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To not want to share a bed with my mother?

(79 Posts)
msfreud Sat 27-Dec-14 09:43:50

For context, I live in a different country from my mother and don't visit often. I'm 31 and she's 70. She's a widow.

Every time I visit her, she asks me to share a bed with her. I always say no. We were recently discussing the new flat she's moving into and she saidshe won't have a spare bed despite having a spare room. She said this was ok as I could share her bed when I visit. I said definitely not but she seems completely unable to see why I have an issue with sleeping in her bed with her.

I find it very intrusive when she asks me to and tbh quite disgusting. I don't know how she can not see any issue with it though.

sarkymare Sat 27-Dec-14 09:49:17

My immediate thought was perhaps she feels lonely at night. You say she is a widow. I imagine it will be quite hard to go from sharing your bed every night to being alone.

That doesn't mean you should share a bed if you don't want to though. Do you have a camping bed or anything you can put up in her spare room whilst you're there?

gobbynorthernbird Sat 27-Dec-14 09:50:32

Why do you think it disgusting?

Chaseface Sat 27-Dec-14 09:54:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

magpieginglebells Sat 27-Dec-14 09:56:41

I hate sharing a bed with anyone apart from my husband but I wouldn't insist on them getting a spare bed. Could you bring an air bed or sleep on settee?

19lottie82 Sat 27-Dec-14 09:57:28

I wouldn't be comfortable sharing a bed with anyone apart from my DH.

2minsofyourtime Sat 27-Dec-14 09:57:52

Yanbu, I wouldn't want to share a bed with my mum. Tbh I wouldn't want to go if that was the case, do you know anyone where your mum live who might have a camp bed you could borrow?

CadleCrap Sat 27-Dec-14 10:04:12

these are really good

I refuse to share a room with anyone let alone a bed (apart from dh of course). I do not need anyone else to know how much I wriggle/snore/fart in my sleep! But of course I only do the former grin

erin99 Sat 27-Dec-14 10:08:00

It might be a generational thing. My nan always expected my mum and me to share. I think YANBU to refuse, but I can see why she doesn't think it's a strange thing to ask.

Alisvolatpropiis Sat 27-Dec-14 10:10:01

YANBU to say no but you're being really weird to describe it as "disgusting", unless there is a massive back story.

LongWayRound Sat 27-Dec-14 10:12:29

You say you and your mother live in different countries. Is your mother from a culture where it is normal for relations other than spouses to share beds? Might she be upset and consider this a form of rejection?

lightgreenglass Sat 27-Dec-14 10:13:53

I would love to share a bed with my mum. I don't get why it's disgusting? Hopefully your children won't feel like same way when you're older.

TiggerLillies Sat 27-Dec-14 10:16:20

Having spent a good deal of time in house shares, any one who wanted to stay had to share my double bed or an airbed. Most picked sharing.
Have also shared with Mum, to reduce costs on holiday. She is in her 70's and completely nuts, like me - we had a laugh.
However yanbu if you don't want to share, don't stay with her or take an air bed with you?
Curious to know why you think it's disgusting?

SaucyJack Sat 27-Dec-14 10:16:38

YANBU. I wouldn't want to share a bed with my mum either. She's not the cuddly type.

msfreud Sat 27-Dec-14 10:18:08

Sorry, didn't intend to drip feed.

She's always been very intrusive and I've thought in retrospect she used me to satisfy her own needs a lot when I was little - my father didn't live with us during the week and we were quite isolated from other people in general. She often had me sleep in her bed when I was a child as well and used me for comfort when she was lonely or upset.

She also does things like telling me the latest research says you should sleep naked because your skin needs to breathe, especially your nether regions. And therefore I should do that and she definitely does herself etc.

So I guess agreeing to share a bed would feel like she's got me into bed?

Finola1step Sat 27-Dec-14 10:19:24

I wouldn't want to share a bed with my mum but that's because I like my own space. Not because I would find it "disgusting". So I am interested in why the OP would use this word.

msfreud Sat 27-Dec-14 10:20:22

Not really from a culture where it's more common to share a bed, no. Ironically she stopped sharing a bed with my father at some point. She's been a widow for over 10 years now though.

PhaedraIsMyName Sat 27-Dec-14 10:23:31

YANBU. I expect you think it's disgusting because as we get older most of us snore and grunt (I dribble). This is ok when the other person is a partner (especially if you've been together for years). However I would not want to see and hear, nor be seen and heard by, anyone else doing these things.

duffaho Sat 27-Dec-14 10:24:48

How sad that you think your own Mother is disgusting. There must be a back story though since you continue to visit, albeit infrequently .

Poor woman ,how lonely must she be to continue to ask for her daughter to share with her in the face of many refusals.

I wouldnt say it's a generational thing more a personal request for human company.

Gileswithachainsaw Sat 27-Dec-14 10:25:14

Yanbu to say no. your choice.

I wouldn't use the word disgusting though. two adults sharing a bed is not disgusting. beds are for sleeping.

but I wouldn't do it as I hate sharing a bed with anyone really. I do it if I have to and am pleasant bout it. I get on with it. but if it's at all possible I prefer my own space. no offence to my wonderful friend and her beautiful dd who wriggles and the dog

TiggerLillies Sat 27-Dec-14 10:27:16

I think you know your mum best and you should follow your instincts. The context does explain your perspective a bit.

Chaseface Sat 27-Dec-14 10:32:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KateMosley Sat 27-Dec-14 10:33:40

Goodness me I'd rather cut off my own arm than share a bed with my Mother.

I completely agree with the use of the word 'disgusting'.

imjustahead Sat 27-Dec-14 10:36:52

your second post does point out why you used the word disgusting.

did she make you sleep naked with her as a child op?

SuburbanReindeer Sat 27-Dec-14 10:43:20

Good god, no way would I share with anyone who uses the excuses in your second post, OP shock

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