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To be a bit sick of dp's sensitivity when it comes to his kids?

(77 Posts)
BlanketBan Mon 29-Dec-14 06:16:14

The topic of dp's kids is a dangerous minefield that I could well explode myself in with the most innocent of comments. I'm finding it so tiring, it's like he waits for an excuse to jump to his kids defence whether they need it or not.

Some examples ...

Me "what's that thing you've bought on ebay for?"
Him "it's for my DS! Oh sorry I forgot I needed permission to spend anything on my lads!!"
Me "err no, I just wondered because we normally tell each other about stuff we've bought"
Him "oh Jesus! What a bastard I am!! I never realised you were with such a twat!!" [ok let's drop it eh!]

"That unused tv that is sat in dss's room (MY old tv! that nobody is currently using!) I'm going to swap it with ds's little tv so he has a bigger tv for his new xbox"
Him "oh for fucks sake!! Why does everything involve poaching off my kids??"
Me " it doesn't, it's not their tv, it has simply being put in their room and is unused, doesn't even have a plug in there!"
Him "non you can't just keep taking off my kids! I won't allow it! It's not fair!"
Me "it's an unused TV!!! It was never theirs to begin with and they don't want it anyway! Don't be ridiculous"
Him "no it's just shitting on my kids yet again!"

Him "we need candles"
Me "what for?" (Bearing in mind this was Boxing Day band we have a few christmas candles around, I assumed he meant yo replace one of these
Him "oh my god!!! What for!!?? Errr my sons birthday!!! Jesus, what for indeed!"
Me "you're going to sit and make a 19 year old man blow out candles? I assumed to meant christmas candles!"
Him "oh my poor lads! No wonder I need to protect them all the time, someone has to! What candles for fucks sake, only the poor lads birthday!"

Is it me?? It's fucking exhausting.

DropYourSword Mon 29-Dec-14 06:20:08

This sounds way more about your relationship, and way less about the kids. Kids seem to be an excuse.

antimatter Mon 29-Dec-14 06:24:53

I think you both are giving each other equally rude replies.

You quoted his which are showing him in a bad light.
However yours you're going to sit and make a 19 year old man blow out candles? is also out of order - why can't his son have candles on his B'day cake????
My 17 yo dd had on hers and I can't see anything wrong with carrying on this tradition.

Allice Mon 29-Dec-14 06:25:00

No, it's him, he's a complete dickhead.

Fabulassie Mon 29-Dec-14 06:25:18

It does sound exhausting. It also sounds like there's a history of you being jealous of his kids or not liking them or something. You need to clear the air and talk about it. But if he's convinced you don't like them, you may never get past it.

Inthedarkaboutfashion Mon 29-Dec-14 06:29:39

He sounds a total asshole.
If he is like this all the time then he definitely has no respect for you and you need to get rid.
Ignore antimatter. I don't think any of your replies were rude and I wouldn't put candles on a Cake for a 19 year old either.

needaholidaynow Mon 29-Dec-14 06:56:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunar1 Mon 29-Dec-14 06:58:27

How long has he been like this?

reallystuckonthisone Mon 29-Dec-14 06:59:45

Nope he sounds like a bloody nightmare. I couldn't cope with that.

BeakyMinder Mon 29-Dec-14 07:07:45

You have a choice here:

1. continue to blame him, seeking backup from strangers on the Internet who know nothing about either of you, and watch your relationship disappear down the pan. Which you will also no doubt blame on him.

2. accept that it takes two to tango and start talking, which includes listening. He is clearly upset about something, can't you swallow your pride and try to find out more? What is there to lose?

Mehitabel6 Mon 29-Dec-14 07:17:15

I would say that he isn't ready for another relationship- I would think seriously about whether you want to continue. You both seem pretty snappy on the subject of his children.

CaptainAnkles Mon 29-Dec-14 07:17:32

Nope, couldn't put up with that. It's not sensitivity about the subject, it's fucking rudeness and jumping down your throat every time they are mentioned shows that he must feel very very guilty about letting them down or not being there enough or something. I can't see any other reason for him to be such a drama queen about it.

WannaBe Mon 29-Dec-14 07:18:59

Clearly there is more to this, would be interested to hear his side

maddening Mon 29-Dec-14 07:31:25

How long have you been together?

paperlace Mon 29-Dec-14 07:33:56

How can posters say he's a dick going on this one OP?

I too would like to hear his side.

It sounds like at worst he genuinely feels like you sideline his sons and has become extremely sensitive towards it and feels he has to defend them, and at best he's not ready to have a relationship as he feels intense guilt about splitting from their mother/changing their lives.

Talk to him, be truthful about your own actions, feelings and thoughts. Can you salvage this? Meet each other half way? If not let each other go so you and the kids can all be happier.

gobbynorthernbird Mon 29-Dec-14 07:42:27

Have you posted about this before, OP?

CakeAndWineAreAFoodGroup Mon 29-Dec-14 07:48:46

This does sound familiar.

MammaTJ Mon 29-Dec-14 07:49:04

Only when a wicked step mother comes on and talks about a situation with her DP/DH and his children do MNers all cry 'We need to hear the other side/there is more to this'.

Crazy friends, MIL situations, talk of cheating/abusive OHs are all taken as true on the OPs say so!

Never in the case of wicked step mothers!

TooMuchCantBreathe Mon 29-Dec-14 07:51:27

19yo get candles.

It sounds like there's more to it to me too. I agree you both need to talk about it, he obviously feels there's a problem so it needs discussing and you need to hear the answers - which may mean you realising your actions are or have been wrong. Obviously it could also be him but there isn't enough information without his side to say that.

paperlace Mon 29-Dec-14 07:51:36

I think it's you that has an agenda or 'wicked stepmother' complex here, Mamma! I don't think OP is a wicked stepmother. I think step families are very very delicate and difficult and unfortunately some people involved, often kids, are not happy despite all protestations and sweepings under the carpet. I urged OP to be honest about her feelings and actions and to really talk to her dh and talk all this trough.

Backinthering Mon 29-Dec-14 07:52:13

Yes poor OP. This will not go well for you. On MN you're the automatic baddie.
Daresay it's only a matter of time before someone asks if you were the OW.

riverboat1 Mon 29-Dec-14 07:53:12

I think it's extremely common for a parent to be very defensive of their kids to a stepparent.

Both parties need to be really objective about their behaviour and reactions, which can be hard.

I noticed that DP would get defensive in the face of any even slightly negative comment I made about DSS. I made an effort to speak out not only to address problem behaviour but also to praise good stuff and point out to DP how much I appreciated DSS's various lovely qualities. It has definitely helped overall - that could be one strategy for you to try.

Even so DP occasionally gets slightly defensive over minor things but since he is nowhere near your DH's ridiculousness above it isnt really an issue. Really, the examples you posted above would drive me absolutely mad. I'd have to disengage and walk away.

TooMuchCantBreathe Mon 29-Dec-14 07:53:24

Mamma, I've seen plenty of responses on threads like you mention of "talk" "could they be thinking. ...." "you are being oversensitive" and so on.

pictish Mon 29-Dec-14 08:02:07

No it's not you. Sounds like hard bloody work!

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn Mon 29-Dec-14 08:05:34

No, it's not you it's both of you.

I would also like to hear the other side.

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