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AIBU?

Are my friends or are we, and WWYD?

34 replies

passthedouche · 25/12/2014 23:54

We have some friends, known them about 8 months and we get on well with them and all our DCs adore each other. We spend a fair amount of time together but they can be a bit flaky/rude we think and it is getting frustrating. Things like my friend will say on message 'oh we are really missing you guys, it has been too long', I then suggest a plan to meet and she ignores me. This happens a LOT. I have stopped asking as much because of this. Months ago we had a bit of a drunken night and we were talking about Christmas Day (they don't celebrate it) we suggested they should come to us as we have no family here. It wasn't a formal invite or anything just a throwaway remark in Sept and we never mentioned it since. Anyway, last week I asked if they wanted to meet up over Xmas and they said they were free on Boxing Day. We said great, we are going to a restaurant at 12 so they can come with us to that or come back to our place afterwards. No response. I chased them up and still no response. It is now Boxing Day (we are in Oz) and we have no idea if they are coming or not. We think this is really rude, but I can imagine them thinking what's the big deal. They have form for this sort of thing and whilst it is annoying but tolerable on just a playdate type thing, on Boxing Day I think it really takes the piss. I sent yet another message, which I know they have seen, saying I really need to know if they are coming because of food and if they are joining us at the restaurant and no answer.

So am I being too uptight about plans and should just go with the flow a bit more or are they BU? If it is the latter what should i do about it? My DCs adore theirs so it would suck for them if the friendship stopped.

OP posts:

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passthedouche · 26/12/2014 00:11

We phoned and there is no answer...we are all sitting here as a family deciding what to do. Do we go out to the restaurant and run the risk that they are going to turn up at our house and their kids be really disappointed? But also we could hang around all day for them and they don't show (and we miss having a special meal out today). If they do show up I am worried about how to handle it (as I am feeling pretty resentful right now).
Ugh.

OP posts:

Ujjayi · 26/12/2014 00:15

I have had a similar situation and finally decided to stop chasing this "friend" after a year of being continually fobbed off/ignored after she had suggested getting together.

As much as you want to maintain the friendship, it takes all the fun out of it if you always have to chase. I hated that sense of just waiting for a response or waiting to receive a last minute "sorry, need to cancel" text.

Honestly, it isn't worth it.

sooperdooper · 26/12/2014 00:15

How rude! I'd text saying you're going to the restaurant and just go, and don't make plans with them again, it only takes 2 secs to just text back a reply or pick up the phone

mwalimu · 26/12/2014 00:16

Just go. You haven't got a plan with this other family. You invited them to spend time with you, they didn't reply. You can only take that as a decline imo

CumbrianExile · 26/12/2014 00:17

Go to the restaurant. If your friend turns up at yours is not your fault the dc's are upset. You have tried to contact them. Enjoy your meal

rollonthesummer · 26/12/2014 00:19

You've only known them for 8 months and they are flaky. I think you are more invested in the friendship than they are.

CassieBearRawr · 26/12/2014 00:21

Just go. They have had no contact, so assume it's a no. Don't make plans with them in future!

CaoNiMa · 26/12/2014 00:31

If you hadn't had a response from them since September about Boxing Day, I don't think it was worth sitting around wondering if they're going to show up. I'd call time on this friendship now, and enjoy Boxing Day with just your family! The friends sound flaky and annoying.

passthedouche · 26/12/2014 00:32

Yeah we are gonna go to the restaurant. I really hope they don't show up now as I am really miffed. I certainly will never be inviting them to do anything with us again. Final straw really. I have no problem with them not wanting to be with us, but she was so syrupy and 'oh we are free all day boxing day and would love to be with you guys doing anything really - beach, hang out at yours, restaurant - whatever, my dear friend' blah blah. Then nothing. Beginning to realise that she is a complete weirdo. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

passthedouche · 26/12/2014 00:33

No we first mentioned getting together over Christmas in September. The plans were discussed on Monday for today.

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 26/12/2014 07:31

Weird people. Definitely bin permanently.

Don't strop or flounce or be rude. Just be icily polite if she contacts you again and certainly don't make any arrangements with them.

If you do make arrangements and they let you down again then it becomes your fault. You know now what they are like.

I never tell my dcs who is coming over until I am absolutely certain they are coming. This is because I have experienced flaky people before and have found it very hard to explain it to my very upset dcs.

The dcs handle it just fine if people cancel due to illness or car problems.

MistAndAWeepingRain · 26/12/2014 07:57

So you've only known them 8 moths? They sound like way too much hassle for people you've known considerably less than a year - even if your DCs do get on. I would allow this friendship to fizzle out.

DoubleValiumLattePlease · 26/12/2014 08:12

Agree with everyone else - just let this one die a natural death - it's on it's last legs anyway. It's really not for you to be worried about their DC disappointment and please don't be putting your plans on hold for worrying about this. As someone said up there ^ just go ice on them. Stop chasing. Stop even trying. They're really not your friends.

ihatethecold · 26/12/2014 08:56

You sound nice op, your friends don't.

BathshebaDarkstone · 26/12/2014 09:00

What sooperdooper said.

HoHonutty · 26/12/2014 09:03

Unfortunately it sounds like these people aren't as keen on you as you are on them. I would certainly stop chasing them and wouldn't initiate anything else. How you have a nice day anyway.

SeasonsEatings · 26/12/2014 09:05

I hope you had a great time. Its freezing cold with ice everywhere in the UK! You sound lovely I would have loved to go to the beach with you.

Rosa · 26/12/2014 09:16

You are doing the right thing..have a great day

DraggingDownDownDown · 26/12/2014 09:45

I have this with "friends". "Oh, we must meet up"..... blah blah blah. Previously I would take them up on that and text dates etc etc. Now I don't bother. I reply that it would be lovely and for them to let me know some dates. 9/10 no-one bothers and I don't bother either.

I found it bruised my self-esteem when I was doing all the chasing as I felt I was practically begging people to see me. So I took the attitude that if they want to, then they will actually get in touch when they say they will.

I am a very organised person - which I know can annoy others - so I let others take the lead now.

However in some friendship groups they like me to organise the meetups as they know that a date will actually get sorted but the difference is that they ask me to do it and also reply ASAP to the dates. This then shows to me that they do actually value my friend ship and want to see me as much as I want to see them.

TheHatInTheCat · 26/12/2014 09:53

A throwaway comment in Sept, they haven't mentioned it since, ignored your messages and you were considering staying at home in the hope they will turn up?
I think you're the one who is weird to be honest.
You seem over invested and very needy.

Ujjayi · 26/12/2014 10:11

TheHatInTheCat - OP has said final arrangements were made on Monday this week. Read it properly before calling her names.

passthedouche · 26/12/2014 10:11

Update: We went out for a lovely lunch and came back to a message from them saying that they are sorry for the late reply but were just too busy to come afterall. Needless to say I won't be doing anything else with them again. You live and learn. Now't as queer as folk!

TheHat you have misunderstood. They contacted us on Monday to say they were free on Boxing Day and would love to do something with us.

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HermioneWeasley · 26/12/2014 10:24

They sound weird

Like dragging I had a friend who periodically got in touch and said "we muuuuuuuuust meet up! It's been toooooooo long!". So I would dutifully organise the group of 4 of us to get together and without fail the original friend and one other would drop out. For years now I have just met up with friend number 3 and when first friend starts her routine I just text back "yes we must!". After doing that a few times I stopped hearing from her. I still have absolutely no idea what it was about.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2014 10:31

Hope you enjoyed your lunch and I would personally let them do the running, they make the plans, you reply promptly and stick to what has been agreed. If they are totally flaky this may mean you do not see them again. I would say is they are not prepared to make any moved to keep the friendship going, so be it.

It is definitely them being unreasonable.

Italiangreyhound · 26/12/2014 10:33

Sorry ... I would say if they are not prepared to make any moves to keep the friendship going, so be it.

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