To be upset about Xmas Day

[Updownandaway]

AIBU - prepped for a good 2 weeks what we thought was a lovely family lunch and day for family. One member arrived yesterday, didn't say Merry Xmas on arrival, spoke in harsh manner, when I approached, and said Welcome, Merry Xmas, what can I get you to drink? Grunted that we didn't have anything they wanted to drink! Found something wrong with the presents I bought for the family and although didn't direct comments (of bad present choices) at me, made sure I could hear. Didn't say any other words to me or partner at all the entire day, no thank you, no offer of help to clear or wash up and sat on my sofa eating food and drinking drink (found more than a few alcoholic drinks they would drink in the end) and left without saying a word.
AIBU to be hurt, cross and angry that I spent time and effort on this person? My partner says I should get over myself and not let it bother me!

[Only1scoop]

Well you know who to not invite next year then....

[Panzee]

You are allowed to be miffed but please don't dwell, they are so not worth it. Forget to invite them next year.

[Silvercatowner]

Did you ask them what was wrong? Sounds as if something had happened in their life.

[ApocalypseThen]

I'd be annoyed too. I can't bear adults who behave in this way and I'd be having a serious think about inviting them back again. It sounds like they contributed nothing good to the day - not materially, physically or emotionally - and who really can put up with that?

[GothMummy]

What a lovely guest!!

[Updownandaway]

This is an ongoing issue to be fair, but I was so hoping that yesterday was going to be different. I also think there is something going on in their life, and I try very hard to allow for that - but after running around so much yesterday and hardly being able to enjoy the day with my children, I feel cheated! Sadly there is absolutely no way that my husband will not invite these family members for Christmas in the future.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Which family member is it, his brother, sister, mother or father?

Not that it makes any difference; they were rude and made the day memerable for the wrong reasons. Sounds like you're stuck with them which is a pain in the arse for the next family get together.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

• memorable

[ApocalypseThen]

Your husband let you run around to prepare Christmas and get treated like that for it? If he feels he has to invite this man again, let him be aware that there's a lot of work for him to do.

[Kundry]

I think your mistake was to think Christmas would be different - unpleasant people don't generally switch it off for one day, they are like it all the time.

However as with so many issues on Mumsnet, I don't think this is an issue with your relative, it's an issue with your DP. At any point did he - pull them up on it, say 'Actually Updown put a lot of thought and effort into your gifts', announce that everyone needed to help clearing up, do 50% of the work of Christmas himself or most importantly did he ask you if you wanted to host his family for Christmas and if so which members?

It sounds like he lumps you with hosting people you'd rather not and then invalidates your feelings about it.

What would happen if you said it was him and the kids only next year?

[DraggingDownDownDown]

If that is the case then, let him do all the preparing and running around on the day.

[Tinkerball]

Well I wouldn't invite them again, it's your home and your Christmas to, regardless of what is going on in their lives or not. I learned s long time not to be a martyr and hisuch of an effect this can have in tbd days atmosphere. Take it it's a relative of your husband?

[Tinkerball]

How much of an effect!

[clam]

I take it that this family member is related to your dp? Sounds as if he went to the same charm school if "My partner says I should get over myself and not let it bother me!" is anything to go by.

[Hatespiders]

I think if someone accepts an invitation they should behave with the usual politeness and congeniality no matter what their private problems. It's called being an adult. If they can't buck up and be pleasant they shouldn't come.

I agree your dp has no right to ask a miserable sod over and expect you to work like a slave to entertain them while they behave like a wet week of Sundays. Have you tried just saying no? I mean, loudly and firmly, just "No!" It might work!

[MinceSpy]

If DH insist on inviting miserable relative to any other events he deals with them and you concentrate on your children and family.

[Panzee]

In that case, I think you should go elsewhere for Christmas. Let husband deal with mardy relative.

Or buy him this for Christmas next year and make him wear it.

[Only1scoop]

If DH insists on inviting him then you insist on him 'entertaining' them.

To be honest I'd break your traditions next year and get out of the habit of this invitation!!

[Updownandaway]

Sorry head a bit screwed, so perhaps wasn't clear, to be fair to husband he equally helped prepare and clear up. But he can seem to overlook this behaviour from this family member and not let it bother him and thinks I should too. As we will have to keep them in our lives to keep the wider family peace.

[ApocalypseThen]

Do you think he's minimising the poor behaviour due to a sense of obligation and embarrassment then? Like if he validated your feelings that would mean he'd have to do something?

[Updownandaway]

Thanks for all your thoughts and feedback, I came away from yesterday thinking I was the one BU for feeling like it was a rubbish day!

[HamPortCourt]

It's MIL isn't it

No way would I be subjected to this kind of rudeness in my own home. I would tell DH if he wants to invite them he can do all the present buying and cooking and thankless running around after them.

It sounds like he has no respect for you.

[Updownandaway]

ApocalypseThen, I am not sure why my husband accepts the behaviour, I know he is much stronger than me and can overlook it. He often says to me why let someone else ruin your day, it's their problem etc, but he will not distance himself from this particular family member, or approach about behaviour etc

[Nelehwelly]

"Sadly there is absolutely no way that my husband will not invite these family members for Christmas in the future."

In which case he can take responsibility for conversing with and waiting upon them.

Anyone who can't/won't be respectful of their host shouldn't be invited back.