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was SIL rude ?

(231 Posts)
EvilTendency1 Tue 23-Dec-14 23:39:58

Friend told me today what happened at her place last weekend.

Her and her husband had put on a Christmas meal early for his side of the family (parents are deceased and it's only her DH's brother and his family)

They have two children and her in laws have three, so 5 children under 8, youngest is 4.

The 4 yr old starts to announce that she is hungry and wants some crisps, she wanders into the kitchen and starts looking in cupboards looking for them, my friend tells her neice 'Dinner will be 5-10 mins, so no I won't be giving out crisps - won't be long though ! " in a cheery voice.

Child complains to her mother, so friends SIL comes into the kitchen "Where are some crisps ? Mary is hungry." Friend starts to plate up, won't be long. SIL sniffs and says "Mary will have the crisps thanks, she's hungry now." then starts to look in cupboards and finds some, opens them and Mary gets her crisps.

10 mins later Mary doesn't want her dinner - she's not hungry now.

Pudding is served and Mary starts helping herself to things from the table and complaining that she wants other things as well. Friends DH announces then at the table to his neice "Mary, you didn't eat any dinner and in this house that means you don't get any pudding."

Mary bursts into tears and all hell breaks loose, SIL demands that her BIL apologise THIS instant for talkinf to a child that way and no one dictates to her child what she can and can't eat.

They leave 10 mins later and children are crying etc as their cousins are leaving halfway through a meal etc.

She told me she found her SIL actions really rude and doesn't want to see her again. I did admit I found her DH's comments a bit rude and I would have challenged him as well if someone spoke to my child like that.

Was the SIL being unreasonable and over reacting do you think ? I find it bloody rude to feed a child crisps right before a meal though and would have made my own dcs eat their dinner - there would have been no alternative s offered I'm afraid.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Tue 23-Dec-14 23:44:05

I think SIL was being idiot for not waiting 5 mins and giving the kid crisps. Her DH's comments were fair enough, she didnt eat dinner, if she was hungry for pudding then shes hungry for dinner.

missknows Tue 23-Dec-14 23:45:13

They were both rude. If someone tried taking crisps from my kitchen without permission when I am plating their food I'd stop them.

If someone else told my child that they couldn't have dessert when i was present to parent myself I'd be furious. It was Christmas dinner too, not just a random meal.

timetoplay Tue 23-Dec-14 23:45:36

SIL is vv unreasonable and rude for helping herself. Mary sounds a bit spoiled by her parents to get what she wants when.

Not sure if I find the DH rude or not, if the parents are letting the child dictate I would be annoyed at a meal being left and puddings scarfed- i doubt i'd say anything given the occasion but I wouldn't hurry to have them over again.

IDontDoIroning Tue 23-Dec-14 23:47:27

sil was rude first when she went ahead and got her dd the crisps.

I assume the DH was pissed that his niece supported by her mother git to turn up her nose at a meal cooked by his wife, contrary to what his own children would be allowed to do.

I think he was reasonable but some may say he was rude but in no was as rude as the sil in the first place.

TrendStopper Tue 23-Dec-14 23:51:14

I would have said the same as the dh. In my house you don't get pudding unless you eat your tea, a bag of crisps is not tea.

I would also have told sil to put the crisps back. Who the hell helps themselves to food in other peoples houses?

oswellkettleblack Tue 23-Dec-14 23:51:19

The one who gave her the crisps was totally rude.

lessonsintightropes Tue 23-Dec-14 23:54:21

SIL massively rude first by ignoring wishes of host dishing up - waiting 5 mins wouldn't have been a major problem, or shouldn't have been.

KatieKaye Tue 23-Dec-14 23:55:20

I feel sorry for the child with a mother like that.
The crisps thing was crazy and very rude to go rifling through someone else's cupboards.
And DH was quite right to tell her what the house rules are. It's his house after all and he was probably fed up with the child's behaviour and the way SIL did nothing about it. His children are expected to abide by the same rules after all. SIL was just huffy because she seems to facilitate the child's behaviour. From what was said she lets the child do anything.
If SIL had been parenting it might have been a bit tactless of him, but not wrong in his own home. As SIL wasn't parenting he was quite right.
Maybe SIL will make more of an effort to actually parent from now on and learn how to set boundaries. Meal times would be a lot more pleasant for everyone.

oswellkettleblack Tue 23-Dec-14 23:56:27

'I did admit I found her DH's comments a bit rude and I would have challenged him as well if someone spoke to my child like that. '

In his own house? I would have shown you the door. It's not like he took her the lav and spanked her.

LifeHuh Tue 23-Dec-14 23:56:53

SIL definitely rude to rummage around for food and take crisps in somebody else's kitchen.
Friends DH unreasonable to try to enforce a food rule out of the blue on somebody else's child, not normally subject to that rule.
TBH, how was that ever going to turn out well? Did he think child and parents would just shrug and say ok?better to let it go at a festive family meal, however annoyed he was.

Tinks42 Tue 23-Dec-14 23:57:24

Sounds like total rudeness on the part of the adults, and yes Mary has no boundaries due to this. She is spoilt and it will do her no favours in the long run.

The DH was within his rights to tell Mary she cant have the desert.

Clobbered Tue 23-Dec-14 23:58:53

I'd say it's their loss if they want to behave so rudely - they will quickly find that they are not welcome in other people's homes if that is how they carry on.

Pooka Tue 23-Dec-14 23:59:28

Both in the wrong. The SIL and the DH.

I wouldn't help myself to crisps for the dcs. But equally, if I were hosting, I wouldn't impose my own usual rules on guests, including children. And particularly not at a special meal.

Bearing in mind that Mary is 4, is probably used to grazing and different rules at home, it's not her fault that she fancied pudding. It's a bit steep to expect that her habits will be addressed in a single meal, and as the grown up I'd expect the dh not to be deliberately grumpy and rigid under the circs.

So on balance, I think the dh behaved worse, although the SIL didn't help matters in the beginning.

You don't know whether Mary would have eaten the meal even if she had been thwarted with the crisps.

I am a tired and resigned mother of a mixture of fussy eaters/excellent eaters who have all been raised similarly and yet have differing attitudes to food/meal times/grazing etc.

Songofsixpence Tue 23-Dec-14 23:59:42

SiL was very rude. Awful behaviour

I would have told her to put the crisps back and to stop rooting through my cupboards. 5 minutes wouldn't kill her

I also agree with the DH too. No dinner, no pudding

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark Wed 24-Dec-14 00:00:39

Difficult to tell without having been there. Sil sounds rude but maybe her kids were starving as they'd travelled along way to be there and not been offered anything. The dh sounds to have overreacted re the pudding.

BackforGood Wed 24-Dec-14 00:01:25

The parent of the spoilt child was very, very rude indeed.
I don't think the dh said anything out of order.

(Not sure who SiL is confused)

a) there is no way a child should be routing through cupboards in someone else's house
b) there is no way a child (well, anyone) should be having a bag of crisps as dinner is about to be served
c) even if the hosts were doing / saying something odd - which they weren't here - then it's for the guests to suck it up and the adult guests to teach the child guests some manners / etiquette
d) in light of such appalling display of behaviour from the guest family, the host parent was well within his rights to explain the rule to the guest child - even if that's not what they do at home, when they are guests elsewhere, they should learn they then follow those rules
e) the parent of the rude child was then incredibly rude and childish to storm out at that point.

I can't believe anyone would think the host Dad was out of order!

randomAXEofkindness Wed 24-Dec-14 00:10:49

The sil shouldn't have taken the crisps - that was cheeky. Your friend's dh shouldn't have told his niece that she couldn't eat the pudding while her mother was present to parent her - that was offensive.

I think they were both badly behaved; but that deigning to parent another person's child while the parent is present, when the behavior in question is of no significant consequence, is really pushing it; and if I was the sil, I'd be quite rightly pissed off.

I couldn't support anybody being seriously pissed off by a packet of crisps though grin

Pancakeflipper Wed 24-Dec-14 00:13:31

Both SiL and DH for reasons already stated.

LifeHuh Wed 24-Dec-14 00:15:29

If you are going to enforce your family rules on other people's children at the very least you need to tell parents and children in advance that you're going to do that.And personally I think it is rude as a host to enforce family food rules on your guests.And I would be cross if you did it with my child when I was there.(not that mine would have been allowed to behave like that- but still!)

Tinks42 Wed 24-Dec-14 00:17:32

As guests surely you abide by the hosts rules?

fluffling Wed 24-Dec-14 00:21:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lessonsintightropes Wed 24-Dec-14 00:23:44

LifeHuh and others who think the DH was in the wrong - really?! If you were invited to someone's house, they are about to dish up some food - and your partner rootles uninvited for snack food, then feeds it to your child, who then refuses the main course - can you not see how unacceptable this behaviour is? For a small toddler, perhaps, for a four year old, no. Mary either wasnt' fed appropriately to be so starving hungry she couldn't wait for five minutes, or she could have been held back from the snacks.

Tinks42 Wed 24-Dec-14 00:24:11

Surely you dont go into other peoples homes and open cupboards etc. tell the host that your children won't abide by their family rules? unbelievable. Thats just ill mannered.

BackforGood Wed 24-Dec-14 00:26:20

Am glad of the last few posts - I often think, on MN that I'm on a completely separate planet from some folks.
I can't believe that anyone is saying anything other than the parent of the rude child was being exceptionally rude, and that the dad of the host family was extremely restrained, tbh.

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