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Ex problems. What do I do over Christmas and 2015?

(14 Posts)
Rainbow Tue 23-Dec-14 16:43:02

In a nutshell DS1-3 have one father and DS4 has another. DS1-3 didn't see their father because of violence and drink issues. Recently things changed and a near death experience stopped the alcohol abuse and things are beginning change for the better. Because of this I have never been in this situation before and don't know what to do. DS4 is nearly 4yo and his father hasn't lived with us since DS4 was about 16mo. He left suddenly and spread lies about me and the other 3 boys, saying I denied him access which was all lies but I let it ride until he had finished his little tantrum. Then he started seeing DS4 on Tuesdays and Sundays and DS2-3 Tuesdays and every other Saturday (DS1 17yo and doing his own thing). Recently (September) I increased my hours at work (I had asked him to increase his maintenance by £5 a week so I didn't have to but he refused) and I had to cancel Tuesdays. Sundays went ahead as normal. A few weeks later, I get a call from Social Services saying that an "anonymous" caller had concerns about my children and had phoned the NSPCC. because the allegations were so violent and cruel, we have had months of in depth interviews, they have contacted the children's schools, doctor and hospitals, Scout groups, youth groups and any other activity that they do. Finally, after everything has come back OK, we are signed off. At this point I discover who the anonymous caller is. DS4's father. I did have suspicions as he asked if they had been (Social services) at nearly ever visit and how I got on but now I had it from the social worker's manager. He had asked to be anonymous but he had given his name. I have let it ride for the last three weeks as DS4 really likes going with his dad and I don't want to use him as a weapon. Now here's my problem. ExDH turns up as usual on Sunday and is friendly and polite as usual. Takes DS4 and straps him into the car. He turns to me and tells me "I am having him on boxing day" I replied that is fine he says "overnight" he never has had him over night as he sleeps on friends floors and sometimes at his dad he tells me. I said no we would need to talk about the times and places etc. as DS4 is not allowed round ExDH father's house. He said "I will have him, I just won't bring him back!" and he drove off. Worried he was not bringing him back that day, I telephoned the police. they can do nothing because it wasn't done through the courts. I cannot do anything as I have not been a victim of DV and cannot get legal aid. That is about as much legal advice I can get without paying for it and I cannot afford it. Do I let him go and risk him not bringing him back or do I upset DS4 and cancel contact altogether?

MagratsLongWhiteBeard Tue 23-Dec-14 16:52:02

Its a difficult one OP.

If you have concerns that he won't bring him back then I'd canc

Have you considered letting ex see him only through a child contact centre?

MagratsLongWhiteBeard Tue 23-Dec-14 16:52:45

* cancel

sorry

Rainbow Tue 23-Dec-14 17:08:46

Yes I've considered that as my next step but too short notice now. Cannot believe that my child is left hanging with no legal backup because we did things amicably to begin with. DS4 wants to see Dad but is so worried that I won't come back, he asks 10-15 times a day while I'm at work, that worries me too.

VoldysGoneMouldy Tue 23-Dec-14 17:17:20

He's declared willingly that he would not bring him back. He doesn't have suitable accommodation. I wouldn't let him go.

Nomama Tue 23-Dec-14 17:17:26

Do whatever gets you through the holidays and then go to court!

If he is basically NFA then he can't have kids overnight. Try writing him a letter, well worded and straightforward. I say a letter, not text, email or phone call so that he cannot later twist your words to suit his own ends. No threats, no emotional outbursts just that:

As mum, not married to dad, you are legally the default parent with sole parental responsibility. If he can't make and keep to reasonable agreements, then until he takes you to court he won't have any contact at all. That decision is your right to take and, if he continues to upset both you and/or DS, then you will have to take it.

Basically, he plays nice or you take the game away. Remind him that it is possible to have lots of contact if he stops making life unpleasant for you, if he puts his love for DH first then you can all get along very well.

Children Act form C1 is on the HM Courts and Tribunal Service website should he wish to make contact formal. You could use it too! There is lots of free advice out there that will allow you to take this through court yourself - may even be a forum here??

Keep a copy of any letter for SS, maybe send a copy to the last contact you had and ask them to place it on file, in case ex reports you again.

But, whatever you do, do NOT let this man call the shots forever. Foot down, firmly.

Good luck.

LaurieFairyCake Tue 23-Dec-14 17:25:34

Keep your son, don't let him go, don't be in. Then your ex can take you to court for a reasonable agreement.

YOU have not changed the terms of your agreement, he has by threatening not to bring him back.

Rainbow Tue 23-Dec-14 17:48:13

Seen so many people use children as weapons, I don't want to fall in that trap and was fearing I was .Thanks guys for setting me straight x
.

Rainbow Sun 28-Dec-14 09:57:58

Well I offered him a compromise. He could come and see DS4 but not take him. Told him I knew it was him who had reported us to Social Services, he totally denied it said it must has been his father or sister. He'd ask and phone me back. He didn't show up. No phone call. Nothing. On Saturday he messages me "where am I picking DS4 up from?" I did reiterate everything I had previously said. Lack of trust, the threat of not bringing him home etc. All he said was "I always bring him back!" I told him he's never threatened like that. He denied ever making the threat and skirted around all my questions which makes me feel that he has something to hide. I again told hIm he could come here and see DS4. He said he's not coming Sunday if he can't take DS4 to his family's house but he might after work on Monday or Tuesday (he works around the corner) I also have had some messages from his friends saying IBU not letting a great father see his son. I later found out he haa put on Facebook that I am denying him any access at all with a picture of a tree with loads of presents under it saying "...these will be waiting for you next time I see you son love Daddy"
I can't let him take DS4, he has no where to live, he's handed his notice in at work (leaves New Years eve) and he has family in NZ and Australia. His family in England (father and sister) live about an hours drive away but that is all I know.

wobblyweebles Sun 28-Dec-14 14:43:01

Go to court and set up an access arrangement. That way he has something he can be forced by the police to stick to.

angelohsodelight Sun 28-Dec-14 14:49:33

get screenshots of the messages. rest assured he is an arse, not you. if he as a great father he would not have contacted social services. document everything and go to court.

CalleighDoodle Sun 28-Dec-14 15:06:38

Oh deah god with all that information i wouldnt be letting the boy out of my sight !

clam Sun 28-Dec-14 15:22:07

Does your son have a passport? If so, where is it? And if he hasn't, to your knowledge, might it be worth checking with the Passport Office whether one has been issued in his name by your ex?

Ujjayi Sun 28-Dec-14 16:08:16

No way on earth would I let him take my son. Agree with others: cease informal contact & do everything through court now.

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