AIBU to expect DH to get me a Xmas present that I haven't had to nag him about?

[QuietTiger]

This is probably going to be long in the interests of not drip feeding, and I am fully prepared to be told IABU, but I am currently very annoyed, so need some perspective.

DH is a very busy farmer. His family do not, and have never "done" Xmas. His DFather is a miserable, grumpy, sod who doesn't believe in Xmas or presents (quote from him this morning when I handed over gifts from DH & I - WTF do you want to waste your money on that crap for?), and DH always leaves stuff to the very last minute and panic buys after weeks of "have you gone Xmas shopping yet for my gift?" from me. (Last year he went out at 3pm on Xmas eve in a panic).

Xmas has always been a HUGE deal in my family, partly because my DFather used to have such austere Xmas's as a child. Think the other end of the spectrum to my DH.

DH is talking about working tomorrow morning as "he needs to get muck out" and "it's just another day". We are going to my family for lunch.

DH is usually as a rule, respectful, very considerate, helpful, kind and tries to do practical stuff (as an e.g. like make me toast and coffee for breakfast), that shows me he loves me, daily. I have no gripe with that. (It's important background and why I am prepared to be told IABU).

Last Thursday, DD was born by ECLS, so I can't drive at the moment. DH is very much a hands on dad, despite being hideously busy, helping with everything. We've been a bit flat out. (Again, why I'm prepared to be told IABU).

We've had plans to go into our local town this afternoon, a) so that we can run some errands and get to an appointment that we can't miss at 3.30, and b) so DH can buy something for me under the tree tomorrow - nothing huge, but something that I haven't chosen and bought myself and will be a surprise.

DH has just told me that he offered yesterday to run an errand for someone (call him X) today. X has a number of employees that can do the job, DH doesn't have to do it, but offered. I told him to ring X and get him to send someone, DH has refused. He is now running late - the likely hood is that now we'll make the appointment we need to, but do nothing else, which means DH won't manage to get any shopping done.

I've lost my temper with DH. I feel he's missing the point of why he should buy me a present, he thinks I'm making a fuss over nothing and that I'm being unreasonable. I am fed up of nagging him about Xmas presents. I am close to the point of telling him just to forget it, loosing my rag, making DH feel incredibly guilty and throwing all my toys out of the pram.

I need some perspective please.

[Needtoemigrate]

Could the errand not be sorting out a secret gift ???

[QuietTiger]

Highly unlikely knowing DH as it involves cattle calving!

[KatyMac]

Tricky because of the whole giving birth thing but my solution to this is here

It's so much easier and I actually get something I like

But as I say probably more suitable for next year sorry

[Happy36]

I would advise you to let this Christmas happen, however it happens, then speak to him in the autumn next year and let him know how important it is to you to have a thoughtful gift chosen well in advance. Perhaps ask if there is something important to him that you could do as well (at any time of year). If he is a good husband in all other respects I think there is not much you can say or do at 1.30pm on Christmas Eve that will have a positive outcome for either of you.

[peppapigonaloop]

I dont think yabu I can see why you are upset. You might be being a little more cranky than needed but you have just had a baby so that is fair enough!
In the long run though your DH clearly has no inclination to make xmas special, perhaps you need to accept this and find a way to deal with or so you have a fabulous xmas regardless!

[Sn00p4d]

I'd wait until tomorrow to be honest, give him the benefit of the doubt.
If you do wake up to nothing though I would be livid, he might be a wonderful husband and father but he does know Xmas is important to you so yanbu, but he hasn't technically done anything yet!
Either way have a lovely Christmas with your new dd!

[Theoretician]

Well, I'm with grumpy FIL. I don't think adults should get presents. It's a silly wasteful custom, because anyone with a job can buy and probably has bought themselves anything they actually want.

The Economist once quoted research that proved that recipients of presents put a lower value on them than their cost. In other words, the custom of present-giving is intrinsically value-destroying, you might as well set fire to the correct quantity of banknotes. (The exception obviously is that the ideal present is money, then people will get themselves something they do value.)

So I say YABU to think presents matter, and YABVVU to think they matter enough to be angry with anyone, especially someone nice.

[cansu]

I think you need to cut your losses this year. He doesn't see it as important. why not ask him to set some time aside after Xmas to go into town with you and buy something for you? I know you want him to make the effort and come up with small surprise but he obviously isn't going to. Plus what's the point getting something that has been given unwillingly and after a row? I am also pissed off that I have had to get all the kids presents and sort absolutely everything this year. Dp asked me the other day to buy myself some face cream from him in Boots. I told him to sod off tbh. I would rather not have something than be burdened with another errand. If it comes up again I will ask him for the cash and buy myself something that I want or need after Xmas. For me gifts are really for the children anyway.

[googoodolly]

Does it really matter when he buys you a present so long as it's ready for Christmas? I don't really see the difference between him buying it in November or today so long as he gets something thoughtful and something that's ready for Christmas.

[WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes]

I'm not really bothered about presents for myself but you've just had a section so nothing you could possibly say would be unreasonable.

[FinallyHere]

While I feel for you, since you have made clear what you want, I'm sure that different people put a different value on presents. DH loves presents: choosing, giving and receiving them. It's obvious to me that he equates them in some way with love. For me, though, I really just don't feel that way about presents, especially surprises.

We try to find a compromise together, and sometimes i feel a bit mean saying well, I'd really rather not have a surprise, thank you very much. I know what i like, 'Im happy to tell you about things I like but, please, I'm not a child anymore.

So, if its really important to you, i hope you can find a way that works for both of you. I'm probably agreeing with everyone upthread who said buy yourself presents. HTH.

[BarbarianMum]

YANBU. I won't say LTB cause obviously he is, generally-speaking, a great husband. However, if it upsets you that there is nothing under the tree then make it very clear to him on Christmas morning, don't just pretend its OK, don't lie to your family when they ask what you got. It's not OK - Christmas only comes once a year and baby's come with a 9 month warning. The fact is, he knows it's important to you and he'd rather help out a neighbour than do something he could have done on-line months ago.

[ZenNudist]

I can't get too excited about Christmas presents and dont think its worth actually rowing about on Christmas Day. If he hasn't been and bought you something today and you know there's going to be nothing for you to open I'd talk to him today.

Say that Christmas is important to you and he may wish to ignore it as he's been brought up to do but you do not. Your dd will also wish to celebrate. So he's going to need to start treating it as a holiday. Fair enough a farmer needs to work on Christmas Day. It's the down side to self employment in animal husbandry. That aside he needs to buy you a present.

Tell him he can make up for it by buying you a lovely push present in the new year. Jewellery. Expensive stuff!

[britnay]

Why don't you just put things that you would like (in correct size/style/colour etc) on an amazon wishlist. Then he can choose gifts for you, have them giftwrapped by amazon and delivered straight to your door all ready to go under tree.
Then you'll get something that you and he both know that you will like. Much easier for a busy farmer.

[fredfredgeorgejnr]

YABU, there's nothing special in christmas in your DH's eyes, he does all the important things and doesn't spend money on a gift (he even seems happy that you're upsetting his father buying gifts, I wouldn't be!) The way he treats you every day of the year is what matters, not if he gets you something that's a "surprise" on chistmas day.

Accept your DH for the person he is, he's not into christmas presents.

[QuietTiger]

Thank you all for your comments - it's helped me get a sense of perspective. Much appreciated. DH is generally pretty fab about most things, will just have to work my way around this issue. I suspect it is far more my problem than his, so once again, thanks for input.

[Fabulous46]

I can empathise OP. I grew up on farms as did DH, however our families were completely different when it came to Christmas. Mine celebrated, his didn't. My DH is very like yours, he's very kind ie makes me breakfast in bed, used to do all the nightshifts with the kids etc. He just never grasped Christmas or buying presents though! It was just that he was too busy to get to the shops. I remember very soon after we'd had our second child screaming at him for never buying me a Christmas present. He looked so hurt. I've never actually ever had a shop bought present from DH in 26 years! However, the bench he made for me to sit on up on the hill, the pond he built, the fence made of my horses shoes welded together amongst other hand made gifts mean more to me than any bottle of perfume.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas.