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To not want to see my mums partner after he cheated?

(5 Posts)
bagelfiend Fri 26-Dec-14 16:50:53

It's a bit of a long story but my parents split when I was 3 and i had a great upbringing from both parents and felt no effects of the divorce.

My mum got together with her parter (lets call him Phil) when I was 6. He always gave me the creeps but she seemed happy so I didn't mind. He was going through a divorce at the time of meeting my mum and had 2 young boys.

We moved into a house with him when I was 13. It was a big house(he had a lot of money) so I was happy(shallow teen) to have a bigger room!
My older brother and I heard an argument suggesting that he was cheating one night when I was 14. Mum came up to us and said we would be moving out etc. because of what had happened. Next day, I got home from school and all was back to normal as though the fight had never happened. This fucked me up to the point of having to see a psychiatrist with my mum(she denied the whole thing and made me feel very stupid). Years went by and I realised how much of a grade-A douche he was. He would openly tell me that my opinion didn't count for anything because I was 'just a little girl'.

I hated him and we did have arguments but mum still seemed happy so I grew used to it.

At 19 I went away for a year(first time away from home). They came to visit me and all seemed well. On returning home to live with mum and Phil, she seemed deeply depressed. I put it down to menopause and being in a rut (naive!!). A few months later, I wake up to a phone call from my mum in tears. She said she had left Phil as he had continued to cheat(first time she had admitted to it) on and off with the same woman and she had found evidence when I was away(hence the depression) but they had worked it out. He promised to never see her again. Blah blah blah.... Ends up that he did see her again and I later found out that he had basically cheated his way through their whole relationships and had often slept with prostitutes.

Mum was strong and left him for a few months. This didn't last and she is now back with him and pretending as though nothing ever happened.
AIBU to want nothing to do with him? I moved out (about 30 miles a away)when she left and now live with my boyfriend so don't need to see him. The rest of her family refuses to see him as well.

She is understandably feeling very isolated and often calls me up in tears saying she's lonely. He is a miserable alcoholic. We have been to Councelling earlier in the year as it got so bad.

This has deeply affected my life and my relationship with my Mum.

What can I do?

Sorry for the rant!

TiggerLillies Fri 26-Dec-14 17:41:06

Yikes yanbu. I don't think I'd want to see him again either, do you think by doing so it would be somehow condoning his behaviour and the relationship? The best thing would be to support your mum on whichever way she needs, have you explained how you feel to her?
Sorry not to be more help, you know your mum and yourself best - you know what you can put up with best. Could you compromise by seeing her away from home?

IBrokeTheInternetB4itWasCool Fri 26-Dec-14 17:42:42

Yanbu, I wouldn't see him either. And if he'd treated my mum that way he'd be better off not seeing me!

bagelfiend Fri 26-Dec-14 17:51:37

I don't want to see him as I don't feel he deserves our acceptance and I'm not sure I could resist punching him in the nose.

Unfortunately, my mum sees this as us all punishing her.
I've explained time and time how I feel again but it's now awkward when we see her as we have exhausted the topic.
I now dread seeing her which is awful as we used to have such a good relationship. She is very very stubborn though and won't accept us not wanting to see him.

I'm worried now that he will cheat again and she will be too proud to say anything to anyone and just stay with him out of embarrassment.

I don't think there is an answer but it's good to know that I'm not being insane!

Letthemtalk Fri 26-Dec-14 17:54:44

My DM is still friends with her ex who had at least 2 affairs and 2 children with ow when he was meant to be with my mum. Last affair she left him, he moved ow and his ds into the house within a week, they're now married. I can't look the man in the eye and will never forgive him for what he did to mum. But I live with the fact that for whatever reason my mum still sees him regularly and has been known to babysit.

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