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DD, her Dad his girlfriend and Christmas presents

(28 Posts)
FFSletmechangemyname Tue 23-Dec-14 21:24:54

Ok so I don't know if I am being UR or not. I'll try and keep it short.

DD1 and is 12, I am not with her dad we broke up when she was a baby and am married to DH.
Ex has a girlfriend and they have a baby together and live together.

DH always takes her shopping and buys her presents for me for bday and Xmas, ex has never done this ( brought presents for me) .

I have DD2 and DS1 also.

So today it dawns on me she hasn't got a present for her dad so I text his girlfriend and ask if she on the off chance has brought him anything, she says no but can sort it. I say thanks.
She then asks if this is now her job as she did his bday, (I hadn't even realised). I say yes please if she doesn't mind and she has then got uppity saying she does but if she has to she will.

This then gets my back up and pisses me off because he's never done it for me, 2 he has never paid a penny towards her and DH has done all that.

I never said that obviously just said well if it's a problem I will get DD to do it as she is old enough now really.
But also he isn't really on my list of priorities so hadn't really thought about it until today and I get DD isn't her daughter so not her responsibility. However I had also thought she should have got something for her sister and I was hoping her dad would have sorted that.
I then get back but he only sees her 2 days every 2 weeks.

This is his choice and he can have her whenever he likes he only has to ask and I said as much but haven't heard anything else so far.

Before she came on the scene 2-3 yrs ago I did used to get him something small but haven't brought him anything for yrs and should have just kept my mouth shut really.

As not to drip feed I cannot go to CSA because he is self employed and says he isn't earning much but he earns loads just refuses to pay anything for her and I would never stop him seeing her for this reason.

So AIBU to have let this piss me off ? I get DD isn't her DD but surely she should be thought of as much as part of their family as she is ours and that factored in when buying presents.

minklundy Tue 23-Dec-14 21:28:08

If he pays nothing he gets nothing. Simple.

LadyLuck10 Tue 23-Dec-14 21:28:19

I'm not sure why you contacted her in the first place. When you realized this you could have just got your dd to get something as there is still time.

wheresthelight Tue 23-Dec-14 21:30:18

dp's ex wife hasn't bought him a thing fro. their kids since they split! and he always made sure bought her things from them.

the second she moved in with her dp (om) dp decided he wasn't prepared to do it anymore as she never reciprocated.

yanbu but I suspect she is probably just a bit miffed authentic idea of shopping last minute!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 23-Dec-14 21:30:24

Your daughter is 12? Why isn't she sorting out her own presents for her dad? I don't see that it needs an adult, any adult, to do this for her. Ferrying her to the shops maybe but she is very much old enough to sort this out for herself.

WooWooOwl Tue 23-Dec-14 21:31:49

Personally, I see helping my children get gifts for their other parent as something I do for my children rather than for my ex, so I think you have more responsibility to do it than she does.

It's not essential that your dd gets her dad or her sister a present, but if it's something that you think matters, then again, the onus is on you to facilitate it.

randomAXEofkindness Tue 23-Dec-14 21:35:12

I don't think you should have asked her. In the nicest possible way, it's none of your business. She might have thought you were being a bit controlling.

If you like the idea of your dd buying her dad something, then you should organise that yourself. If you're not bothered (I probably wouldn't be tbh), then just leave it.

FFSletmechangemyname Tue 23-Dec-14 21:35:30

Yes I get DD should now be doing it and that's the plan from now on and I've said as much after girlfriend said she didn't want to do it.

We normally get on and I just thought is ask if she had got anything just on the off chance.

I cannot go out now as DD2 has a tummy bug so no time to get him one and I don't think DH should have to take her to get a present for her dad when he doesn't even contribute at all.

WorraLiberty Tue 23-Dec-14 21:35:37

Really though she's 12?

Why isn't she buying her own gifts?

WorraLiberty Tue 23-Dec-14 21:36:58

I don't think DH should have to take her to get a present for her dad when he doesn't even contribute at all.

Nor do I

Why does anyone have to take her anywhere? confused

BackforGood Tue 23-Dec-14 21:38:11

I agree. Shes 12. If she wantsr to get him something then she is old enough to do that herself. You really crossed aline asking his gf to get something for him, from your dd.

FFSletmechangemyname Tue 23-Dec-14 21:39:27

I never asked if she would get one just if she had one and she then asked if she should do it from now on and I said if she didn't mind she said she did and I said fine DD can do it.

It's just annoyed me that DD wasn't thought about that's all.
DH wouldn't get me something from DD2 and DS2 and not DD even though she's not his and expect ex to do it as ex isn't part of our family.

FFSletmechangemyname Tue 23-Dec-14 21:41:56

I've never given her that responsibility tbh so that's my fault but also she doesn't get regular pocket money and I kind of begrudge giving her money to spend on him does that make sense.

I need to start giving her regular pocket money so it's 'hers' and she can spend it how she likes.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 23-Dec-14 21:45:14

Well you shouldn't have asked, it wasn't reasonable and now that you've said you begrudge giving her the money then it's even less reasonable.

Your daughter is 12 and should be mature enough to start doing a bit at home to earn some pocket money for things like this. You need to separate your feelings from your ex entirely because this isn't anything to do with you, sorry.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Tue 23-Dec-14 21:47:12

Do you mean that you're ticked off because your ex doesn't buy presents from his/your daughter for you? It sounds that way but apologies if I'm wrong.

What do you mean when you say that "DD isn't thought about"?

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 23-Dec-14 21:47:41

I can't see why the girlfriend can't arrange gifts from ex's children collectively. If ex does boy contribute to DD at all, then I think there's no way either you or she should be spending money on gifts for him. I wouldn't have asked the girlfriend though, I would have just left it.

SavoyCabbage Tue 23-Dec-14 21:48:09

I wouldn't have asked the girlfriend either.

I would see doing this as something you are doing for your dd, not her father. Perhaps start a tradition now of getting a board game that they can play together for example that you can carry on for the next few years.

Viviennemary Tue 23-Dec-14 21:50:51

I appreciate it's a really difficult situation. But I don't think anyone can be blamed for not taking responsibility for getting him a present. It doesn't appear that you think he deserves one and I sympathise with that view. But when all is said and done he is her father and if she wants to get him a small gift then that's fine. But I don't think it's up to your ex's new partner to take that responsiblity.

YellowTulips Tue 23-Dec-14 21:51:24

So my DH or I make sure DSD has a present for her mum on birthdays, Xmas and Mother's Day.

We used to just get this, but now she is early teens we ask what she would like to get for Mum and give her a budget. I also make sure DSD (and DS) have a present for DH and vice versa.

Upshot is I think whether a couple are together or not it's the nice thing to do to get a present on behalf of the children (or facilitate doing so) for the "other" parent on key events.

So am in two minds here. I can see why you think it's GF's responsibility but I also think it's yours. However, there's tons of caveats here about the nature of the relationships and finances etc.

As long as you come to a mutual agreement I think you are good.

PurpleSwift Tue 23-Dec-14 21:58:49

Yabu. If a child is too young to buy the gifts themselves then it really doesn't matter if a parent doesn't receive a gift. If a child, like in this case, IS old enough to buy a gift then it's up to them. And if they don't, it still really does not matter.

theeternalstudent Tue 23-Dec-14 22:04:44

For me gift giving is as much about the giver as the receiver and a well thought out present doesn't have to cost a lot of money.
As a mother I see my job is to teach my DD about gift giving, not just the monetary value but in the planning, buying and wrapping. The fact that it is for your ex-dp is irrelevant. It is for your DD's father and you should be supporting her to do that. However, at the age of 12 she should be doing the majority of that by herself. If not, you need to be supporting her to do that. You need to separate your feelings for your ex-dp and instead remember that he is your DD's father and the gift is for him.

FFSletmechangemyname Tue 23-Dec-14 22:06:17

Ok so I never asked her to get one I asked if she had she said no she hadn't but would, I said thanks.
She then asked if she should do
So in future, I thought this meant she was willing but after saying she wasn't I suggest in fact DD could do it.

I'm not bothered that he doesn't get me a present wouldn't expect one but he does expect one and there's is a lot of other stuff going on which means I begrudge that esp as he pays nothing towards her.

But I accept I shouldn't have asked and will give DD pocket money so she can do it from now on.

When I mean she isn't thought of I mean his GF made it clear she had a present from her DD for him but not DD1, and as i said DH would never buy me something from DD2 and DS1 and not DD1 he would always think of her as part of 'our' family but they don't, because she isn't included in other things like parties and holidays etc.

Do I think IABU because this has pissed me off but actually I think it's more her being included/thought of as part of their family that upsets me as I don't think she is by there actions.

bedelia Tue 23-Dec-14 22:07:23

Having been on both sides of this equation myself, I don't think you're being "unreasonable" - navigating exes and new partners (particularly around gift-gving times) can be a minefield!

However, I would have done things differently, both as you and and as your ex's GF.

When my (now) Ex husband and I were together, I helped my step-children arrange gifts for their mum and dad (my exH), whether bought or made. Occasionally my step-children's mum also arranged presents for exH so he ended up with two - didn't really matter, we didn't make a fuss about it, so far as anyone was concerned the gifts were "from the children".

ExH and I divorced five years ago. He's remarried now and I still help DD arrange gifts for exH, his new wife, their two children AND my (former) step-children. DD is 10 and pays for some of it with her pocket money. I just let it go over my head - so far as I'm concerned, this is helping my DD and has nothing to do with my feelings about my ex (who has never paid maintenance, and from whom I parted on awful terms!).

It's easy for all parties to get upset about who has responsibilities for parent's gifts, particularly when maintenance or money is an issue. For your own and DD's sake, let it be about what she wants or feels she should do. If you can afford to help her buy a gift, then do it for her sake. If not, encourage her to make something (there's loads of wonderful tutorials for gifts people actually like to receive on Pinterest which cost next to nothing!).

If it's not reciprocated with a gift for you at your ex's end, let it slide - he's not your problem anymore. Instead drop major hints to DD about something she could make or do for you instead. Hopefully soon she'll feel grown up enough not to have to ask for adult help with parent presents in the future =)

FFSletmechangemyname Tue 23-Dec-14 22:08:05

Sorry that was I do think IABU smile

Tinks42 Tue 23-Dec-14 22:10:29

I dont get it either?

When my son was small I used to send him to his dads with a token gift. As he got older I didnt.... it was up to him.

I have never rang his partner or involved her in anything.

She however told my son off once for not doing this, I then of course told her in no uncertain terms to not meddle.

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