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Mourning death of young teen (not me)

(19 Posts)
Darkandstormynight Sat 27-Dec-14 01:52:01

Friends of family members lost their young teen two years ago to cancer. Child was in remission then cancer came back and parents honored child's wishes not to continue chemo.

My family members are complaining they friends need to "get over it" seems friends post on their FB account about their child on holidays, anniversaries, etc. Frankly I myself don't find it U to post things like this. Everyone grieves in their own way, I find it sad (amoungst other things) when they complain she needs to "get over it".

What is...interesting is not the word, but this couple lost their own very close family member early this summer. While their family member was on their deathbed they kept saying their friend was living in the past and needed to get on with it. Fwiw they started talking about this friend way before their own family member even got sick.

Am I alone in thinking the friend mourning loss of their teen, even two years out is Not U?

Loveneverfails Sat 27-Dec-14 01:53:47

defo not.

ProcrastinaRemNunc Sat 27-Dec-14 02:00:26

Not U!! I can't imagine ever 'getting over' anything like this happening to my dc's, nor can I imagine the day would ever come that I'd stop talking about them! Their child is and always will be a part of them and a part of their lives.

puntasticusername Sat 27-Dec-14 02:00:36

Well of course it's not unreasonable for people to carry on mourning in their preferred way for as long as they want to. There is no definitive time limit on grief, especially under the circumstances you describe.

Having said that, I can imagine that other people may be very uncomfortable with seeing things going on fb all the time, so I'd probably recommend minimising that aspect of things tbh.

sooperdooper Sat 27-Dec-14 02:01:05

Not at all, everyone grieves in different ways, they shouldn't be hedges for the way they deal with their loss

hannahwex Sat 27-Dec-14 02:48:47

I lost my brother aged 26. 2years ago in an accident. I often post things on Facebook in memory of him. If people have a problem they can always unfriend. My Mum and Dad will never 'get over' it. And I think putting a timescale on people's grief is really distressing to the bereaved person

HerRoyalNotness Sat 27-Dec-14 03:16:11

Wow. People don't get over the loss of a child. They heal but the loss will always be there and they want to remember their child on special days and anniversaries. It would be an injstice for the family not to acknowledge them.

Very rude and nasty of other people to say they should 'get over it'

I have 3 dates in particular to remember my DD, the day she was born, the day she died and her due date.

Darkandstormynight Sat 27-Dec-14 03:20:02

That's what I thought Hanna, why not just hide the posts if it bothers them so much? I'm sure the parents second guessed their decision to let their child decide to discontinue treatment, maybe that is part of their turmoil? My own dm passed 14 years ago, at some time emotions are Still very fresh, and she wasn't my Child!

QTPie Sat 27-Dec-14 04:19:53

Was at a neighbours' house for a Christmas gathering yesterday afternoon and the host's mother was saying that she lost her daughter (who was early 30s) last January. Poor poor lady. She said it was still unbelievably raw (tears rolling down her cheeks) - one of the other neighbours had asked if the host was her only child. We let her lead the conversation (where she was comfortable) and she said that she had talked to other parents about grief for a child and they had said that it had barely lessened in 10 or so years.

There is little that you can do to help other's grief, except to listen to what they want to say and respect their feelings. Some times people want to talk, other times they don't. If there want to talk, listening and providing support is incredibly kind.

QTPie Sat 27-Dec-14 04:23:48

Read this - I found it interesting:

m.dailylife.com.au/life-and-love/real-life/what-to-give-to-someone-whos-grieving-this-christmas-20141210-12499i.html?&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=social&eid=socialn%3Afac-14omn0101-optim-nnn%3Apaid-25%2F06%2F2014-social_traffic-all-postprom-nnn-dailylife-o&campaign_code=nocode&promote_channel=social_facebook

ShowMeTheWonder Sat 27-Dec-14 04:53:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puntasticusername Sat 27-Dec-14 09:27:46

Yep, sorry, on reflection I was quite wrong about that bit. I take it back.

nocoolnamesleft Sat 27-Dec-14 10:05:57

"Get over it"?! How fucking dare they say that. Parents never truly "get over" losing a child. They hopefully manage to stagger on through life long enough to find a reason to keep living. They may eventually reach a point of peace and acceptance. But "get over it"?!? Someone does not stop being a parent because their child has died. Sorry, but this makes me really angry.

coldwater1 Sat 27-Dec-14 10:11:01

My first child died 14 years ago. I am not over it by a long shot and probably never will be. It annoys me when people imply that i should be over it by now, or how my mother out it... Stop playing on it!!confused

lightgreenglass Sat 27-Dec-14 10:11:49

That is awful. My sister said something similar about a mutual friend who lost her son before he turned one seven years ago, I gave her what for. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, hide it but I can understand why you'd want to do it - to remind people of the person as people forget people ever existed and it's so cruel.

insanityscratching Sat 27-Dec-14 10:26:15

Ds lost his best friend seven years ago when they were both eighteen. It was a sudden death, he died whilst at football training. He still thinks and talks about his friend and takes the anniversary of his death off work so that he can take flowers to his grave. On his friend's birthday he and many of their friends post messages of remembrance and post messages to his dm. It may be seven years but he isn't forgotten and hopefully that brings some comfort to his dm and dsis.
Your family members are both ignorant and insensitive.

thornrose Sat 27-Dec-14 10:33:15

There is no question that your family members are being very unreasonable and horribly insensitive. Do they really believe they should be "over it"? Bloody hell!

I really hope this thread doesn't upset anyone too much. flowers It's made me upset and angry on behalf of the people in my life who have lost children.

ineedtogetthisout Sat 27-Dec-14 10:47:42

My first child died 16 years ago, my second died 7 years ago. I'll never, ever get over it, or forget them, and, quite frankly, if I choose to talk about my children people should be honoured I'm choosing to share my precious memories with them.

Sadly its not usually the case, people want to sweep my pain under the carpet because it makes them feel bad. The life of a bereaved parent can be very isolating indeed.

tiggytape Sat 27-Dec-14 11:14:45

Two years is nothing. I should imagine that the initial shock and disbelief is only just about wearing off let alone the process of mourning and eventually finding a way to live day to day with that loss whilst certainly never "getting over it"

Anyone with a child or loved one and a small amount of empathy can surely understand how that type of loss would never heal? I think our society generally has a very unkind and very unhealthy attitude to death and grief - far worse than previous generations in many ways. It is geared up to always moving onwards and to quick outbursts of grief but then quickly moving on

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