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To ask my DD to split money from Grannie with DS

(31 Posts)
JaceLancs Sun 28-Dec-14 23:56:33

My ex MIL sent card and cheque to DD, but nothing has arrived for DS
It could have been lost in post, however she also has some dementia and frequently presents get mislaid/forgotten/sent on wrong dates etc
I am not in touch with her personally, and would not want to hurt her feelings anyway
DS could ask exh to intervene but doesn't like to, and has said he will settle for nothing.
I think this is unfair and they should share it
If another cheque or present arrives at some point then they could split that, depending on what it is

MrsTawdry Sun 28-Dec-14 23:57:49

How old are DC? How much money is it?

MuttonCadet Sun 28-Dec-14 23:58:26

How much are you talking? If it's not a big amount I'd be inclined to leave it and mention to confusedexDP

manicinsomniac Sun 28-Dec-14 23:58:50

I wouldn't force her to share but I would be very upset if she didn't offer to/insist on doing so off her own bat. How old is she?

needaholidaynow Sun 28-Dec-14 23:59:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frogme Mon 29-Dec-14 00:01:24

I think that is a good plan. I'd be upset if my child didn't think that was a good idea too

itiswhatitiswhatitis Mon 29-Dec-14 00:03:27

yes I would insist it was shared and say that should any further cheques arrive that too will be shared

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange Mon 29-Dec-14 00:19:29

I really don't think you should cash the cheque at all. I think a lady with dementia does not know what she is doing.

My nan has dementia and apart from cards I would never take moniarty gifts from her, as she would forget and think she has been robbed.

Theas18 Mon 29-Dec-14 00:31:35

If it's up to £10-20 I'd match it with the same for dS and just not even refer to it.

If it's more like £50-100 not cashing it seems the right thing.

I can't think of an amount that sharing it would enter my head ..

Theboodythatrocked Mon 29-Dec-14 00:35:00

How sad this lady has dementure.

What help does she need/you give her?

Personally I wouldn't dream of taking money from someone with dementure as they are incapable of judgment.

Who helps her? Who is making sure she isn't being taken advantage of?

Dancingincircles Mon 29-Dec-14 00:36:40

I wouldn't cash the cheque if she has dementia and I would probably take my DCs to go and visit her more often if her dementia is getting worse as she clearly wants to keep in touch with her grandchildren.

mrsfuzzy Mon 29-Dec-14 00:37:10

i agree with piper on the one hand, but i wouldn't split the money, as it could cause resentment, what are the ages of the dc and the amount? for the long short if is is a smallish amount would it be possible to give you ds the same amount ? but he sounds quite mature to to be too bothered about it any way, so good for him.

Dancingincircles Mon 29-Dec-14 00:37:42

But I guess your exdh is doing that so no idea why I thought to mention it, sorry blush

itiswhatitiswhatitis Mon 29-Dec-14 00:39:40

I hardly think a Christmas card with a cheque in it too grandchildren warrants suggesting that this woman is being ripped off. People with dementia don't lose all capacity overnight and are still capable of wanting to send their grandchildren gifts in the early/moderate stages.

Floggingmolly Mon 29-Dec-14 00:42:49

How exactly do you propose that your ex "intervene"???

attheendoftheday Mon 29-Dec-14 08:21:27

Dementia is not an all or nothing thing, people can have it to a greater or lesser extent. You certainly don't loose capacity to decide to send a cheque to your grandchildren on diagnosis!

I think it's fine to cash the cheque, and splitting seems a good idea.

LePetitMarseillais Mon 29-Dec-14 08:24:52

Split without a doubt,had similar situations.

She may have intended that anyway but forgot to make it clear.

Flangeshrub Mon 29-Dec-14 08:46:43

How patronising! Just because someone has a dementia diagnosis it doesn't mean they do not have capacity to make decisions about their finances. It can take 5 years plus before they need someone to make financial decisions on their behalf. The clients I work with would be devastated if their Christmas present wasn't cashed because of fears they didn't know what they were doing.

Split it.

waithorse Mon 29-Dec-14 08:50:10

What Flange said, exactly that. Poor lady isn't allowed to send dgc a Christmas present because she has dementia. confused

LizzieMint Mon 29-Dec-14 08:53:37

One of my relatives always sends money to my children but often forgets the last birthday in the year, which happens to be my DSs. It's a few days after my DDs, and she usually gets a £20 note in a card so if one doesn't arrive for DS, I just pretend it has and give him £20 myself. How much was the cheque for? Can you just match it yourself?

MrsMaker83 Mon 29-Dec-14 08:55:39

Why are people diving in head first suggesting not accepting the money?

I have a relative with dementia and she is capable of sending xmas presents. Unless it was a ridiculous amount (which i imagine the op would have already mentioned if so) i really don't understand why people are commenting about this?

The OP is asking for advice re splitting money, not remarks about whether the person none of you actually know is capable of making decisions about sending gifts.

Op - i would encourage the children to share, its the kindest and fairest way.smile

Olivo Mon 29-Dec-14 08:56:03

I have the same thing from an aunt who often forgets one birthday that is just after the other. We either split the amount or add it into the Other bank account ourselves.

skylark2 Mon 29-Dec-14 08:56:10

Wouldn't she have put them in the same envelope if she'd sent to both?

Is DD older? My suspicion would be that the dementia is at work here and she either meant to write both cheques and forgot or has forgotten her second GC sad

YonicSleighdriver Mon 29-Dec-14 08:56:56

"How sad this lady has dementure.

What help does she need/you give her? "

She is the mother of OP's ex-p. OP is not in touch with her. It is ex-p's responsibility to take his children to see his mother

Agree to split it or maybe use the money to buy something they'd both like (a board game?)

Olivo Mon 29-Dec-14 08:57:02

Oh, and this year Dc1 was delighted, when, having offered to share, a second cheque arrived for Dc2 smile

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