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Is ex BU with these expectations?

(18 Posts)
IfNotNow Tue 23-Dec-14 16:02:13

Brief background: STBXH and I separated over a year ago. He was EA and I continue to find him tricky to deal with post separation but I'm trying my best to be fair to everyone, particularly our two young DCs. He has become more difficult since I met my BF.

The problem: youngest DD has a Xmas eve birthday. We agreed early on that we would alternate Xmas but would allow the other to come over Xmas morning to watch the DC open their presents. We never came to an agreement over DD's Xmas eve birthday however.

This year it's his turn to have the DC Xmas day. He recently asked me if he could have the DC for a few hours on DD's birthday which I agreed to. However, he also asked if he could come in the morning to watch DD open her birthday presents. I agreed but warned him that my BF would be there but would likely be upstairs getting ready to go off to work (I don't live with my BF but he will be visiting overnight).

Immediately ex told me I was not to have him in the house whilst he is there. I countered by telling him that he does not get to dictate who I have in my home and he has two choices, either be an adult about it or he is not welcome in my home. He then told me that he would watch her open presents when he comes to collect them later that day (tea time).

I personally think it's unfair expecting a (just turned) 4 yo to wait this long to open her presents. With it being Xmas eve, I try and make the day as separate from Xmas as possible but I'm limited in what I can do. Part of this is doing the gift opening as far away from Xmas day as possible.

There are other things surrounding this that are colouring my view that he is being unreasonable about this so I would like to know what others think of his suggestion in isolation. TIA.

CountingThePennies Tue 23-Dec-14 16:05:52

He is being unreasonable.

Why cant your partner be there? Has there been any problems between them?

Shamazeballs Tue 23-Dec-14 16:06:16

It's your daughters birthday. Can you not just go a night without your boyfriend?

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 23-Dec-14 16:08:48

She can open his presents when he is there, other than that keep on with your plans.

IfNotNow Tue 23-Dec-14 16:09:22

The thing with my BF is a whole other thread. They have never met despite BF offering to meet him so he can see for himself that he's a good guy but ex refuses. BF hasn't done anything to ex but ex dislikes him anyway and has made veiled threats of violence if they were ever to meet. He's not even going to be in the room with us but this still isn't good enough for ex.

HamPortCourt Tue 23-Dec-14 16:09:25


I would tell him he isn't welcome at all Christmas Eve and that handovers will be done at the door from now on. He can give DD his present and watch her open it can't he? He is being really controlling insisting on watching her open presents from you - what's it got to do with him?

I think you need to establish better boundaries OP.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 23-Dec-14 16:10:38

I don't see why you should go a night without your BF. Why should you change your plans because your Ex is being a childish knob?
Do what you would normally do.
If he doesn't like it then it's tough.
You have no problem with him being there. It's his issue.
Let him deal with it all on his own.

ILovePud Tue 23-Dec-14 16:12:02

I think he is being very unreasonable. I don't think it's an issue of you going a night without your BF I think it's an issue of him trying exert control over you, I wouldn't give in to him, it's only his own stubbornness that's stopping him coming over whilst your BF is there.

IfNotNow Tue 23-Dec-14 16:13:40

shamaze, I guess so (BF has offered to stay away) but IMO I don't see why I should change my plans to pander to ex's wishes. BF is also helping me prepare for her birthday and Xmas (which is more than ex is doing).

Funky, we had an agreement that he would pay for her party and I would pay for her gifts so he hasn't got her anything (except something that I accidentally had delivered to his address and he is withholding). We have a similar 'joint' situation over Xmas (again another thread entirely) but I think it will be the last year we do anything on joint terms because he makes it nigh on impossible.

IDontDoIroning Tue 23-Dec-14 16:14:11

He is being unreasonable. It's not nice to make a 4 yo wait just because an adult can't come to terms with his ex having moved on.

I don't think it's fair to dd to maker wait all day to open her presents from myself and my family, so she will be having those presents in the morning. As you know it's difficult for her having a birthday on Xmas eve and we have agreed in the past to try to make the days different and special fir her. I've already invited you to come in the morning but you have declined and wish stay a little longer when you pick up the children later in the day. She can open her presents from you and your family then if that's what you chose.

IDontDoIroning Tue 23-Dec-14 16:17:10

Oh just read the update. He can give her the withheld item but yiu go ahead and give her everything else in the morning.
Also I agree this is the last year you should do any joint presents if he can't put his feelings aside for a 4 year old

mynewpassion Tue 23-Dec-14 16:17:34

When is the party?

MsMarvel Tue 23-Dec-14 16:18:44

Dp goes to see dsd on Xmas morning. 2 years ago was the first time that either of them had partners, and dp was slightly uncomfortable with the fact that his ex's boyfriend was going to be there. Things with dp and ex are civil to a point but a bit volatile. The compromise was that I went with him so all four of us were there, and it was actually lovely. Ex's boyfriend made us all breakfast and it was really nice.

Does your ex have a partner at all? Suggest to him that he could bring someone with him, family member or something for a bit of moral support?

IfNotNow Tue 23-Dec-14 16:18:52

Control. That's exactly it. Everything he does and says is to exert an element of control. I agree I have poor boundaries when it comes to him (far too many years of conditioning) but I have gotten better recently. I now refuse to speak to him on the phone (he's aggressive) and will only deal with him by text. It's caused a huge backlash. Because of all this, I find it difficult to distinguish between his reasonable and unreasonable requests.

IfNotNow Tue 23-Dec-14 16:21:52

The party is between Xmas and new year.

Afaik, ex hasn't yet moved on but if he did I would be happy to have any DP of his at my house. My BF won't even be in the room but yet he refuses to compromise.

IfNotNow Tue 23-Dec-14 16:40:08

I've just realised that DD's party falls on his scheduled contact weekend so he will watch her open the gifts from her friends after. WIBU to suggest that he can watch her do that and I'll do the birthday gifts that I bought?

IfNotNow Tue 23-Dec-14 17:37:50

He's now told me he won't be dropping the DC back home until my BF has left for work but still won't be staying to watch her open presents. WTAF???

whois Tue 23-Dec-14 17:50:57

Ugh I think it would be better if you ceased doing anything joint. It's muddying the waters and giving him opportunities to control you.

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