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To be selfish and uproot my children

(16 Posts)
Celestria Sun 28-Dec-14 21:45:51

And move away from my home town.

I'm going to sum things up as short as I can, if not this would be a huge thread.

Reasons for wanting to leave:

1. No longer speak with half my family. Reason for that is some members I was very close to decided to befriend my abuser and basically betrayed me. He is now an active part of their lives.

2. Problems with the children's father. Recently my middle daughter told me she had been raped. Whilst out with her father at weekends when I was working. Case is ongoing. This was the final straw in many things that have happened whilst in their fathers care ranging from broken arm, damage and subsequent removal of four year old ds front tooth. Chipped front adult tooth of eldest dd. Driving them without seat belts, allowing all four children to play in a loft that isn't floored with planks between beams. Telling them to keep secrets from me. My girls telling me they are scared of their fathers temper. And most recently, my 9 year old dd saying she doesn't want to sleep in daddies bed anymore because she is uncomfortable with the fact he sleeps naked. Every time.

3. Recent fall out with my best friend of four years resulting in her slapping me twice, throwing me out of her house and banning me from seeing her child that I am also very close too. Row was over an engineer that came to the house after the carbon monoxide monitor alarm went off and was rude to me. We'd both had a bit to drink and I wasn't impressed and was rude back. Decided to call it a night and best friend flipped, saying if I was leaving I could get out of her house, accused me of stealing money from her and basically treated me like dirt. For what it's worth, I've never stolen in my life and have done loads for that girl, financially and emotionally.

4. Terrible memories up here, from my brother and best friends suicides to not feeling comfortable walking around the tiny High street wondering who I am going to bump into next.

5. Lack of opportunities, lack of opportunities for the children.

6. I'm plain miserable and despite counselling and antidepressants, I hate living in this town and want to move back down to be with my brother in England.

I've wanted to move for about four years but wouldn't do it because the kids and I are close to my mum and they have family here. They love their dad and moving away would mean seeing him a lot less. I feel trapped. The last couple of years have been horrific with the things above, cancer scares, nervous breakdowns, homelessness, three house moves as a result. I just want a normal, quiet, regular, drama free life with my children.


Bowchickawowow Sun 28-Dec-14 21:49:35

In your circumstances I can completely understand why you want a fresh start for you all.
The only thing I would day is to not build up your expectations too much in the sense that once you move everything will be fine - recognise that you will still need support, possibly counselling etc - and treat it as a big step in a longer term plan.

Mammanat222 Sun 28-Dec-14 21:51:13


I think you need to do what is best for you and your kids.....

GilbertBlytheWouldGiftIt Sun 28-Dec-14 21:53:10

Sounds awful, I think you would be making a good decision to move.

furcoatbigknickers Sun 28-Dec-14 21:53:52

Yes move. You arenot being selfish.

Poppet1974 Sun 28-Dec-14 21:55:34

New Year = Fresh Start, Do it!!
The situation with your children and their father needs addressing immediately!
You've nothing to lose by the sound
Of it!

theeternalstudent Sun 28-Dec-14 21:57:04

OMG you have so much going on. I can't tell you if moving is going to be a good thing for you or your children. You may just find that you are taking your troubles with you.

However, you need to make sure your children do not stay with their father anymore. The comment from your daughter about staying in her fathers bed is chilling. Does he have court ordered contact? You really need to make sure that he isn't seeing them without supervision. Have social services been involved?

You say that you and your children are close to your mum. Do not underestimate the benefit of a supporting family. If you move beside your brother you just may feel more isolated. What ages are your children? How are they getting on at school? and friends? Would they find being uprooted and another move a difficult thing? Some children cope fine with the upheaval, for others they find it difficult to settle in new schools and make new friends. Other problem is that if you move away what will happen with contact with their father? Will they have to go and stay with him for extended periods of time? That is a worrying thought.

I understand why you feel a move would be a good thing, but perhaps you could see it as a period of stability where you can try and resolve some of those issues that you have going on and to help your DD deal with the rape. You also really need to deal with the contact issue with their father.

Do you have some real life help out there?

RandomMess Sun 28-Dec-14 21:58:09

I want to say do it but will your ex get a prohibitive steps order to stop you moving away?

Celestria Sun 28-Dec-14 21:59:13

I just can't bear another year like the last two. I only moved back up here because I wanted the kids to have a big family.

I'm away from the place I live at the moment in another city and I love it. Love the anonymity. No looking over my shoulder. No wondering if I will be walking down the high street one day only to walk into my family and my abuser doing some shopping or something.

I just want to start over. Not run away, I know it doesn't work that way. But be able to start moving forward properly which I feel I can't do where I am now. I am now in a council property which opens up the opportunity to exchange.

fifi39 Sun 28-Dec-14 22:02:24

You need a medal girl. I doubt an actor from eastenders could put up with that for a hefty pay cheque- never mind a normal functioning human being.

I think you need a fresh start love. Don't think just by moving you will get it though- it sounds like you need to get yourself some support.

Celestria Sun 28-Dec-14 22:02:31

I'd never feel isolated with my brother near by. We have been through a horrendous childhood together and stuck by each other thick and thin. He's my one person I know will never ever hurt me or betray me the way I have been. He wants me down with him too.

This has been a very recent development with their father and the sleeping with no clothes on issue. I am waiting for the lead inspector dealing with my daughters case to get in touch and am going to discuss it all with her. There are child protection workers involved too due to the nature of the case and I just want to tell them absolutely everything and see what they advise I do.

SezaMcGregor Sun 28-Dec-14 22:03:52

I'd say do it. Better to do it now than to not do it and regret it and forever wonder what if.

If you're a lone parent, look on Gingerbread to find a local group to where you move to. I've found it a lot better now that I have a good group of single parents to rant with rather than just being a lone voice.

Good luck op

Celestria Sun 28-Dec-14 22:04:37

I don't know with my ex to be honest. He can try I suppose and maybe he would be successful.

RandomMess Sun 28-Dec-14 22:05:01

I'm a bit reckless at times tbh, I'd probably just move and face the consequences later one...

Celestria Sun 28-Dec-14 22:09:25

Way I see it random, the consequences can't actually be any worse than how things are now. The only possible thing that could be worse God forbid is actually losing one or all of my children. Anything else that could possibly devastate me has already happened and I'm still standing.

I've just reached a point where I can't keep living a life the way other people want me too. It's killing me. Literally. Something in me just died when my middle dd told me what had happened to her. I always said I could handle my own abuse as long as I knew it would never happen to my girls. No matter the mistakes I've made as a mother I've always told myself at least they are safe, happy and healthy. Might not have the best of everything but they have my love and my protection. Except that didn't stop my dd being raped. I just want to scoop them all up and move away to my brother where I know they and I will be together and safe.

Their father can take a running jump.

RandomMess Sun 28-Dec-14 22:14:09

Well I've just moved my family 250 miles to live near my best friend so I'm kind of with you doing what you "need" to do to survive.

I'd do it furtively though so your ex doesn't have a chance to get an order before you've gone wink

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