Really upset but not sure if AIBU???(148 Posts)
Think I may be, hence the namechange for this as I am unsure and embarrassed but really quite hurt.
Friend was supposed to be coming to my place for New Year's Eve, where we would then go to see another couple of friends of mine for a small gathering. Nibbles, wine and watching fireworks from Primrose Hill in London which has a good view.
Friend who was supposed to be coming down now has hooked up with a man. She's known him for ages but now is starting a relationship with him. She wants to bring him to the small party on New Year's, and I just don't feel comfortable. I've never met him, would like to in future, but don't really fancy him staying in my house right now. I've been quite unwell for the last couple of months and just want familiar faces staying in my flat, plus was looking forward to the catch up with my friend which won't be the same if there's a guy with us too.
I've said I understand if she wants to spend the time with him, but would rather it's just people I know in my house at this time, so we can catch up another time. I'm exhausted, I look like shit and don't want to entertain somebody I don't know. I'm sure he is lovely but that's how I feel. I would love to meet him some other time, genuinely hope he makes my friend happy but just feel we had plans already.
She has picked him and I'm hurt. I understand she wants the excitement of a new relationship, I really get that. And I understand it's her choice who she spends her time with of course. But while I understand that I would like to make it clear that I'm hurt by her choice - how should I do that?
I'm so depressed and emotional that maybe I'm just reading this all wrong and it was my fault to say essentially he was not welcome.
What do I do? What do I say?
How do I look at this differently so I am not BU?
You took the chance when you gave her the ultimatum. So you can't really blame her for your consequential feelings. Go ahead with your gathering and enjoy.
I'm just not sure you can. I think you have to suck it up. You have other friends, you aren't being left alone - and your friend spends NYE with her new boyfriend. Enjoy your evening, and let her enjoy hers without anyone feeling guilty.
Go ahead with your plans. Ultimatums in friendships are tricky....
Don't let it spoil your celebrations
YABU, I'm afraid. You can't expect someone to ditch their boyfriend on New Year's Eve because you will only party with people you know.
When you tell people to make a choice, they won't always choose you.
"I would like to make it clear that I'm hurt by her choice - how should I do that? "
You shouldn't, not if you have any interest in her ever speaking to you again.
I'm not blaming her for my feelings.
I'm asking for help in how I should communicate to her what I feel, because I am hurt. And wondering if AIBU for feeling hurt in the first place, if this is normal and what people do, or if anyone else would be hurt by it. I can't tell because like I said, I am depressed and oversensitive and everything hurts.
You can let her know that you'll miss seeing her. But you shouldn't let her know that you are hurt by her decision. It is her choice and I think you might be feeling sensitive about it because you don't feel well.
Thanks. That's fine then. I won't say anything if this is considered normal.
Honestly, though, I have never been the sort of person to ditch plans with friends because of a man so I'm having a hard time getting my head round it.
I don't think you can nor should communicate your feelings. Yanbu to feel disappointed but you should not let it affect your friendship longer term.
See the problem is she would have been distracted and texting all night anyway. Maybe ditching you all half way through the night anyway.
Just concentrate on the rest.
And Skylark no I would not expect her to ditch her boyfriend on new year's eve. It's not like that - they started dating/ having a relationship last week, and the plans were made a long time ago.
I'm asking for help in how I should communicate to her what I feel, because I am hurt.
I understand that you're hurt but, if you value this friendship, don't tell her. It is your oversensitivity that is making you feel this bad. Nothing good will come of laying the blame for your feelings at her door.
By your own admission you are feeling 'depressed and sensitive' so you have kind of answered your own question I think.
When we feel like this ....all emotions through the roof etc it will seem far worse.
Could you try looking at it another way- that you made the choice not to have a stranger in your flat, and now you've got what you wanted so you can have a relaxing NYE getting ready for the party and a quiet recovery on the 1st? Enjoy what you've got instead of fretting over her.
I'm afraid yabu, but I hear that you are hurt. If you value your relationship with her and know you are feeling vulnerable, don't bring it up.
You had the option to spend ny with her, but it was on your terms and she wants to spend it with her new man which is understandable. It is also understandable that you don't want him staying. Just one of those things. You will look needy and unreasonable if you pull her up on this.
Again - she was driving down to London and staying over, so she wouldn't have left halfway through. That's why I was reluctant to have him staying over. If it had been a matter of just coming to the party then fine, but I don't want some new guy I have not met staying in my flat, it feels like pressure.
I'd be pissed off aswell op. She's dumped you for a brand new relationship.
I'm not sure what you can say though, she was out of order asking if he could stay at yours when you've never met him.
That's fine but you have to accept you can't have it all ways. She made the choice you gave her.
I understand where you are coming from but YABU. She asked, you said no so she said no thank you.
Yeah it's ok, I'm not going to say anything. I get that Iabu if I say anything. Still genuinely feel a bit like our plans were dismissed because she got a better offer.
Lizs how do I want it all ways? Confused by that.
I will re evaluate the friendship I think.
Op it's not as If you are staying in....you'll still get to celebrate....
Hey OP. Depression sucks. I get that....it makes every little thing so much harder.
The thing is though, your friend WANTED to spend NYE with you- but she wanted to bring someone else who is obviously starting to mean a lot to her too. It probably is important to her that you meet him, because YOU are important to her. She didn't cancel on you- you told her you'd understand if she wanted to be with him, but it couldn't be at your party (which she obviously wanted to go to).
She probably feels a bit shit now too as she didn't want to have to choose between you. But you said it was fine.
Do you know what? I would take a deep breath and tell her to bring him and he will be welcome. It may feel a bit hard at first but YOU will be surrounded by people you know- he will know no-one. Yet he wants to come...maybe he knows how much you mean to your friend?
I know how hard it is when you ate depressed to be with anyone you don't know. But this is just one person within a group of people who know and love you.
I think you will feel so much better if you take a chance on this one. I really really do xx
I think if I wasn't feeling so unwell I would be more relaxed and say sure of course he can stay. But I'm just out of hospital, and she knows this. It just feels like a lack of consideration. Just musing on why it feels a bit shitty..
You want your plans to continue as if nothing happened, expecting her to choose to come alone anyway even though that may not have been realistic given what she had asked.
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