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to think my family are utter c**ts?

(40 Posts)
BubbleGirl01 Wed 24-Dec-14 13:17:57

I fell with my mother last year due to some quite serious stuff that happened in my childhood and that which I felt I needed to talk to her about. She decided to cut me off totally and my siblings and extended family swiftly followed suit. This has been really hard emotionally for me.

After my mother told me that I was not part of 'her' family anymore I told her not to bother contacting my 4DC then as until she resolved her issues with me. A few months later I sent her an email stating that I was wrong to say that (I was extremely angry at her) and I would facilitate contact with my DC even though she did not want any contact with me for their sakes as they had been asking why we had not seen her for a long while.

That was in May and I got absolutely no response.

A few weeks ago DD said she wanted to send Christmas cards to my family. I was a little bit put out but got over it and told her to do whatever she felt to do.

She contacted my sister on facebook asking for everyone's addresses (very large family, scattered everywhere and I had not kept their addresses). Sister would only give out another sister's address and refused to give her's or my mother's address. When DD asked why she went into a foul mouthed rant saying that it was me pretending to be DD doing this and that I was sick and disgusting. She then blocked DD on facebook.

DD was unperturbed so sent all the cards to other sister with a covering letter saying that it was her that wanted to contact them not me! After the facebook thing, I had told DD to just leave it but she wouldn't.

She is very angry about this too as she was reasonably close to my mother and has just turned 18 (absolutely no birthday wishes from anyone on my side of the family).

Anyone the christmas cards would have arrived at least a week ago. DD put her number on the letter so they could contact her directly and no one has sad.

TBH I had finally started to get over being cut off and was feeling pretty OK about it (the grief, and it was grief, was lifting) but this has brought it all back again. Not only me being snubbed but my children as well.

Well am I BU?

Cauliflowersneeze1 Wed 24-Dec-14 13:21:57

What nasty people
I'd be furious too if they upset my children
Perhaps it's time to move on

Ridingthestorm Wed 24-Dec-14 13:26:09

Your daughter is 18. Still a child in your eyes but clearly an adult and behaving very much so like a better adult than your family.
Try not to be hurt. You said yourself your wer moving forward. Keep doing so. Don't stop your daughter trying to get in touch. TBH, she wil realise the hard way, unfortunately, that your family are not worth your time, your love or your respect.
Concentrate on the family that are still in your life.

perplexedpirate Wed 24-Dec-14 13:27:58

I think you have just been proved absolutely correct in cutting these spiteful people out of your life.
Poor you, and poor your DD. She did a brave thing there and they acted like snidey cowards.
They don't deserve any of you.
Have a very merry Christmas with your girls.

CaptainAnkles Wed 24-Dec-14 13:29:28

I'm sorry they're so hard towards you and your children. I hope your Dd can accept that they're not worth her time - she knows she's tried and been snubbed then she won't feel like she is in any way to blame.

WooWooOwl Wed 24-Dec-14 13:32:32

There will be two sides to this story, and while your dc should be left out of it, you brought them into it by telling your family they couldn't have contact with them. These things are always complicated, and usually much more so than just one side is in the wrong and the other is the only injured party.

Your dd has had her answer for now, and so have you. Try and move on with each other as family, you don't need to focus on people that bring you down.

FishWithABicycle Wed 24-Dec-14 13:36:25

How old is this DD?
I think you are right about your family but you can't do anything about it, and reaching out to them seems to only be antagonistic so best stay NC.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 24-Dec-14 13:40:22

They are foul and toxic, you have every right to go NC with them, and your dc will get the measure of them, as your dd has witnessed. Are your younger dc still children, I would not want them to have contact with such toxic people, just try to look forward and concentrate on your family, you your d/dh and dcs.

Quitelikely Wed 24-Dec-14 13:43:28

Well you said you were in the wrong, did you say something unforgivable? What was it?

And no IMO you should not have involved your children and the reason why is in your post.

You should explain to your children what you said about your mother not being able to see them so they know that the error was on you.

They don't just have to jump y'know just because you decided to stop using your children as a weapon, which is what you did. You said to them 'you won't be seeing the DC anymore' and basically just because they refuse to let you dictate you are slating them on MN.

Happy36 Wed 24-Dec-14 13:45:34

You are reasonable to be very angry, disappointed and sad about the way your family has treated their niece and granddaughter. I am so sorry to hear this.

BubbleGirl01 Wed 24-Dec-14 13:54:51

Well WooWooOwl there is always two sides to the story and I have tied myself in knots putting myself in my mother's position but as the childhood stuff was to do with me being sexually abused and blamed for it from the age of 7-10 years old, severely emotionally and physically abused and scapegoated, and prevented from having contact with my real father (there are several fathers in my sibling group), I can't really. This arose from me having to go into therapy for severe anxiety and panic attacks. I had no choice other to open the 'pandora's box' as I could not function effectively for my DC. It was all stuff I had always known happened about but buried away until I confronted it because I had no choice.

My mother cut me off because that was easier that accepting what a shit mother she was and still is. She has turned my siblings against me as they will not accept she is anything other a fucking goddess! She survived on stale bread, worked 24 hours a day, broke her back for us blah, blah, blah. They do not know what was said, they refused to talk to me about it, they only have what my mother has told them to go on.

When my mother cut me off, I don't know how she expected to have contact with my DC and as it is she has not made any effort to, certainly she has not asked to. I offered it off my own back.

I had moved on and was looking forward to a Christmas where I was not desperately hoping for just a simple text saying 'Merry Christmas' from any of them.

I am proud of DD for doing this as it proves that I have not 'poisoned' her against them. My 33 year old sister refused to meet me earlier this year to discuss this as to do so would upset my mother (her words).

I think DD hoped that she could bring us back together again. I feel terrible for her sad.

BubbleGirl01 Wed 24-Dec-14 14:03:28

Can I also just add that before all this I had never put a foot wrong. No teenage rebellion, drugs, booze, criminality. Worked hard, married, had DC (lost one at birth). Never asked for any help with anything. I was a bloody mouse, never spoke out, was desperate for my mother's approval, organised birthday celebrations etc.

I desperately needed her help coming to terms with the stuff I mentioned above though but she cut me off, plain and simple!

speechiesusie Wed 24-Dec-14 14:09:37

Shame on those people on here judging you.

'There will be two sides to every story.'

Sorry - not always. To people saying that - just because your own parents/families weren't absolute c***s, doesn't mean that other people share your experience. Some of us had horrendous parents - I'm sorry if you can't believe that.

Bubble girl - they won't change. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Have a nice glass of something and accept it. Your life is infinitely better without them and that's all there is to say. Accept and move on.

You're not alone.

McSantaPaws Wed 24-Dec-14 14:19:37

OP I highly recommend you go on to the stately homes thread. Lots of experience of toxic mothers/families and all the attendant dysfunctional behaviour.

You sound like you're having a tough time. Your DD sounds very balanced not dysfunctional and therefore a credit to you.

timetoplay Wed 24-Dec-14 14:20:05

They are cunts, vile delusional ones.

In regards to your DD, she is an adult and knows her own mind but is she fully in the know of why you are NC? It's very important she is so she can make an informed decision. I once couldn't understand why someone went NC with her relation, he seemed like such a lovely man and she just vaguely glossed over saying it was something that happened years ago. I asked her if she wanted me to NC because I saw him often she said it was my choice and with what she told me it sounded like she was unreasonable and petty. I was horrified and furious when she admitted he has raped her. I had still engaged with him, I felt a shitty unsupportive friend and it messed with my head. Had I known from the start, and I do appreciate that my friend felt she couldn't tell me at first, I would have cut him off. I can't describe the guilt you feel in that sort of situation and if your DD doesn't completely know then you are putting her in that position which is unfair on her and you. She can't support you if she's ignorant.

Sallyingforth Wed 24-Dec-14 14:26:54

*'There will be two sides to every story.'
Sorry - not always.*

But unless we can hear what the OP's family might say, it would be wrong for any outsider to attempt a judgement other than to say it is a very sad and unfortunate situation.

All credit to DD for trying to find her own way through it.

paperlace Wed 24-Dec-14 14:38:34

I think OP suffering the terrible trauma of childhood sexual abuse and her mother cutting her off s enough for me to not question her, Sallying. Jesus.

OP carry on what you're doing - getting stronger, looking after your own. Your daughter sounds brave, strong minded and family orientated. I'm sorry if she's upset or despondant over this - but you are her real family.

Sorry for all the shite your 'mother' has put you through x

DoJo Wed 24-Dec-14 14:42:48

They are cunts, and it is a shame, but try and see the positive - if they had contacted your daughter and tried to maintain a relationship with her, then they would probably have turned on her at some point in the future as well. Now she knows that they aren't worth her time or energy, and can save herself the heartache of being put through the emotional ringer by them, as it doesn't sound like they are the kind of people who will be able to resist putting you down and bringing up the row whenever they get a chance. She has now been spared that as they have shown their true colours right from the off, and you have had a timely reminder that these people are no good for you and that your relationship with them is not a healthy one (which you already know of course, but sometimes it helps to have someone else see people in the way you do).
It's awful and they are cunts, but you don't have to worry about them coming back into your life via your daughter and she can be reassured that she made an effort and now knows that it's simply not worth it. I hope you manage to put all this aside and have a happy christmas. flowers

Sallyingforth Wed 24-Dec-14 15:11:13

I've just done jury service. If we had reached our verdict after hearing the very convincing prosecution case, an innocent man would have gone to jail.

flippinada Wed 24-Dec-14 15:33:00

Sorry to read this OP. Based on what you've said yanbu at all.

I would take a look at stately homes as you will find support on there.

Please don't take any of the horrible comments on here to heart, hope you're ok.

timetoplay Wed 24-Dec-14 15:34:39

You're not doing Jury Service now poster Sallyingforth, don't you think that perhaps you should try supportive rather than pedantic or just not post at all?

Sallyingforth Wed 24-Dec-14 15:45:26

The OP describes a very sad situation. But it's one person's point of view against a whole family on the other side.
There is nothing 'pedantic' about wanting to understand the whole situation before drawing conclusions from it.
Again, I applaud the DD for trying to find her own way through.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 24-Dec-14 15:46:58

There are no two sides to abuse emotional or physical. As Bubble has stated in her opening post it was concerning serious stuff in her childhood, so common sense would dictate she suffered some kind of harm which her mum Mabey failed to protect her from. Her subsequent posts reveal this. Bubble I would be open to your dd, I would cut your mum and sisters out.

Aeroflotgirl Wed 24-Dec-14 15:50:47

There is absolutely no excuse to,abuse a child, no two sides, tge op was between 7-10 years old, a young child. Her mum blamed her for it. Sorry whatever you think there are toxic people in the world who should never be parents. The news is full of them, who harm or cover up chikd abuse.

timetoplay Wed 24-Dec-14 15:51:24

The OP was sexually abused as a child, your words and mention of 'an innocent man' are grossly offensive and imply disbelief. There are no two sides when it comes to child abuse, it is in every way 'pedantic' to question.

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