchick · 29/12/2014 11:07

Just stop going it's obvious you're never going to be able to relax while you're there.

MinnieM1 · 29/12/2014 11:08

Why are you still letting your child go somewhere where drugs are being grown?!
As soon as I learned this I would never let her in that house again, and probably would have reported to the police
YABU for putting your child knowingly in that environment!!

speedbird17 · 29/12/2014 11:11

I have voiced that I wasn't happy and DH was told they had all gone. Turns out they had just been moved to a greenhouse at the end of the garden... Just feel so awkward as DH says he can't change his family and none of them drive so can't get here (I couldn't care less, but thinking he'll be going on his own from now on).

OP posts:

MinnieM1 · 29/12/2014 11:13

Sounds like you need to strap on a pair Speedbird your child is more important than them surely?
And public transport does exist

marioluigi · 29/12/2014 11:13

The presents are not the issue here. Listen to what you're telling us - jeeeez cigarette smoke is bad enough but THERE ARE DRUGS being taken in the house.
My bil occasionally smokes weed (once a year, festival kind of occasion). I have zero prob, his choice etc, but would I expose a small child to it? Over my dead body - I'm so angry for you and with you, OF COURSE you don't have to accept this.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 29/12/2014 11:14

Just stop going. And stop the dcs going.

FILs home is the same, though no weed growing / consuming. He does start on the whiskey at noon though.

I only visit him on his Birthday and on Boxing Day. DH goes up more frequently, but not by much. If he takes the dc he always visits first thing and gives notice so Fil can air the place out of smoke.

YANBU to not visit again, and to say the dcs wont be either.

CalleighDoodle · 29/12/2014 11:18

I wouldnt go purely due to cigarette amole, let alone the weed. You can invite to yours but the rule is no smoking in your house. Dont put the clothes on the children until they have been washed. Probably several times. Smokers are generally selfish. Theyll open A window to be generous thinking that actually makes a jot of difference, or even
Go outside but then come back in stinking.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 29/12/2014 11:21

Don't go again. They can visit you - there is public transport or your DH can go and collect them and drop them home after the visit.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 29/12/2014 11:23

As for the gifts, if they still smelled of smoke after a quick clean, I'd bin them.

LIZS · 29/12/2014 11:23

If you live in a smoking home it can be difficult to recognise the problem non-smokers find , in the same way as pet owners become accustomed to their odour. However the tolerance of drug smoking and growing (which was illegal last time I heard) would be deal breakers for me. Why would you want to expose your dc to this, either you or dh?

Littlef00t · 29/12/2014 11:25

Fags is one thing, but I would never tolerate being in a house where I can smell cannabis, let alone take children into that environment.

speedbird17 · 29/12/2014 11:27

I'm just so angry/sad at the whole situation because it puts me in such an awkward position and I hate to be seen as the one who is 'making a fuss' when in my eyes it's not a fuss it's just not ok, at all.

DH grew up in that house taking in second hand smoke, has no sense of smell and I'm terrified he'll have some nasty one day because of it, they seem to think it's the norm and that they've done us a massive favour not smoking in one room of the house since I was pg with DD. The BIL smoking weed inside is an altogether new thing and I think I am just so shocked, but even more so that he said he hadn't smoked any when it happened. Feel really sad and disappointed that they obviously don't care enough to put DD first :(

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specialsubject · 29/12/2014 11:32

time for some blunt talking.

'sorry, but as you know we find the smell of smoke really hard to take. As it is your house we're not asking you to stop there, but we can't visit.You are welcome to ours although we ask you not to smoke while you are here. We are also not prepared to bring our children somewhere that is full of illegal drugs'.

tricky with the presents, beyond stating the obvious 'they stink'. Minimise by a 'no adult presents' policy (just look at the waste shown on the 'present swap' threads on MN, makes me as sick as the stink of smoke) and for the kids, ask for items that can be left in a shed for a few weeks to air.

Fairenuff · 29/12/2014 11:34

It doesn't matter what they think OP, you are also entitled to your own opinion.

So tell them that you won't be taking your dd into that environment again. You dh can go on his own if he wants. And they can visit you but no smoking anything in your house.

marioluigi · 29/12/2014 11:38

Don't minimise the weed thing. I came home from a night out a while back and dps friends were over. I popped outside while dp was having a cigarette and one of them lit a joint. I wasn't having it at all, to not even ask if ok? To act as if I was the abnormal one? I'd have prob let it slide if he'd asked first, but I can't fucking stand the normalization people place on weed. it's fucking rank, costs a fortune, makes people dreadfully boring and stinks to high heaven - I loathe the stuff.
Once I'd said that he left pretty quickly. I sort of felt bad but actually, screw him, I'M not the one with the problem.

flipchart · 29/12/2014 11:40

About a month ago my friends elderly parents went to visit some of their family in Lancashire. The family they went to see are, to quote friends mum' a bit unruly' .there were various cousins with toddlers andfriendsin and out. In amongst this was a police raid. Friends mum said it was the most terrifying thing for her. Kids were crying for their parents, adults being cuffed and taken away and the elderly relatives were left in shock.
The family they went to see unbeknown to them grew their own canabis!

petalsandstars · 29/12/2014 11:47

I went to PIL for a day with DHL etc - MIL usually smokes indoors but goes outside when we're there as otherwise me and the dcs wouldn't visit. The whole house stinks of smoke from the rest of the time and all clothes/gifts are washed and everyone showered and hair washed as soon as we get home.

Jodie1982 · 29/12/2014 11:50

I had/have same prob with my ILs, a couple of times my DP has come back from visiting his parents with our daughter and she stank of smoke! I was fuming so stopped her going there for a while, DP told them why so they now air the house out before DD turns up. Also whenever we was given something for DD it stank of smoke, clothing and even toys so I'd bin them. Gross! I don't like it when DP goes there (they only live round corner) because he comes back absolutely stinking! DD very rarely visits because of it.

Jodie1982 · 29/12/2014 11:55

Also I don't even visit my own because my Bum of a brother smokes weed in the house, upstairs in bedroom but the smell drifts downstairs. I was visiting one day with my 4children and he lit up upstairs, I went mental my mum had a go at him but he didn't put it out! So I turned the air blue and left and haven't been back since. I grew up with drink n drugs around me and I'm definitely not putting my lil ones through it.

MrsN1984 · 29/12/2014 12:23

I could have written this post!!
I'm 35wks and one particular day over the festive period was spent in a house full of smokers
Apparently holding the cigarette out the door is sufficient when I was in the room!
I had to keep moving rooms as the smoke goes everywhere!
When we left, smoke was all I could smell in my hair & clothes.
Dreading DH wanting to take the baby round when he arrives.
The thought of someone holding my baby with their stinky hands & smoke riddled clothes makes me feel physically sick

samithesausage · 29/12/2014 12:34

Yanbu. My parents smoked and I hated smelling of smoke all the time. My mum had a 40-60 a day habit and I remember being on the floor to get air!
The drugs is the cherry on the cake and is a valid reason not to go. Drugs is drugs. You don't really want to normalise drugs around your child, so you are definately not being unreasonable.
I would say, don't put smokey clothes straight in the washing machine though. Soak them overnight in a washing powder solution (double the handwash guidelines to loosen the smoke/nicotine), then hand rinse, then put in the wash.

speedbird17 · 29/12/2014 13:07

Thanks everyone for making me feel like it's not me with the issue. Have spoken to my mum about it and going to have a chat to DH tonight and emphasise how welcome they are here any time (smoking only at end of garden as per house rules for guests) but DD and I shall not be going there and nor shall DS once he arrives whilst there are drugs anywhere near the house.

As you've all said, drugs are illegal and it is NOT ok, time for Speedbird to grow a backbone and not feel bad saying no!!

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