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To be fed up of my mum getting drunk and showing me up every time we go anywhere?

(45 Posts)
SoFedUpOfIt Sat 27-Dec-14 10:38:48

To cut a long story short, I very strongly suspect that my mum has some kind of drink problem. She's not a full blown alcoholic by any means, but she drinks mosts nights, usually until she passes out on the sofa. That's her problem, what she does in her home is her business. I'm past caring. What I do care about is DF and myself being shown up by her whenever we go anywhere. She doesn't pace herself with drink like other people do and often end up loud, lairy and falling about all over the place.

I suspect that she thinks she's funny and the life and soul when she does this, but she's not, she embarrassing and obnoxious. I see the looks on other peoples faces and I know what they're thinking, that she's a bloody mess and a joke. However she's incredibly sensitive about the subject of her drinking and it's the white elephant in the room so to speak, she will explode if anyone so much as dares as make a joke about it. I don't get it because when sober she's obsessed with keeping up appearances and what people think about her, but that goes out of the window when she's sloshed.

Anyway, it's Christmas and the drink is flowing and yes, we all like a drink, I like a drink, but I know my limits. I can't relax and enjoy myself at family parties when's she's there because I honestly feel like a parent keeping an eye on her to make sure she's not A) insulting or being rude to someone (she's done this many times) or B) placing herself in danger. She's already fallen down the stairs drunk and cut her face falling over at a party. If I don't watch her I'm scared she'll cause a row or seriously hurt herself. I hate it, I just want to enjoy myself and I can't because she spoils it for me. I know my poor Dad feels the same as he's told me. She's an embarrassment, an utter embarrassment and I actually feel ashamed of her.

I know people will say just let her get on with it, but I can't. What if she ends up dead or something? Anyway thanks for listening, I suppose I just need to vent about it.

DoubleValiumLattePlease Sat 27-Dec-14 10:42:53

I'm sorry - but your Mum IS an alcoholic. Of course she explodes when anyone suggests that - that's what they do. It means that deep down she knows it's true. I hope that before too long some posters with more experience in this will be along to make suggestions for you.

angelohsodelight Sat 27-Dec-14 10:51:04

Pussy figuring around Her clearly isn't working so you all need to discuss this when she's sober ...time for an intervention.

angelohsodelight Sat 27-Dec-14 10:51:26

Shit .... Pussy FOOTING!!!!

SuburbanReindeer Sat 27-Dec-14 10:56:19

Sorry, OP, but your mum is an alcoholic.

I would suggest you and/or your dad get in touch with Al-Anon, an organisation for the relatives of alcoholics. They are experts on this.

SoFedUpOfIt Sat 27-Dec-14 10:56:51

Confronting her with it is not an option, she'd probably never speak to me again. I think I probably need to detach a bit, and if she causes a fall out or hurts herself let her deal with the consequences. Maybe then she'd wake up and smell the coffee?

Nomama Sat 27-Dec-14 10:58:45

You need to make whatever decisions are best for you. Your mum IS and alcoholic. Her actions are just like MILs were. She will not suddenly realise, you cannot help.

Basically, save yourself!

MistyMeena Sat 27-Dec-14 11:00:41

She is an alcoholic, OP. My PILs are both recovering, unfortunately there really is very little you can do until she admits she has a problem. If she is still in defensive mode there's some way to go yet. I would try to minimise contact and support her husband as much as you can. It's very, very difficult for everyone, I understand.

MistyMeena Sat 27-Dec-14 11:01:30

Support your dad, sorry, misread your post as MIL.

Cornettoninja Sat 27-Dec-14 11:02:16

She explodes because she hears truths she doesn't like.

This is a situation where I'd consider the row and fall out worth it tbh. Either she's going to keep drinking or your going to keep feeling mortified and on edge. With a choice like that self preservation is the only real option.

I think you need to chat with your dad, I wouldn't expect him to get involved in your argument but I would offer him endless support if he decides he wanted to present a united front.

Why should you spend your time feeling the way you do because of her actions? If she's been a prat tell her. If she's the maker of her own troubles withhold sympathy and tell her exactly why. She is guaranteed to get defensive so be prepared, you won't be able to tell or convince her of a drinking problem she doesn't see but that's no reason you can't pull her up on behaviour.

jalopy Sat 27-Dec-14 11:03:12

Why don't you film her behaviour on your phone and play it back to her when she is sober.

Alcoholics rarely remember or want to remember how bad they were. It's your turn to embarass her.

Hopefully she will admit to having a drink problem and do something about it.

angelohsodelight Sat 27-Dec-14 11:04:27

I second filming her to. Avoiding the issue will still cause problems.

SoFedUpOfIt Sat 27-Dec-14 11:05:23

Her reasoning is that because she can go the odd day without a drink she doesn't have a problem. She does this occasionally, I think to prove to herself that she doesn't have a problem. But then she just goes back to square one again.

Last year she actually stopped for a fortnight, went on about how well she felt, how much better she was sleeping etc but then she started all over again! She says she needs it to help her her unwind and relax.

RinseyMinceySpider Sat 27-Dec-14 11:07:47

Ah yes, the old "white elephant in the room"

angelohsodelight Sat 27-Dec-14 11:08:09

Sorry but she's telling you a load of bollocks and you seem to accept it. Unless you face up to reality also, nothing is going to change.

wowfudge Sat 27-Dec-14 11:09:24

And functioning alcoholics hold down jobs and manage to get other things done - they are still alcoholics though.

MinceSpy Sat 27-Dec-14 11:09:42

She is an alcoholic but there is nothing you or your dad can do about it. Maybe stop going out with her, I think filming her might backfire as she may get very angry.

SoFedUpOfIt Sat 27-Dec-14 11:14:11

Oh no, I'm not denying it. I know quite well she's functioning addict. I'm not stupid. I know she's got to want to accept it and do something about it herself before anything changes, I just wish she'd realise the effect she's having on the rest of us. I like the idea of filming her, not sure that it would change anything but it might make her realise how much of an idiot of herself she's making.

I really don't see why I should stop going to family parties though? I'm not the one with a drink problem.

Nomama Sat 27-Dec-14 11:16:14

Filming will make no difference, she'll just think she was the life and soul.

You don't stop going to parties, you just stop feeling responsible for her actions. Easy to say, hard to do, but a relief when you manage it!

SoFedUpOfIt Sat 27-Dec-14 11:19:41

I know this is what I need to do Nomama. Detach a bit.

This is going to sound awful but last summer I went to a barbecue at my Uncles house, I really enjoyed myself more than I had at a family "do" for a long long time. Then I realise why, my mum wasn't there, she was on holiday and I was able to relax and enjoy myself properly.

Nomama Sat 27-Dec-14 11:26:38

I remember that feeling! Just don't ever feel guilty for it smile

Good luck managing how you feel about this.

OrangesLemons Sat 27-Dec-14 11:29:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cricketpitch Sat 27-Dec-14 11:30:36

You say that she is not a full blown alcoholic by any means - but from what you have described she sounds as if she is. Other posters have mentioned Al-Anon - i would agree. They have experience in dealing with those affected by alcoholics.

Very difficult for you - I had something of this with my dad so understand the dread and the stress of watching.

Gruntfuttock Sat 27-Dec-14 11:32:40

Try showing her some photos of cirrhotic livers. That's probably what hers looks like - or soon will.

BeyondTheTreelights Sat 27-Dec-14 11:34:31

Very similar situation here, your post almost word for word describes my dad. Except he always responds that he earns the money, he has the right to spend it on alcohol hmm

My advice is also to detach. You cant do anything about it. But its easier said than done (and i'm not great at following my own advice either) smile

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