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AIBU to be upset with Bil and Sil over Christmas Day visiting.

(86 Posts)
lk26 Tue 23-Dec-14 13:25:26

On Xmas Eve we are travelling with our young daughter to spend christmas with the in laws who all live 150 miles away. We will be staying at Pil and my Bil and Sil live in next village 2 miles away.
After a phone call today it now transpires we shan't be seeing our Bil and Sil and niece and nephew at all during our visit. Xmas day is apparently reserved solely for Sil family and we are not to visit. !
Am quite upset as our daughter won't see her cousins at Xmas despite being just 2 miles away. We won't see our niece and nephew at Xmas either.
For 2 yrs out of the last 5 I have done a huge family Xmas for all my in laws. Hosted for 3 days. Given up my bed. Catered for extensive food allergies and run myself ragged to make them all have a special Xmas and now they can't find time to see us Xmas day ! Grrrrr

tobysmum77 Tue 23-Dec-14 13:31:51

So SIL is having her family over? She obviously feels that the house will be full enough. Tbf if this was me I would be OK with you popping round but everyone's different. I think if you want to go round it's a bit unreasonable of her to say no.

However, I doubt your dc will be that traumatised by not seeing their cousins and I wouldn't be bothered by it so I think yabu.

So you are both being unreasonable I think grin

simbacatlivesagain Tue 23-Dec-14 13:35:02

Are you sure it is your BIL and SIL and not her family. Maybe they are under pressure- they havent spent the last 3 years with the other side of the family- maybe those people now feel it is their turn etc

I dont get it and think it is petty but trying to give another side. The more the merrier here.

pictish Tue 23-Dec-14 13:36:56

Hmm...I see where you're coming from, but I still think yabu. You're putting it across as if she's being a bit dismissive or insulting, but I read it as her telling you Christmas Day isn't convenient for them as they have made other plans that don't factor you in. Maybe she feels she owes her family her full attention, having spent Christmas so often with you?
Anyway - that's hpw she has planned her Christmas and you just have to accept that.

As an asides, that you host for three days and slave over a hot stove doesn't actually buy you rights to be included in her Christmas plans forever more.
You choose to do that, I'm sure no one forces you to. x

Mammanat222 Tue 23-Dec-14 13:38:15

How long are you staying with PIL? Will you see SIL and BIL on Boxing day? Or Xmas Eve? IE is it just Xmas day they "can't see you"? Or the whole time you are there?

Nomama Tue 23-Dec-14 13:38:31

But you will see them on Boxing Day, won't you?

Get your DH to have a quiet word about making time/room for everyone as usual.

BIL and SIL make a huge fuss about this being time for family, but they don't mean us, they mean her family, or DHs aunt in Australia - which is where they are now! My family used to do alternate years. When I left home I did that too. Now we stay at home, it is too bothersome complicated to do anything else.

But if your DH won't then you can only decide that alternating is the way to go. You decide, make it your choice, that way you won't feel quite so upset at being 'ostracised'.

Ragwort Tue 23-Dec-14 13:39:08

I can understand how you feel, it's a bit of snub that you can't even pop round for a cup of tea and a mince pie hmm.

Bowlersarm Tue 23-Dec-14 13:39:18

Can you go over on boxing day?

pictish Tue 23-Dec-14 13:40:44

And yes...what about Boxing Day?

sliceofsoup Tue 23-Dec-14 13:42:30

We have to have set days for each side each year to make sure we fit everyone in. The day wouldnt be enjoyable any other way.

So YABU. I'm not sure why SILs enjoyment of xmas day should come below yours and your DCs. It doesnt suit and it wouldnt suit if you had to drive 30 miles or 300. Dont take it personally.

CatsClaus Tue 23-Dec-14 13:44:49

just make a mental note hold a big grudge and tell them to f.r.o next christmas when they want to come to yours!

I'd be peeved but could totally see my sil being like this.

Mammanat222 Tue 23-Dec-14 13:46:47

Sometimes it is just too damn hard to fit everyone in / please everyone in one day so if you are going to see them at some point then yes YABU.

lk26 Tue 23-Dec-14 13:46:57

We are leaving Boxing Day morning and they can't see us then apparently. Her family consist of 2 elderly parents who arrive at 11 and leave at 4 pm !!
My daughter adores her cousins and it's do sad she can't see them. We even took my niece and nephew on a big family holiday recently without their parents as she was ill. !
Now I just feel sod it. Next year when it's my turn to host I am going to spend it with my poor neglected family and leave the rest of them to it fangry

pictish Tue 23-Dec-14 13:46:58

I assume your dh's brother will have made plans to see his parents (your pil) over Christmas...like on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day?

That his wife should wish to spend it with her family rather than his, is ok and fair. That's how a lot of us operate...with both sides of family getting a turn.

I don't quite think you get to gatecrash her family's turn because you've had yours.

Dipankrispaneven Tue 23-Dec-14 13:49:37

Can you change your plans so you leave a bit later on Boxing Day? Or see if they can come over to PILs for a short time?

paddyclampo Tue 23-Dec-14 13:52:13

If they're leaving at 4, can't you go over then?

Mammanat222 Tue 23-Dec-14 13:57:12

It's a bit shabby for them not to have you over if her folks leave at 4pm [and if you don't have plans to see them day before / after]

BUT you can't force the issue, as you say next year just see your lot.

magpieginglebells Tue 23-Dec-14 14:00:30

Can you drop in and see them Boxing Day morning or Christmas Eve evening?

whois Tue 23-Dec-14 14:02:43

She sounds like she's being a bit of a bitch. How hard would it be to have you over for a cup of tea?!! Especially since the cousins are close and you took them away with you.

All these threads make me thankful for my nice and normal family who like to see each other!

thefirstmrsrochester Tue 23-Dec-14 14:11:39

Assuming that there is no animosity between you and SIL/BIL, I do think it's pretty unwelcoming to refuse to allow you to come round even for a short while on Christmas Day. Especially as there are cousins involved and you have travelled quite a bit. SIL does sound like a bit of a diva. So no, I don't think you are BU to be upset.
This is also something I can see one of my SILs trying to do.

IDontDoIroning Tue 23-Dec-14 14:19:07

If you have hosted them plus others in prior years, taken her dd on holidays etc that presumes a quite close family.
I think she is being a bit mean not to allow you to visit at all given what you've done for her in the past especially if her parents are going home at 4pm.

simbacatlivesagain Tue 23-Dec-14 14:19:31

Cant your PIL invite them over in the evening?

lk26 Tue 23-Dec-14 14:31:17

Mil likes to play the we are a perfect family card ! Ha I don't think so love
It's just plain rude to have family up the road who have travelled 150 miles on Xmas Eve night and not even fit them in for a cup of tea fangry

fluffyraggies Tue 23-Dec-14 14:33:59

How about:

''For 2 out of the last 5 years we have gone to SILs for a big 3 day xmas family get together with DHs side of the family. This year i just want to host a quiet 2 day xmas with my elderly parents, DH and DCs, even though PIL (with SIL visiting) happen to live only 2 miles away. SIL will expect to visit as she feels her previous hosting should be reciprocated, and will be upset. AIBU?''

BarbarianMum Tue 23-Dec-14 14:38:51

Well now you know where you stand and can act accordingly. They (not just she btw) are making it clear they would like a more arms length relationship. Give them one.

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