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To tell STBXH that this is the last xmas he spends with our DC?

(11 Posts)
IfNotNow Thu 25-Dec-14 11:13:41

Ok, I know I'm probably BU by saying that but that's exactly what I want to say to him.

We split over a year ago following 12 years of his EA and countless affairs. We agreed last xmas that we would alternate who would have them xmas day but the other parent would be allowed round to watch the DC open their presents.

This year it was his turn to have them. However, a month ago he told me he didn't have time to shop for their gifts read couldnt be bothered so he thought it best that I have them at mine and he would come round. Shortly after he then told me I should have them all day for Xmas dinner too but quickly changed his mind back when he discovered I would be spending Xmas with my BF. Not a problem from my perspective but he's decided he hates my BF despite never having met him and wouldn't willingly allow them to spend any time with him.

So he was supposed to turn up this morning but when I called him after the DC had woken up, he told me to go ahead and let them open their stuff and he would come round after to watch them play with their new things. The DC were upset about this so they called him and he turned up whilst they were unwrapping their last gifts.

I had bought him a couple of presents from the DC, he brought nothing. Fine. I tried to make him feel welcome offering him a drink etc but just 30 minutes after arriving he said he was going as he needed to get ready and I was to drop them off at his house. I also have made plans today and needed to get ready but I wasn't prepared to argue in front of the DC. So he went.

He then called saying he was coming for them and I better have them ready in 10 minutes. This was half an hour before I was supposed to get them to him. When he arrived he started arguing with me over the arrangements for the next few days, something we have already discussed and reached agreement on. I refused to discuss it further as I needed to get ready myself. He left telling me he hopes I choke on my Xmas dinner fhmm.

Ok, so I'm venting really as I'm absolutely sick to death of him being a cunt to me when frankly I don't think I've done anything to deserve it. I bend over backwards to accommodate his relationship with our DC and he's spoiled for me a day that I've put a lot of effort into when it wasn't really my 'turn'. It's akwats me putting in the effort for our DCs as he simply won't. I feel like telling him that as he can't put his selfishness to one side to ensure our DC's have a nice Xmas then he shouldn't be having them Xmas day at all. AIBU?

Ps. Merry Xmas everyone!

cansu Thu 25-Dec-14 11:21:37

God he sounds like a total numpty. I think I would say nothing for now. Next year set everything out in email beforehand and refuse to make changes. the only thing to comfort yourself with is that you are doing this for children and not for him. When the children are older they will soon recognise his crap behaviour for themselves. Sounds like he is being an arse to spoil your day due to jealousy no doubt so try and rise above it and don't get drawn in. I am betting he spent years when you were married to him ruining days and evening out for you.

Lweji Thu 25-Dec-14 11:27:13

I have learnt that lesson. Don't bend over backwards to accommodate abusers.
Be ubber bitch.

I think it's reasonable to establish very firm boundaries and keep to any agreement that you are happy with.
Don't have him at your home and don't discuss things with him.
If he foregoes his time, then he does it. Always have a back up plan.
And don't cover up for him.

He is being a bastard to you, but most importantly to the DC and accommodating him doesn't help in that respect. The firmer you are, the most likely it is that he sticks to agreements, IME.

NobodyLivesHere Thu 25-Dec-14 11:27:50

Yanbu. I'm currently sat in my bedroom in tears whilst my ex is downstairs with our children. Hes done zero of any of the Christmas prep, I invited him to stay last night and for dinner because I'm a fucking moron who never learns and since he's been here he's done nothing but complain, criticise and drink my beer.
Wish he'd fuck off. Sorry to thread Jack.

Lweji Thu 25-Dec-14 11:28:33

So, he was supposed to have them this year, and he declined. Next year it's your turn as initially agreed.

IfNotNow Thu 25-Dec-14 11:52:59

I'm so sorry you're going through similar nobody fsad. I've decided that this is the last year that I will 'share' Xmas with ex and that we can do proper alternating, ie. He has them one year, I have them the other.

That's good advice Lweji. I've struggled setting boundaries since we separated but I'm getting better. I don't know why I expected anything other than this just because its Xmas.

Cansu, yes, you're absolutely right. Even when we were together I did all Xmas prep and he woujd watch me do the marathon wrapping whilst watching TV and getting drunk. Nothing ever changes.

I feel better fit having a rant, thank you everyone flowers.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 25-Dec-14 12:56:39

Op why the hell did you bend over to accommodate him? I would have told him not to bother. If he changes his mind again, tough he does not see them today.

Jodie1982 Thu 25-Dec-14 14:00:35

I've never had my Ex Partner over at Xmas, he'll do his own stuff on Boxing Day with our Children, this yr it's my turn for Xmas day with them so tomorrow he'll pick them up for Boxing Day. He's probably got the hump that you have a new BF staying for Xmas. From now on keep it all separate from your home, don't have Ex over. It's much less hassle.

DraggingDownDownDown Thu 25-Dec-14 14:07:27

Keep any text or email messages with how he has kept changing plans this time incase you need them as proof later on.

YouTheCat Thu 25-Dec-14 14:24:27

In future, he either has them on Christmas day, all day, or he doesn't. You don't have to let him into your house.

Leave arranging contact up to him.

I had the ex over for a bacon sandwich this morning because he was driving me and dd to see ds (who's in residential accommodation). If he was going to be an arse over it, it wouldn't happen again though.

Madamecastafiore Thu 25-Dec-14 14:40:02

Stop picking up his slack.

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