getting over resentment(6 Posts)
hey all ive posted here (well, mumsnet) a couple of times and gotten good advice/and alot off my chest. im posting for traffic and its sort of an aibu ive also posted in relationships
Anyhow. I went through self harm as a young teen/child. starting at around 11/12 until I was about 15. I left home at 16 and ended up in an abusive relationship (A WHOLE different story, left the relationship over 10yrs ago) in the years I was a teen at home it was awful for me. Every time i wanted to talk to my mum she'd say to me "For gods sake oreos you're dragging my mood down f---ng stop"
one thing i remember clearly is being without clothes that fit. I was about 14 and had no bras that would fit as I'd put on weight as normal growing children do and gone up a bra size. My jeans didnt fit and my leggings had holes in. I had maybe 2 pairs of trousers and a stretchy sports bra thingy (Im sure you know the ones). I asked mum and she said "Ok i'll get some clothes for you when monthly comes in" 9 months later she bought me 4 items of clothing, 2 bras, a pair of leggings that fit but broke a week later and a pair of jeans that didnt fit. I was 15 at the time. I never had anymore clothes off her.
Whenever i needed hair bobbles I was promised them (Only 50p in the local shop by the way!) but my mum never bothered to get them.
I rarely to never went to school, truancy was not taken seriously back then. they took my mum to court once a year, she never bothered to turn up then just paid the 10-30 quid fine they posted through the door.
I Wasnt allowed to take my gcses (by the school not my mum although i dont fully understand why)
My mum never supported me emotionally and spoke to me like shit.
My dad wasnt around, he was an abusive alcoholic who went to prison when i was 9, everytime i kicked off at my mum (As her lack of care made me angry) She would say "you are JUST LIKE youre f---ng father" everytime i tried to talk to her i was ignored. everytime i needed support i was ignored. when i needed money (Not "Can I have 100 pounds to go and get drunk" but " can i have 40 quid to get some tesco leggings and shirts and a new bra") I was told she'd do it on monthly, yet when monthly came my older sister got money for whatever she wanted and i didnt. my mums brother would be sent money whenever he asked but i got nothing. It seemed my mother always gave to those who didnt need it or would be relatively ok without it but always threw me under a metaphorical bus everytime i needed something. She also hit me on occasion. Only about 10 times in my entire childhood but these 10 times stayed with me. this was about 15/16 years ago and there was still a mentality of "Sometimes children need a clip around the ear" (although i got worse than a clip).
I have occasional contact with my mother, about once a month either via visits or over the phone. im supposed to be spending christmas with her this year but im dreading it,. she called me an hour ago and I just kicked off at her about everything shes done (Or Not done) to me.
Oh and everytime we argued she'd say "go play with razors" or call me an attention seeker or worse.
AIBU to go no contact? And to ask you how you'd go about fixing it?
Not U to go NC and some councelling would be a good idea! Sounds shit.
Sweetheart, there is no fixing this. She was abusive, and it's likely that the lack of basic care and support was the cause of your self harm.
If you don't want to see her you don't have to.
Have you had any help or counselling to talk through your childhood? It sounds like now is exactly the right time to do it - you're recognising the things that weren't right and you're ready to stand up for yourself.
You can't change your mother, she is who she is. But you can repair the hurt she caused and make your life happier.
AIBU to go no contact?
No. Ask yourself: "what does this person add to my life? Do they make it better or worse, in general?" The answer with your mother is no, and it's always been no. You don't need to justify it, just step away. Break the "relationship" off quietly and steadfastly. She offers nothing you want.
If you're wavering, you might want to visit the Relationships area of this board for support. Familiarise yourself with what help and support is available here BEFORE you really need it.
And to ask you how you'd go about fixing it?
Start by going No Contact. Then build up the good things in your life without her being in it.
Bloody hell - I'm so sorry your mum treated you like that. I would go NC and tell her exactly why. Write it all in a letter if you have to, so she can't argue with it. But you will be better off without someone in your life that treats you that badly.
It sounds like you've been carrying this with you for a while. Write a letter - get it all down on paper, send it and it will feel like a weight off your back.
I really wish I could do more to help you - I feel awful at how badly you've been treated.
Yes I still carry it with me. its hard not to. i resent her in part for me getting into an abusive relationship. I know it sounds a bit silly but if she had shown me what love and respect was and not given me cause to jump into the first sign of attention i get I doubt i would have been in that relationship in the first place. the fact i didnt get my gcses down to truancy (She didnt drive and would frequently "Forget" to give me bus money and the school was an hour+ walk away, about 7-9 miles, Due to asmtha i couldnt walk long distance) Means I could not go to college. that meant I was stuck working as a hairdressers assistant for 11yrs until I could go (As I had no experience or qualifications so couldnt get on a course to do an NVQ level 2-3 in hairdressing) and now i'm stuck doing a dead end job that I hate with no way of getting out, I had dreams as a child but after being abused by my mother then a partner and being left 13 weeks pregnant (Shes 14 in jan) with nothing to my name It was very hard to even contemplate becoming a vet (what I really wanted to do, and still do want to do). So i guess I do resent her for alot of this, although none of it caused directly by her iyswim more like indirectly influencing.
sorry for venting more and more, lol. It wouldnt impact dd (My only child) as mum has not seen her in over a year as dd does not like her (she speaks to dd like shit), DD doesnt live with me either (Long story, shes in boarding school as she got in through a scholarship in sept 2013) So shes with me 20wks a year until she is 16. A better future than I can give her on my own
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