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To feel like I was the only one who put any effort in? And now I feelcross and also responsible for it not working out?

(18 Posts)
Tory79 Fri 26-Dec-14 13:44:48

Dsd9 has never spent Christmas with us in all those 9 years. Last year she said she was going to but changed her mind. This year, she said the same and we were expecting her to change her mind again but she didn't.....

I love Christmas pandya was very excited. Ds3 also excited as he worships his big sister and started to get christmas a bit more this year.

I chose and bought all her presents and did her stocking with no input from dh. Wrapped everything as well. Made sure we had lots of food in for her (fussy vegetarian - we areneitherofthose things) including making her grandmothers nut roast recipe for Xmas lunch. I sorted sleeping arrangements as my mum was here too. I bought new games I thought shed like (as she loves games) I also tried to persuade dh to get his parents to come to us for the day instead of going to his brothers, they alternate ut I really thought they'd want to come here seeing as it was the first time dsd was going to be here, but no, they didn't want to switch and dh didn't really say anything (I thought this was extra important as dsd is used to quite. Big busy family Christmases and ours tend to be a bit smaller and quieter)

Anyway, dsd was due to come 22-27th (they live 4 hours away so it possible for her to come for just the day) she arrived evening of the 22nd, wheni discovered dh was still planning on going to work on the 23/24th..... News to me as I'd assume he was off as he'd never mentioned his absence when we talked about when he should get dsd. In the end he just went in for couple of hours each morning. Dsd is excited and see snappy enough over these coupled days, but says frequently that it doesn't feel like christmas (because she is away from home) and starts face timing her mum more and more.... Christmas Day comes and dh (bearing in mind this is the first time he's EVER had his daughter on Christmas day), pisses off on his own for an hour to get a coffee once everyone is up. My mum has probably spent more time entertaining the children!

Day goes ok, dsd likes her presents, keeps facetiiming mum though and it's pretty obvious she's struggling with being here, and in the end she facetimed her mum just before bed and started crying because she wanted to go home. So dh is now spending Boxing Day doi g the 8 hour round trip to take her home.

I just feel really pissed off. I so wanted her to enjoy herself and have a happy christmas here, but I feel like I was the only one (along with my mum,) who made any effort and dh seemed to treat it like it was just a normal visit. I also can't help but feel annoyed with dsd although I know she's only 9 and just wanted to be with her mum. It just feels like it's never enough, and dh hasn't even acknowledged any of it anyway!

(Just so as it to drip feed, I also have an 11 week old who wakes every couple of hours so I'm knackered and generally grr about lots of things!)

WorraLiberty Fri 26-Dec-14 13:51:33

I'm sorry it didn't work out OP thanks

But I can't help thinking this might be part of the reason why...

I chose and bought all her presents and did her stocking with no input from dh. Wrapped everything as well. Made sure we had lots of food in for her (fussy vegetarian - we areneitherofthose things) including making her grandmothers nut roast recipe for Xmas lunch. I sorted sleeping arrangements as my mum was here too. I bought new games I thought shed like (as she loves games) I also tried to persuade dh to get his parents to come to us for the day instead of going to his brothers

If he had done half or even just some of those ^^ things, he might have put a lot more effort in on the day.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I think you need to ease off and he needs to pull his finger out and start sharing the Christmas load.

ssd Fri 26-Dec-14 13:51:42

shes only 9, of course she wants her mum, but this isnt a slight on you!
dh could have put more effort in, certainly...

Tory79 Fri 26-Dec-14 14:00:35

worra it's not that I was taking over - they're just not things hed do! Well he does normally do her presents but to be honest he's not that great at it eg last year she wanted one of those electric scooters so he got her one.... A giant heavy one marked for 13yr+ boys that was far too big and heavy for her....

I guess maybe I just got too invested....

mommy2ash Fri 26-Dec-14 14:01:24

your husband should have put more effort in. don't take it personally you can't ever win between a mum and her child she just wanted to be at home.

daisychain01 Fri 26-Dec-14 14:04:40

I know what you did was with all good intent, but it sounds from how you have worded your OP that you have invested far more in this than your DSDs father.

He didn't input into his DDs Christmas present buying.

He seemed to be disengaged through the whole process (work days, going off for coffee etc).

I am sure it was disappointing to you, but without her DF's input, it wasn't ever going to be anything more than one-sidedness.

His DD probably picked up on how uninterested he was, and wanted to be back with her DM, where she received more attention sad

You did your best, so don't berate yourself for that.

Tory79 Fri 26-Dec-14 15:53:23

Gosh, just noticed all the typos in my op!!

I think that's one of the hardest bits of step parenting - she's a lovely girl and we get along just fine, but at the end of the day it's about her dad and her brothers and what'd re I do probably makes no difference to anything sad

Tory79 Fri 26-Dec-14 15:54:25

Whatever I do even! Blooming iPad and baby asleep on one arm!

daisychain01 Fri 26-Dec-14 16:12:54

I speak from the heart when I say that I have had to channel my efforts wisely over the years (I'm a DSM too, so I can empathise with you!).

CleanLinesSharpEdges Fri 26-Dec-14 16:28:33

It's possible that she picked up on the fact that her dad wasn't that arsed either way whether she was there or not - I certainly get that from your OP.

Sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted. Sounds like you and your mum made lot of effort.

HansieLove Fri 26-Dec-14 16:36:42

Have DH read this? So he can hear everything you have to say, and maybe some of it will sink in? If you try to tell him, you will just get some of it out before he ceases listening.

MrsCaptainReynolds Fri 26-Dec-14 17:20:28

Poor girl.

So many men seem to think xmas just "happens". Everyone has a lovely time just because...

So many women are responsible for this ^ because we run around doing everything, with low expectations of our partners.

Personally, i think you should have cancelled as soon as it was apparent he wasn't interested enough to arrange time off work. Better for her to be with her mum.

VirginiaTonic Fri 26-Dec-14 17:28:51

Who goes out alone for a coffee on Christmas morning? Weird!

ssd Fri 26-Dec-14 19:23:10

actually, reading your op again, I feel really sorry for dsd and you...dh's parents didn't want to come to yours for Xmas, even though dsd would be there...and dh buggers off for coffee on xmas morning...very hmm about this.....

they dont sound very nice people, dh or the in laws

Surreyblah Fri 26-Dec-14 19:40:55

Your DH fucked up big time. Not interested enough in his DC to organise gifts or Christmas, take proper time off or be there in the morning for them.

Boomtownsurprise Fri 26-Dec-14 19:48:45

She's nine. She knew dad didn't give two shiny shits where she was. And you being lovely probably made her miss mum more...

You know you tried.

MammaTJ Fri 26-Dec-14 20:03:29

Aw, bless you OP, you tried!

She is only 9 though and that is very young to have a total change at Christmas. I'm sure she spends plenty of 'normal' time with you and your family but Christmas has it's own rituals and routines and you could not possibly replicate them, even if you knew about them.

Your DH messed up! It's his and unfortunately his DD's and your loss.

Such a shame. At least you can sleep at night knowing you did your best!

HadleyHemingway Fri 26-Dec-14 20:15:37

In the nicest possible way OP, this really isn't about you. Or what you did or didn't do. (And btw it sounds like you did an amazing job).

It's about how shit your DH is.

He should've picked her presents. He should've asked his parents to make time to see their GD on Christmas day. He should've made sure he took time off work to spend with his DD. He just, generally should've been much more fucking interested and engaged with the whole thing.

I'm a step mum and very involved in raising my step daughter, but DP is the 'main' parent in the dynamic and utterly devoted to DSD.

If he behaved how your DH behaves then I don't think I'd want to be with him.

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