I found my way to Mumsnet via a discussion about a book and I do post here sporadically about books/gardening/pets but I have namechanged and I do need a kick up the bum but nice ones, if indeed such a thing is possible.
I'm 39 in April. I've got a bit of a difficult backstory which I won't go into now but essentially I was not "on the market" for a man for a long time, and when I was, I found meeting one who wasn't already attached was impossible!
It's hard to be too sad about that because I do have a full life in other ways but the absolute depression I feel today is over the likelihood I won't have a child.
It's very hard for anyone to empathise because friends with children generally would make jokey comments about 'you can have one of mine' and friends without are so through choice or perhaps a little younger than I am. I can't speak for anyone infertile and certainly I wouldn't be so insensitive as to draw parallels but it is there - the want to have a child coupled with the lack of ability or resources in my case.
The truth is, although I'll learn to live with it I am sure, it hurts a lot and people tend to assume it is an active choice which for some reason smarts even more.
At any rate, I had no one in real life to cry on so I've turned to here for some pull yourself together posts which Mumsnet does so well!
Happy new year to you all 
AIBU?
I'm just gutted, and I really want to talk
cherrycrushcake · 29/12/2014 09:56
Well yes, pull yourself together is likely advice, but personally I think you should allow yourself the time and space to 'grieve' if that's the right word, and to feel and experience and assess all the emotions you are feeling. It's not an easy path and you have every right to want to talk about it.
Don't give up, it's not too late. My Dp's mum was 40 when she has him and he turned out ok 
. I would advise firstly to get yourself happy (easier said than done I know) and secondly get on the internet (Guardian Soulmates etc NOT mumsnet! 
)
Yes, it's not too late. YANBU for feeling sad about it though.
I'm slightly older than you, have no DC through choice and I am getting waves of sadness about it because it feels final now. I wonder if my hormones are staging a last ditch attempt to make me reproduce before I really am too old! I often think how incredibly sad it must be to desperately want DC and not have them.
The only kick up the bum you need is encouragement to do anything you can to help yourself. Think hard about what the best option is for you , and pursue it. Don't give up yet.
Good luck
Ah thank you Muppets
itsbloodyfreezing (it is!) I have tried dating sites pretty much throughout my late twenties and thirties to sadly no avail. I am in fact still a member of the Guardian but get little if any interest - females seem to outnumber males on there.
Emma and bluegill - thank you. Without wanting to go too much into my backstory (mainly for fear it would make me immediately identifiable) I am very cautious about this because some time ago now my grief for not having a family or stability spilled into foolishly deciding to have a baby alone in the manner you describe. I 'came to my senses' as it were and decided to terminate the pregnancy at 8 weeks.
That all sounds rather dismissive and as if I disapprove of women trying to have children alone, which of course I do not. However, it is safe to say that this was a decision borne not so much out of a desire to have a child but a desire to have love and acceptance (as I saw it.)
As a result, the promise I made to myself/my unborn child was to never do that again as in all honesty the sense of isolation and gut wrenching terror I had in the early stages of pregnancy is something that haunts me even now.
So I have come to accept - but not love - the fact that in all probability I will be childless.
Some posts came along as I was typing. I have to at the mention of the Guardian! Sadly this has not proved fruitful for me in finding someone of the opposite sex to spend my life with.
I sincerely hope I shall be one of the cases who falls in love and has a child just before the cut off point as it were but time is indeed not really on my side.
I think you need to decide what you want a baby or a family. I must admit it sounds like a family due to the termination.
I spent many years desperate for a baby and wish I'd gone it alone. I waited for dp but then suffered age related infertility - low reserve at 36 
I finally conceived ds at 39 after mc.you may conceive later if you meet someone soon it choose to adopt when a dp comes along.
Must admit my initial response was go it alone and my mind boggles a bit at the termination if you're mind still wants a baby.
Have you had counciling?
It may help?
It's a very hard time of year - I remember all those depressing child free Christmas in my 30's I think I cried every time I was alone.
Thank you Lotta
Andcake - I'm unsure which part of my post made your "mind boggle" but I do understand that not everyone will understand which is largely why it is something I do not speak of. However, it is relevant here.
In short, a long time ago, I was desperate for a baby. Absolutely desperate. I believed myself to be unloveable, to be ugly, to be undeserving of love and a baby - well, a baby would simply have to give me all of those things because I would be it's mother.
That was my perspective.
Fear and dread kicked in when pregnancy didn't open my sense of smell as some pregnant women state but it certainly sharpened my senses and I was able to see objectively as it were that I had been a fool, to put it mildly.
Like many women, who have terminated pregnancies, I did so because the time was not right and the reasons were not right and nothing was right.
I hope your mind is no longer "boggling."
I won't tell you to pull yourself together because I think you have some perfectly valid reasons for feeling upset
I think you have two choices. You can focus on coming to terms with your situation as it is, resolving to enjoy the advantages of being single and child free (freedom, travel, more disposable income, time for friends and hobbies etc.) and investing your time and energy in the areas of your life that you are happy with.
Or you can focus on changing your situation, if that's what you want to do. 39 is not old by any means and there are potentially ways to meet a partner and/or have a family at this age if this is what you want. I think it's fair to say it's easier to meet someone organically (through friends or just by getting chatting to someone at the pub for example) when you're in your twenties. Most of my friends who've met their partners later in life have done so through things like evening classes, online dating, volunteering, blind dates set up by friends etc. These things can be nerve-racking and seem like a massive effort at times but may well prove to be worth it.
I have a single friend in his forties who recently adopted a child. It hasn't been an easy process and definitely not a decision to be taken lightly but he is certainly glad he decided to take the leap and he and his DS are very happy together. It may not be how you envisioned having a family but it is an option.
Adoption is a little too close to home due to my job so isn't a route I will be exploring.
It is possibly a little difficult to understand from the outside why someone who is fertile doesn't wish to go down the route of adoption or having a baby alone, but being pregnant, alone, terrified and ill is an experience that haunts me still. I recognise other women can do a stirling job but clearly I lack their emotional strength as it made me severely depressed (not something I had suffered from previously) and fear was the thing that haunted me from going to sleep to waking up.
I may not want a baby in my circumstances as they are now - this doesn't mean I don't feel real sadness over how things have in fact turned out.
I wish you all well
Cherry I totally understand. My sister also had a termination - not the right time, not the right man.
Have you read any Pema Chodron? She's a Buddhist nun who's written some wonderful books about coming to terms with your situation and finding peace. I think some of the titles are Start Where You Are, The Places That Scare You and Heart Advice for Difficult Times. Have a look, I think they'd be really good to read at this time.
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I'm sorry that you're feeling so fed up about your situation. You do still have time. I have friend who in the space of 2 years, met a man, they bought a house together, got married and she recently gave birth to a beautiful little girl, and she's 43. Don't lose hope just yet. I wish you a happy 2015. Do come back and let us know how you're getting on 
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