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To think being happy with yourself doesn't make you conceited?

(57 Posts)
LokiBear Sun 28-Dec-14 08:57:15

Back story to avoid drip feeding:
I'm in my early 30's. Throughout my teens and 20s I've struggled with body image and self esteem. I've overcome an eating disorder that I had for ten years and cost me some of my real teeth. When I got pregnant at 27, I really wanted a boy. The only reason I wanted a boy is because I didn't want to have a little girl who would end up a socially awkward, self loathing, anxious person like me. However, I had a beautiful little girl. I was, and still am, terrified that I might pass on my crazy to her. I never want her to go through what I put myself through. I love her so much, the thought if her suffering is unbearable. So, I resolved that I would fix myself, stop messing around with food and start setting a good example for my little girl. I'm a wobbly size 10-12. My butt is 10 inches bigger than my small waist, making me completely out of proportion meanjng clothes shopping has always been a nightmare. However, after spending a life time 'changing' myself and getting nowhere, I decided to stop. I started dressing to suit myself rather than trying to follow fashion. I now live in black tights and flare from the waist dresses. Not cutting edge fashion but they flatter my figure. I only do exercise that I enjoy. I accept compliments with a 'thank you' rather than make a self deprecating comment. I try and think positively about every aspect of myself. I speak positively about myself in front of my daughter - by which I mean, I ask dh if I look nice rather than if I look fat. After 3 years of sheer determined effort to just like myself, warts and all, I finally do. I am, at last, happy with the imperfect, never going to be a beauty queen, person who stares back at me. I'm a nice person, a good mum, a hard working and professional woman. I'm setting a good example for my dd and I make the best of myself. I'm happy. Genuinely happy with who I am and how I look.

However, at a Christmas party yesterday, I was talking to some other women who asked about New Years resolutions. They all talked about wanting to lose weight/ juice cleanse/hit the gym and I didn't say anything. One of them asked me directly and I said I didn't really have any. One of the other women said 'why, are you that perfect already?' In a jokey way. I laughed and said 'pretty much'. To which another woman, quite shocked, asked if I was serious. I said of course not, I just didn't feel like I wanted to change anything, to which she then said 'ah so you are just too lazy to change then?' Backtracking and a bit embarrassed l told them the 'back story' story above, about my ed and how I wanted to be a good role model for my dd. Only for the juice cleanser girl to say that she could never be 'that conceited'. Surely it isn't conceited to be happy with yourself? I can't believe that I am the only woman who feels like they like themselves, surely?

FourEyesGoodKingWenceslas Sun 28-Dec-14 09:01:28

YANBU. It's depressing that so many women feel they can't express satisfaction with their appearance. I'm not perfect, but I think I'm OK. If I like the way I look, others might too (and, like you, I want to foster a positive attitude in my DD).

FergusSingsTheBlues Sun 28-Dec-14 09:04:56

We are trained to hate ourselves, sadly. I was called smug last year for saying I was really happy....I am, I've a fantastic family life, no major worries apart from being plagued with minor ill health condition which I just deal with.

JellyMould Sun 28-Dec-14 09:05:04

What a nasty group of women! I think I would make a resolution to spend less time with them! Of course it isn't conceited to be happy with who you are, it's admirable.

LokiBear Sun 28-Dec-14 09:08:44

Thanks all. It genuinely terrifies me that my dd is going to grow up in a world where she feels that she isn't good enough. I feel like all I can do is be the best role model I can be and give her enough confidence to resist the pressure.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sun 28-Dec-14 09:10:59

Don't trust anyone who sells juice plus!

You sound perfectly fine. I'd hope to be like you if I have a DD. I also had an eating disorder and wouldn't want to pass it on (I have horrible memories of my dad calling my mum fat when I was a kid)

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire Sun 28-Dec-14 09:12:13

Fuck, what a downer that woman was on!!

Of COURSE it's not conceited, it just shows that you have matured into a sensible woman who is happy to just "be" who you are, without trying to fit into a "socially acceptable" model, that doesn't suit you.

SHE is the one with the problem and suffering from Tall Poppy Syndrome - she sees that you are in a good place, she obviously isn't, so she's decided to "cut you down to size" so that she can feel better about herself by putting you down.
See it for what it is - her insecurity talking - and ignore the silly woman.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 28-Dec-14 09:12:54

I think you sound great!

I am content with myself and I like the company of people who are. I am aware that for some (usually Ime younger women) this can come across as smug so I sometimes play the 'self-loathing' game a bit but mostly I don't bother.

twentyten Sun 28-Dec-14 09:13:51

You are doing a great job. Those comments were about them not you. In 4 weeks time ask them sweetly how it's going( or don't and smile cos they will have failed) believe in yourself.thanksthanks

FergusSingsTheBlues Sun 28-Dec-14 09:13:57

This sort of thing makes me relieved I have boys, which itself Is a terrible thing to think

Mumraathenoisylion Sun 28-Dec-14 09:15:06


Juice cleanse woman is an idiot.

ihatethecold Sun 28-Dec-14 09:17:16

Are these people your friends?
I cannot imagine any of my friends ever saying something like this.
Op. You sound great and I'm sure your dd will have a great role model in you.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sun 28-Dec-14 09:17:55

Yeah, as a juice cleanser she's going to have different approach to you.

Her livelihood depends on people thinking that they are dirty and disgusting and that she has the magic bullet to making them feel better.

If everyone said, hmm I'm quite happy being me/this size/this shape/this way of eating she'd be out of business.

Karasea Sun 28-Dec-14 09:19:36

You sound great and the others rude and stupid. They are the self obsessed navel gazers - your daughter is lucky and if they had no empathy after you shared your story they really are just arseholes.

CateBlanket Sun 28-Dec-14 09:21:03

Guardian journalist Hadley Freeman has written about the peculiarly British female trait of self deprecation.

Well done, OP, for setting a positive example to you Dd although maybe you shouldn't ask your DH if you look nice, you don't need his validation.

Enb76 Sun 28-Dec-14 09:21:43

I think she meant 'contented' and got her words squiffed. smile

LaurieFairyCake Sun 28-Dec-14 09:22:55

They're fucking idiots

You are amazing and totally right - stay that way smile

iamthenewgirl Sun 28-Dec-14 09:25:48

What a bunch of witches.

Well done you on turning your life around and remember you never ever have to justify what you are doing or why. I am pretty happy with my life and often get caught up in similar stupid conversations. I always kick myself after. These women are best avoided I think.

MehsMum Sun 28-Dec-14 09:26:17

YADNU. What the hell is 'juice cleanse' anyway?
Keep up the good work. Self-beleif and contentment are not the same as conceit.

Moln Sun 28-Dec-14 09:29:21

She's envious of you feeling fine with yourself. Simple as that.

timetoplay Sun 28-Dec-14 09:30:14

They're idiots, they sound unhappy with themselves and needing to share the misery.

Its all part of a deep need to be 'good'. Anyone else been out with friends and noticed that when ordering food so many women say 'I've been good today I can splurge', 'I've been saving myself all day' or 'down the gym tomorrow? Most of mine do, I used to but now I say nothing but 'X looks good, I think I'll have that'. I suspect they think I'm arrogant, I'm not and I am (privately) working on exercising and toning up because I'm overweight but I see voicing things like that as an issue -which I've made clear before- they see it as arrogance while I see their comments as an issue.

Juice cleanser woman probably works for the company and wanted to sell you things.

Namelesswonder Sun 28-Dec-14 09:30:54

YANBU, you sound like you have your life sorted and are being a terrific role model for your DD. Don't change a thing!

ShootTheMoon Sun 28-Dec-14 09:31:00

You are doing a wonderful thing for yourself and your child - well done! Not conceited at all. I suppose hearing someone brave enough to admit that they are happy is a bit deflating for these women. But it was terribly rude, shortsighted, and thoughtless of them to speak to you this way.

I am going to make it my resolution to be that little bit happier and that little bit more confident this year too smile

Goingintohibernation Sun 28-Dec-14 09:34:32

YANBU. Your DD is very lucky to have a good role model in you. It sounds like you have worked hard to get to where you are. Don't let anyone knock that. FWIW I am far from perfect, but not planning to try and change myself in the new year.

inadaydream Sun 28-Dec-14 09:35:06

You sound like me! After years of dieting, self loathing and constantly worrying about what others think of me I have FINALLY given up and accepted myself for who I am!

I am the biggest I have ever been but have 2 beautiful children (excess weight is baby weight) and one of them is a stunning 5yo Dd - I do not want to put her through the 20yrs of heartache I put myself through. She is a beautiful confident girl and I will fight until my dying days to keep her that way!!

I would love to lose some weight in 2015 but I won't be buying into any rediculous juice crap or detox rubbish. I will eat healthier to set a good example again to my children and carry on my exercise regime I have recently set myself (the exercise is helping me control my depression so I am on minimum meds and I actually enjoy the classes I go to - for me, it's my me time).

I now dress how I feel I want to, so when I look in the mirror I feel good about myself - even hubby has commented on my new dress sense and says I look happier!

Those women sound jealous to me and you sound lovely! Let them fanny about trying to change themselves and enjoy the fact you are finally happy with yourself, all the best to you xx

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