Advanced search think STBEMiL shouldnt ignore me (the mother of her gc).

(16 Posts)
CalleighDoodle Mon 29-Dec-14 10:01:43

I guess i know iabu but this does bother me enough to get flamed lol.

Me and the H are separated. He wants to go to counselling in the new year. His mother is someone who is used to everything being her way. She is quite difficult and ive caught her telling lies about me and more recently calling me while on the phone to my 3 yr old ds. She has also criticised me over lunch to my 4 yr old dd. the separation is because my H checked out of out marriage emotionally. So no affair or anything on my part!

Anyway, i probably have a screwed view as my own DM never didnt buy a present and a card for by bros ex after they split, and theyve been split 17 years, because she is the mother of her grandchild. So my MiL treating me like i dont exist (whoch tbf did start way before the separation) confuses me. I honestly just want to say well sod you. You cant acknowledge the mother of your grandchildren, you dont get to play happy families with MY children!

Ok. Got that off my chest. So i guess my actual question is how many of you peoples ex-MiLs still acknowledge your existence?

Happyringo Mon 29-Dec-14 10:05:49

My ex's family went from being perfectly nice and welcoming to zero contact overnight. I didn't mind really though. Wouldn't have dreamt of trying to reduce my DD's contact though, they're still her family, even if they're not mine!

Chasingsquirrels Mon 29-Dec-14 10:09:44

Also zero contact overnight (split instigated by ex), apart from the one time she called me instead of ex by mistake - then couldn't get off the phone quick enough.
It's been nearly 7 years, just recently I'll 'see' her when the dc's FaceTime and we exchange pleasantries.
Never any cards etc.

WooWooOwl Mon 29-Dec-14 10:10:10

She shouldn't be criticising you to your children, that is horrible of her and is completely separate from whether she should buy you presents and a card or not.

I don't think she's obliged to buy you presents, my ex mil never did and it never occurred to me to expect that she would, but I never felt ignored.

CalleighDoodle Mon 29-Dec-14 10:17:15

I am totally ignored but this was going on for a few years.

The FiL is a talented photographer and is always snappig away. One year me H FiL and dd and dd went to the lights. He was snapping away for the three hours we were walking along the sea front. When i looled at all the over 100 photos a few wks later the only one of me was just my hand that accidentally got into another shot. Thats pretty impressive to manage to ensure i wasnt in one photo Of us all walkig along together.

Im really not comfortable with the snidey remarks about me but H would never say a word.

purpleroses Mon 29-Dec-14 10:26:07

I got the other extreme - crying down the phone to me, saying her life was over if we split up hmm and blaming my ex for everything not entirely without reason

These days she just phones me up to slag off his new wife, which isn't really helpful either.

I'd just remain polite and pleasant to her and see if she gets any easier after a bit of time.

CalleighDoodle Mon 29-Dec-14 10:28:58

Thank you. And dear god id be changig my number purple That must be so stressful.

PhaedraIsMyName Mon 29-Dec-14 10:39:21

I'm still married but have almost no contact with inlaws. They are his family, not mine. If we separated or if he died I would not expect to see or hear from any of them again. My son is grown up now and it would be up to him. If he were a child I'd assume mil would have continued to see him occasionally same as always.

Letthemtalk Mon 29-Dec-14 11:03:44

My DM and i no longer have contact with dB's ex. Why should we? She is a nightmare, best thing db ever did was finally split up from her. Yes she is d nephew's mum, but that doesn't mean we need to have a relationship with her? She is not part of our family (thank God!)

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 29-Dec-14 11:32:33

I have regular contact with my ex in laws. They are nice people who adore their grandchild.

2rebecca Mon 29-Dec-14 12:33:14

My exMIL is still my children's grandmother but no longer any relative of mine. We have had no contact since we separated. My ex takes the kids to see his side of the family.
I find it odd that you expect a present from her when it sounds as though you don't like her and should be happy to not have to see her any more.

however Mon 29-Dec-14 12:37:58

I don't buy a gift or a card for my MIL. I'm still married to her son, we have 3 kids.

You don't like each other, why do you want to interact? The key here, is how she treats your kids.

FishWithABicycle Mon 29-Dec-14 15:06:17

I wouldn't expect a significant level of contact between ex-MIL and ex-DIL. If the marriage is over then I'd expect it to reduce to civil 3 sentence exchanges ("Hello are you well"/"Yes thank you and yourself"/"fine thank you, bye bye now") unless both the people involved actively want more.

My MIL's ex-DIL (BIL's ex) is trying to force more than this and it's uncomfortable for MIL as she really doesn't want to be overly warm to someone who has been so hurtful to her son. No problem being civil as required when they have to see each other, but it would be better if ex-DIL didn't expect exchange of cards and gifts.

None of which should stop there being plenty of contact between grandchildren and grandparents of course, who both have every right for their relationships to flourish. op saying "^you dont get to play happy families with MY children!^" is unbelievably childish vindictive and nasty - they are your ex's children too and you don't get to prevent him from facilitatic a relationship between his children and his parents.

His parents should be at least civil to you though.

2rebecca Mon 29-Dec-14 16:35:09

Are your parents exchanging gifts and pleasantries with your ex on a regular basis? If they have had little to do with each other then I wonder why you feel things should be different between you and his parents just because you are female?
Also agree that your ex is as much a parent as you are and using the children as bargaining tools to manipulate people isn't nice. Your ex doesn't have to be nice to your parents for them to get to see their grandkids and the same goes for your exe's parents and you.

timetoplay Mon 29-Dec-14 18:24:18

She shouldn't slag you off to you children but sounds like your Ex wouldn't stand up to her and stop her. Also sounds like he's an ex for a very good reason, tbh you should see MiL behaviour and ExH not nipping it in the bud or ever standing up to her to tell you not to bother with him again.

msgrinch Mon 29-Dec-14 18:41:40

yabu. "your" children are his children and her grandchildren. She is nothing to do with you, you don't need presents and pleasantries now you've separated with her son.

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