to be really peeved with my DH? LONG, sorry!(33 Posts)
Just a rant more than anything........ as I think I ANBU but I'm sure my DH thinks I am!
My DH is notoriously bad with money, he thinks nothing of wandering into Tesco / M&S Food, spending £100+ and coming out with enough to cook 2 meals and a load of tat inc £4 a pack ham that gets chucked in the bin because it doesn't get eaten in time, posh individual cheesecakes, party food, you get the idea.
He also really spoils his 2DD's 10 and 14, (My DSD's), mainly trying to make up for their useless Mother (she's an alcoholic and is always building up the kids hopes then letting them down, long story), which I have no problem with as long as we can afford it.
We are currently trying to save a house deposit (so we can be nearer the , well to be exact, I have saved £7k and my DH has put in £1k, but asked for £200 of that back 2 weeks ago as he "needed" a new part for his car.
He is a mechanic and earns OK ish money, plus homers but is always being "skint" 2 weeks after payday despite never ever saying no to the girls, even if they don't ask for anything he still insists on spending at least £80 on a trip to the pictures / bowling + a meal at least once a week and spending at least £100 a month on clothes for them. Again I have no problem with this WHEN we have the money. He would rather die than say "no sorry kids we can't afford it" if they asked to go see
I know a lot of people will say we are married so should share finances, but I refuse to for the reasons above, plus his credit rating is trashed (mainly to do with his ex in fairness, tho he certainly hasn't helped)
and mine is great. The new house purchase will be in my name alone.
OK so that's the back story (sorry!)
The last couple of weeks things have been a bit tight in terms of disposable income, but we got all the presents paid for blah blah blah. I let him use my credit card (apx £200) and he said he had a pot of £ from jobs he had done with a mate after work and that would be getting split this week and he would pay me back then.
Anyway he took the kids to the pictures last weekend (I stayed in to sort the house) , and as soon as I came through the door my heart sank. He was laden down with bags from Marks and Spencers, Next, blah blah blah. At a guess he had spent circa £300 on Christmas outfits for the kids (even though he bought them both a new xmas outfit a few weeks ago), extra Christmas presents for people we have already bought plenty for, and loads of snack food from marks and spencers. He then pulls out a "present" for me, a £18 candle, and gives me a kiss. I felt like screaming, honestly.
Then today I speak to him and ask for the money so I can pay the credit card and he goes all quiet. I said I thought he was getting the £ from the pot at work and he says " well I used that last week (ie. for the shopping trip) as I was a bit skint", then doesn't say anything for a couple of seconds and begrudgingly says "ok I'll get it for you".
He said to me previously he wants to have a minimum of £500 put aside, so we can have days out with the kids over the holidays........
He just seems to splurge money like water and live a champagne lifestyle, while I put all my spare money towards a new house (and tbh the only reason we are moving is so that DSDs can be nearer their school and friends, I'm leaving the area where all my friends are and I love living in). If it was left to him the new house would NEVER happen. I just feel like he'd rather buy the kids another new outfit rather than put it towards a house so they can be nearer their school and friends.
Again, sorry just a rant really....... He's not all bad, I guess we just have differing attitudes to money (hence why we keep our finances separate)
I don't really have too much advice? I'd be annoyed too - so YANBU on that front. But, I do know from when we applied for a mortgage a year a go, that single applications from a couple are frowned upon. It would be a good idea for him to look at his credit rating in detail and ask for amendments where appropriate.
Mouthfulofquiz........ I have spoken to a broker and she said it shouldn't be a problem. He has behaving himself recently on the credit rating front, but there's no danger of it all being sorted so he's credit worthy within the next 2 years.
Would it help if you both sat down and agreed a budget? My DH can be a bit like this, if he has money he spends it and has nothing to show for it (lunches out, cheap tat, that sort of thing).
So our solution was to work out a budget, including how much we can realistically save each month, how much is needed for bills, and how much is disposable. We then use the cards for food shopping and fuel only, and our disposable money is in cash. We take out an agreed amount on payday and when it's gone, it's gone. He can't keep track of what's going on cards, whereas with money he can see it dwindling.
FBR - I think I'm being too soft.
The youngest starts high school next august so the plan was to try and be somewhere near the school by then, as we currently stay in my flat about 8 miles away, so he has to drive them to and from school everyday.
He keeps saying how great it twill be to have more room and not have to do the 2 return journey trips 5 days a week.
I've just about hit the 50% mark, so maybe once I reach that I'll just sit back and say the rest is up to him. Maybe that will spur him into action.
Chronic - Usually I have no problem with him spending his £ on what he wants. He gives me the £ for his half of the bills, job done. It's just that the house fund and lack of saving on his part is getting on my wick.
But yes, you're right, I'll sit him down after Christmas and say we need to get something sorted out.
Reeky........ Father buys his 2 daughters new clothes with his own money and StepMother returns them. Can't see that going down to well, can you? On here or IRL
Second what mouth said. YANBU but would also ask you to think about a couple of things over Christmas and if possible hold off until the New Year to talk about it to DH in case it leads to a row. You and DH are probably the stable ones in the girlss' eyes so it would be a shame for Christmas to be spoiled by a barney over money.
If you are happy where you are and DH's priority is maximising the girls' day to day living experiences (and expenses by the sounds of it!) then maybe you need to have a chat about the whole moving house situation. Maybe it's better to stay where you are and maybe consider a set amount to be saved for a rainy day (more kids, holidays, renovations) and a family entertainment budget for cinema trips, bowling, meals out, concerts etc Maybe the kids themselves would get involved in this (along the lines of understanding costs of things and checking to see do they have enough in their "account"). They might teach their Dad a thing or two!
I hope this doesn't spoil Christmas for you. I know it must be frustrating and at times it must feel like you are dealing with a child who has access to a credit card BUT how great is it that DH adores his girls and wants so desperately, however misguided his methods, to make up for what's missing in other areas of their lives.
Definitely get to half way then sit back. If you do it for him he'll never learn he has to do it.
He sounds like my wife tbh, I think all couples have something that annoys them about their spouse and this is a problem in our house, sometimes I shrug my shoulders other times we bicker....such is life...
Thanks Justhavinabreak....... I know you've nailed it on the head there. He loves his girls with all his heart which I know it is fantastic quality to find in a man, but I jus think he looks at the here and now too much rather than the bigger picture (ie making cut backs for a few months so they be next to their friends and not have to get up at 630 so he can drop them at his mums, which is next to their school and then make it to work on time).
I feel if I tell him to stop buying them new shoes when they already have 6 pairs each, or to go to Tesco for sweets before the cinema rather than spending £25 in there, I'll look like the bad guy. But at the end of the day I want what is best for us all in the long run.
It's not just buying things for the kids it's his spending in general.
Again, you're right, I'll leave it until after Christmas and then have a chat with him.
lottie under our system, savings come out first so you spend what is left, rather than trying to save what you haven't spent by the end of the month.
You can't say he can spend his £ on what he wants but then be annoyed with his lack of saving. Either he can continue spending his money on what he wants (which means it's his choice whether to save or spend) or you make it clear that you have saved half and you expect him to save the other half. If he doesn't have a problem with handing over bill money then it might help him to think of it not as savings but specifically as 'house fund' and pay a set amount each month as if it were a loan payment or something.
Chronic's advice is what I would suggest. We have a budget spreadsheet including all bills and planned savings. Once those are paid you know what you have left. From what you've said I don't think your dh means any harm, but if there is money there then he will spend it. So get the money elsewhere. An honest discussion is needed.
Sounds like your DP has an easy ride. How nice for him - lives in your flat, spends your money, has you saving whilst he's out frittering. I'd be getting rid of him to be honest! Sounds like the best thing he could do for his daughters is spend out on a decent solicitor if their time with their mother is so awful, he feels he needs to make up for it with clothes and outings to this extent. Why doesn't he go for residency?
Been there. OH gives me all his money now except for a set amount each week as his spending money. He says it's a relief as he knows it's his to spend. He cut up his credit cards and is slowly paying off the balance
Wobbly thanks for the suggestion that I leave him (or that would be throw him and the kids out as its my flat and we've only been married six months), I'll mull that one over tonight! Also I didn't say he / we didn't have residency of the kids, did I?
So you want him to save up for a house that will be solely in your name?
Even if you put the house in your name it would still be 50% his because you are married!
After chatting with your dh to ensure he does really want to move then I agree you need to have a family discussion about money for "treats" - would the girls really like to move house if it means less going out, fewer clothes etc.? Then chat about how much weekly allowance there is for trips out and clothes over and above school uniform and underwear etc.
Yes I know the house would be "ours" even though it's in my name. If it could be "ours" officially as in a joint mortgage then it would be but as I have explained that's not possible.
And yes he definitely does want to move. We are eight ish miles away from the girls school and friends the now. Plus the girls r sharing a tiny cramped bedroom here. My flat was only supposed to be a temporary stop gap.
We have teen children and have given THEM an allowance for clothes, shoes etc. Then plan an entertainment allowance for the family. Agree it as a family, not just with him. You need to get the teens on board. They then have their own money to budget with, and will learn to save and manage. He too will have a budget. If they also want to move somewhere more spacious and nearer their school, they might be interested in helping - "No, Dad, we already have enough shoes, put that in the house pot".
They will grow up a bit and might help to police him. It sounds as if he is spending out of guilt and wanting them to be happy. Kids just want time, not money, on the whole. They need to get involved with teaching him this.
Well it sounds like the move would be benefit all of you and save money and hassle on the school run.
I completely agree that you need to get the girls on board and have spending allowance. I would be quite factual - we need to save another £k to have a deposit and then after that we will only have £y per week. How shall we make the deposit happen, what shall we do differently?
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