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Pissed off at sharing 'news'

(42 Posts)
HoardingCrap Fri 26-Dec-14 03:09:16

Fully prepared to let this one go and acknowledge that pregnancy hormones are most likely making me over sensitive.

Due dc2 imminently and have elcs booked. It's the right decision but struggling with certain factors around it. Told no one the date bar my mother who is looking after dc1 (and her dp as he knows she will be here) plus DH's work as he's booked pat leave so it's bloody obvious in his work diary. None of my friends/family know and we've just said that I'm due middle of x month. No one has pushed further for details.

DH felt obliged to tell a family member as they would be hurt not knowing. Ok with me as we've asked them to keep it private and I can understand ish where they are coming from.

Turns out they've told another family member and my dad. Apparently didn't realise it wasn't public knowledge (bollocks) or thought that we would want them to tell these people. My dad is understandably hurt that he had to find out via a third party and I'm not happy.

DH thinks I'm being irrational, it's now done so nothing can be changed about it (true) and there is no point pulling family member up on their blabbermouth behaviour more than his comment of 'knowing date takes the surprise away which is why we wanted to keep it a secret' which has already been made. Dh is hurt that his confidence has been blown so I want to be careful not to hurt him anymore and my relationship with family member isn't wonderful at the moment. Family member is fabulously PA and their feelings are not to be hurt.

Do I make a similarly PA remark when we next see them about how lovely it was for my dad to find out his daughter was having major surgery via them. Or do I just walk away and mutter to myself about not trusting them with other information in the future? My normal style of being direct won't do it as I'll be accused of being confrontational.

[Dh and I have already had the conversation about challenging me when I've upset family member but not the other way round and that's been dealt with]

ProcrastinaRemNunc Fri 26-Dec-14 03:24:28

Don't make a passive aggressive remark about the way in which your dad found out. Say it straight or say nothing

What you describe is a massive breach of confidence and I, personally, would rather deal with it than not.

It is so frustrating when people find assertiveness confrontational but if this is the case, can you be both direct yet particularly calm/ gentle? not that they deserve it!

Elllimam Fri 26-Dec-14 03:30:47

I think if you want to go passive aggressive (beat them at their own game) I would pretend not to know who had told my dad and tearfully confide in PA relative that someone had blabbed the dates and how upset you are. That way they know you are upset but are fairly unlikely to tell all and sundry it was them who upset you.

Elllimam Fri 26-Dec-14 03:33:20

(and if they then accuse you of being confrontational you can say that you never dreamt it was them who blabbed!)

MidniteScribbler Fri 26-Dec-14 05:13:56

I'd just let it go, but then I find this whole secretive business surrounding pregnancy to be ridiculous. Telling some people something, and hiding it from others, and deciding who should get what tidbit just seems pathetic to me. Your poor dad was probably hurt that he had to find out from another relative who was privileged to be given information while he was left out. It's all just silly 'oh yes, we know what sex we're having, but we aren't telling you' bollocks. If it really must be a secret, then don't tell anyone. After all, as soon as you tell someone it's no longer a secret, but a silly game.

BathshebaDarkstone Fri 26-Dec-14 05:21:56

I probably wouldn't have told anybody, or I would have told everybody. Never ever tell the PA relative anything again. fhmm

rootypigsinblankets Fri 26-Dec-14 05:24:38

Agree with Midnite, ultimately your dad is hurt at something which is true, you chose to tell X and not to tell him.

I would say nothing and learn from it. Tell your dad you were trying to preserve the loveliness of the surprise for him (true?). And remember that when your precious LO arrives, that's all that will matter.

Purplepoodle Fri 26-Dec-14 06:48:49

Dh should have kept his mouth shut. Lesson learned put it behind you and don't tell pa relative anything

TobyLerone Fri 26-Dec-14 07:00:51

How ridiculous.

JeanSeberg Fri 26-Dec-14 07:05:10

Why didn't you want your dad to know?

The whole situation seems ridiculous. Do you secretly enjoy creating all this drama around nothing?

HoardingCrap Fri 26-Dec-14 07:27:01

Already apologised to my dad and said it wasn't anything personal against him and we hadn't publicised the date wildly and just excluded him.

Ultimately with a (non elcs) labour you have sod all knowledge of when dc is going to arrive and I suppose we were trying to keep a little of that. Plus there's no guarantee it's actually going to happen on the day as could get bumped by emergencies?

Will not say anything to relative- realise I'm being precious.

Balaboosta Fri 26-Dec-14 09:06:50

What are you going on about? You are creating drama where none exists. I have never heard of someone trying to keep birth date a secret in order for it to be a surprise. Not surprised your dad's upset. Get a grip.

Only1scoop Fri 26-Dec-14 09:11:06

Just say nothing and refrain from trusting them again with secrets.

Although I had an Elcs and didn't keep it secret. Your call though.

notagainffffffffs Fri 26-Dec-14 09:16:09

Youre having a baby, people are the nicest way possible: don't be so precious

TheReluctantCountess Fri 26-Dec-14 09:18:51

It's the hormones making you create a drama out of nothing. Relax.

Pico2 Fri 26-Dec-14 09:36:01

I asked on the pregnancy board about whether to tell everyone our ELCS date and the replies were really mixed, so it is perfectly normal not to share your date with others.

We are not telling everyone the date, just our parents.

When I tell someone that something is not to be shared, I tend to ensure that I have heard them acknowledge that. If your DH was that clear, then you are justified in having a go at them and telling them that you won't be sharing personal information with them again.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 26-Dec-14 09:39:41

I'd pick up the phone and ask them what the hell they thought they were doing.

hedwig2001 Fri 26-Dec-14 09:44:17

I would be making sure that PA relative, was the absolute last to receive details of the baby's weight, sex and any photos.

LadyLuck10 Fri 26-Dec-14 09:45:28

Yes all this secrecy is being precious. The date is confirmed, you should have told your dad. It was wrong to keep him in the dark. I would get over it.

jimmycrackcornbutidontcare Fri 26-Dec-14 09:53:34

I don't understand why some people think their due date is news worth protecting. It's not a royal baby. You don't need to keep the press at bay. A few people who care about you will be interested because they know it is important to you. They'll soon lose interest if you keep this attitude up.

flipchart Fri 26-Dec-14 10:00:17

Jesus, have you got a deal with OK magazine or something.

You are having a baby ffs.
You have created a load of drama with all your telling one person something, not telling another person.
You still want to create more drama by thinking about doing the PA stuff. Get a grip.

I've got family members like you and they are bloody annoying.

FuckYouChristmasAndThatClaus Fri 26-Dec-14 10:17:29

I don't think it's dramatic at all to keep the date a secret confused

Not wanting people to worry if they haven't heard news, not wanting pressure on dh to have to update everyone if you're bumped up the queue due to emergencies, isn't being dramatic. It's completely normal. I don't know anyone who has made their date public knowledge.

If you really wanted to be PA about it (which I don't advise), then you'd have to go down the "well, we now know who can't be trusted with a secret ever again" <forced laugh>.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying, "I'm really disappointed that you chose to share something you were told in confidence." And leave it there. Hopefully they would apologise and that would be the end of it.

vitabrits Fri 26-Dec-14 10:19:20

It's perfectly fine to want to keep your caesarian date quiet in my opinion. It's your private business. DP should not have told his mother.

FryOneFatManic Fri 26-Dec-14 10:30:20

I take it the family member is DP's mum.

And I don't think that keeping the date of an ELCS quiet is wrong. Been there, etc.

DP and I decided the same, keep it quiet. Only 4 people knew, our parents (but then, I can/could trust all of them not to blab).

It was exactly as a pp said, to avoid pressure to keep people updated, to avoid worrying others about no news, especially if I'd been bumped in the queue, etc, etc.

It wasn't done with a view to surprising people, though. And to be completely honest, not having to worry about other people at a time when I was undergoing what is classed as major abdominal surgery certainly kept the stress down for me.

WooWooOwl Fri 26-Dec-14 10:40:24

I wouldn't say anything. I think you have to accept some responsibility for this because if your DP can tell someone so that they aren't hurt at not knowing, then why didn't you do the same for your dad?

It was inevitable that someone would feel left out or snubbed when you have created a secret and only told certain parents? Don't you think that no matter what stirring relative did, that it might hurt your dad to know that your mums new partner knew when you were having a baby before he did?

I really don't think you can blame anyone else for this drama except yourselves.

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